Wednesday, February 6, 2008


snowdrift, damn snowdrift
Only Escort can best you
it still needs headlights

Wednesday Shorts -

1. This one time (at band camp) I was thisclose to beating Tecmo Superbowl. I was playing as the beloved Chiefs. The score was tied, and I was driving. JJ moseyed in and shut the game off without hitting reset on the Nintendo first, causing it to erase my whole season. I picked him up and bodyslammed him across the metal bunkbed we shared. I thought that was as cruel as humans who share the same biological parents could be, until my kids were born. I have never seen a fistfight break out because one kid's pretend character has more Jedi powers than the other's, but they have shown that hatred bests imagination any day.... (sniff) I'm so proud!

2. Smeagol Loves Hot Wheels. He spends upwards of 50 dollars every payday purchasing them, and then losing them. When asked why he buys them instead of food, he regales everyone of the tale of that 69 volkswagon minibus Hot Wheel that sold for like 50000 dollars or something, and how if they are in mint condition he will soon command those prices. When you attempt to hit him with the knowledge that not only are Hot Wheel cars worthless now, but that he will not live long enough to get any kind of return on them since he does not purchase food and that raptors are not known for their longevity, he grunts angrily and flashes his tooth at you menacingly.

3. I have probably told you all once before, but when he was engaging in the cracketry, my dad had no problem telling people that he would gladly suck a hardened penis so my brother and I could eat. Am I a bad father for saying I would resort to robbing people before I did that?

4. So my dad was walking through the little ghetto Price Choppers, called Cosentino's Apple Market on Independence Avenue, and I was moseying along, chattering about how much more successful I was than him, and he looked at me with this little impish grin, and blew ass. It was the wettest sounding, most gurgly fart ever laid, and I bet he juiced his drawers up laying that little queef too. It looked like it hurt him. I hurried ahead of him so as not to get the odiferous cloud of flatulence all over my person, and was wondering why he was standing there, apparently sampling his own fare much as a wine connoiseur grades a fine wine. He moseyed on, and just as we were going to turn the corner to go into another aisle, some little old lady walked into the stench. It was admittedly hilarious, as she gagged and got a passing stock boy to move stuff around, looking for a dead animal. My dad laughed to himself and watched as they frantically tried to alleviate the stench.

5. So Baker (the kinda slow guy who was a janitor here who calls every person in the clerks office, whether he knows them or not, 3-10 times a day, no exaggerating) has forced me to start playing music for him. Tylester has been doing this for awhile, and had gotten some pretty respectable times from him. What happens is we all know his number, and when he calls we pick up and put the phone by a speaker, and play music until he hangs up, and record how long he listened. I am playing "Get Outta My Dreams, Get into My Car" by Billy Ocean, as well as his other hit "WHen the going gets tough, the tough get going". My best time is still a modest 1:15 or so. Tylester plays "Brass Monkey" for him, and this morning got a 1:46... and still holds the record with almost 8 minutes. I need to know, what song will allow me to topple Tylester's time?
Please vote on it, it would make me so happy!

6. Here is reason 47382q9047832438 why black people should not live in cold climate: The wind was blowing snow UP my fucking nostrils, which if you know me is big enough I can fit my thumb in each nostril. Pretty cool, actually. Anyway, that shits is wrong!

7. Your parents might smoke crack if tax season means you might get your vcr back.

8. Your parents might smoke crack if you screen calls from them when you just got paid.

9. Your parents might smoke crack if they call you and ask for your address and the first reason you can think of for why they would ask is so they can get their crack dealer to meet them at your place (this has happened once).

10. Your parents might smoke crack if your fucking dad got fired from a goddamn dildo making factory for stealing product, I mean dammit what the hell is up widdat?!

11. Your parents might smoke crack if your dad gets fired because he refuses to go to rehab, claiming he has morals.

12. Your parents might smoke crack when your dad looks to a raptor with a bad perm and a green thong for guidance on how to get pussy.

13. Your parents might smoke crack when your dad is afraid to say "money" for fear one of his dealers will hear him and take it; instead he calls it "that", as in "Hey son, you got any that I can borrow?" or "Yerdaddy's a foolish foolish man, anyway you get any that today?" or "I will pay you back as soon as I get some that"... JJ was always more annoyed by this than me...

More tomorrow...

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