Monday, March 3, 2008

Smeagol facts

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bands made of awesome

So I thought I would post some fun facts about Smeagol, since it has been awhile since I had posted anything on him. I know it is wrong to make fun of others, even raptors have feelings, and yet I cannot seem to stop.

1. Smeagol must wear at least 2 pairs of mismatched socks to go outside or across wooden floors. This is due to his complete lack of care of said feet. He must also have them rubbed, no matter how sweaty and smelly, by Mystery every evening.

2. Smeagol once spent a full quarter of his paycheck on a date with a good looking girl who ended up giving herself to JJ for free. This all happened while Smeagol was sitting outside JJ's bedroom, presumably masturbating while crying softly, tears and failure streaking down his sad sad raptor face.

3. A Smeagol shit will 7 times out of 10 completely clog any toilet. Also due to his lack of usable fingers, Smeagol never flushes, prefering nature to evaporate his dropings.

4. Smeagol's wardrobe was cool once. But then 1986 came along, and he never looked back.

5. I know I have told you, but this is for those new to the site: Smeagol has been knocked the fuck out, multiple times, by men over the age of 80 in various nursing homes.

6. Smeagol works as much "booty ass overtime" as he possibly can, for what no one knows. On a side note, how is it that Smeagol and Mystery work, yet they never have any money, drive a POS that is always one second from being remotely shut off or breaking down, never has all of his utilities on unless they are on when he moves in, and is generally a complete failure? You might counter with "Maybe he spends all his check when he goes out" to which I would like to point out that you are wrong. Smeagol works, and hibernates. In between he plays the same 3 video games, Castlevania, Devil May Cry and Gran Turismo.

7. Smeagol calls JJ all the time for tips on the most mundane of video game tasks. A common call goes like this: "Hey JJ how are thingswell enough with the small talk on Devil May Cry it says 'collect 4 orbs to beat game' and there are 4 orbs next to me. Can you come over and get me to where I only have to hit one button to beat the game? Just wake me up when that time comes."

8. WHen Smeagol wants to borrow money and is forced to call you he starts the entire conversation with "You can't say No!" This is usually followed by us saying no and him grunting angrilly and hanging up.

9. Never, NEVER ask Smeagol for money.

10. Smeagol's thong holds within it the cure for AIDS. WHy, you may ask, has no one harvested this cure? Because it involves sucking the Raptor juice out of it, and no one has been able to do that yet.

11. Smeagol's perm-a-fail must be replaced every 2 weeks, as he still has not figured out that you have to wash your hair after you get it permed.

12. Smeagol wears nail polish. No word yet on whether he paints his balls with the same fingernail paint. 5 dollars to the person who figures that riddle out.

13. Though Smeagol lives like a homeless person, he hates homeless people with a passion rivaled only by his love of hotwheels and Failure's love for him.

14. Smeagol grunts angrilly when you make fun of him. I have never heard him grunt so often or so many times in a row as when my friend Anthony used to make fun of him. He sounded like he was dropping a deuce.

15. If Smeagol ever asks you to help him move, save yourself some trouble - don't.

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