Friday, February 29, 2008

I can See! part II

Put your left leg down
and your right up, tilt head back
and finish the cup

LASIK, Oh Gawd!

So anyway, I am sitting in the waiting room. listening to the nervous banter while giving no indication I am absorbing anything but abject hatred for all things, or I looked like a fat nerd squinting, either way.

So the pop cap gun sound stops, and this guy who is the same complexion as me but trim and kinda geeky looking, saunters out, doing this- I swear, I'm not making this up - Undercover Brother walk into the lobby where we all sit, terrified. He looks at me, walks up and shakes my hand, never saying anything, and walks back into the operating room and shuts the door. O-o-okay..... that was weird. I try to politely ignore the 2 chicks speaking in hurried Spanish next to me, secretly hating them for having a stupid code language, and then it is their turn to go in. It is a little disconcerting that each operation is only taking about 5 minutes, I mean seriously...

5 minutes later it is my turn. I ignore the asswipes telling me "good luck!", "break a leg!" "Hey Stevester I want to make love to you tonight!" I mean really I don't even know you dude! And why are they telling me good luck? ALl I am going to do is lay there while some dude pokes my eyeball with his finger, shouldn't HE have good luck?

I get in the OR, and another Barbie doll tells me to lay on this leather dentist's chair. It is actually quite comfortable, prewar- WHAT THE FUCK?! As I sit down she sneaks up on me and literally SQUIRTS this crap in my eyes that feels like vinegar mixed with acid. I try not to scream out or fart as she informs me that it will sting for a minute and then go away, and the reason she snuck up on me was so I wouldn't get the chance to close my eyes. Thanks, hoe!

The doctor comes in and puts some more drops in my eyes, and I hear him turn some hot 103 JAMZ on, and crappy generic R&B fills the room. He informs me he is going to tape my eyeballs open, and this is a weird feeling, it didn't hurt, but it felt weird because I could still feel it.

He starts droning on about some suit he needed to pick up and how babies are all ugly when they are born (I agree) as he gets out a curved scalpel and cuts the membrane above my cornea. He was looking at my eye as he did this, I hope, because he mumbles "perfect, yet again... God I'm good" which went a long way toward easing my mind. This whole time I am supposed to focus on this orange light, which at this point goes from kind of foggy to completely out of focus as he lifted the membrane over my eye with the scalpel. I felt the cut, and it felt.... squishy. Not sure how else to describe it.

He then puts this metal cylinder on my eyeball and tells me the "laser" (when you read this please do the Doctor Evil quotemarks every time you read the word "laser". It will make it feel like I am actually there!) is going to start, so try to look at the orange light. I focus on the huge gelatinous orance aura blinking, and barely see a purple light off to the right blink about 10 times. He then flips the membrane back up, and gets what I assume was rubber cement and brushes it over my eyeball, which felt weird as hell...not bad, just weird.

After that he does the other eye, about 3 minutes total, and informs me that my eyesight will be blurry for awhile but it will get better. Is it sad that even blurry it was better than it was when I was wearing glasses a few seconds before?

I go into a dark room, where they seat me into a comfortable chair and have me sit with my eyes shut for 15 minutes. The Annoyed Nurse, who I now have a crush on due to her bad attitude and homely appearance, walks in and starts rambling as she is giving me more eyedrops that she loves drinking soda and she has a cold and one time she sneezed and almost got snot in someone's eye... you know, calming me down real good.

And that was it, I mean I had to keep my eyes shut for 3 hours after that, and for a week after (tonight is my last night) I have to wear these venitlated goggles to bed to keep me from rubbing my eye (I am still trying to get lucky whilst wearing the goggles, if I do I will take a photo of the deed and post (j/k honey, I am not that insensitive) but seriously, I will guys!) and I cannot get water in them or go swimming for 2 weeks (but my Chippendale's audition requires me to get in a poooooool!) but it was pretty pain and hassle free.

Back to the funniness Monday.

PS - I went to JJ's, and he was annoyed with Smeagol again. The reason? Smeagol asked if he could come pick JJ's daughter up (you may not know this, but raptors are actually pretty decent nurturing parents or parental guardians, at least that's what JJ claims. Haggard, let him watch your kid first and then I will think about letting him watch mine) and take her to his hovel, and JJ got her ready, she was all excite to go, and Smeagol was only using that as an excuse to come over and bum money off of my mom. What a piece of crap! He came over, stepped over JJ's daughter, begged for money, and when he didn't get it, raptor-stomped (check the definitions for what this is) his way out of the house, not even giving her a second look. What a jerk!

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