Tuesday, February 26, 2008

I can see! Part I

Weird Al Yankovic
Sweaty lederhosen scent
grungy pubic hairs

Sorry for the late post, ladies and gentlemen, but I wanted to make sure I got adequate time to heal - not from the Lasik, but from this weird dull ache my asshole has had since the doctor brought me out of my anesthesia. I have had some pretty loose bowels, and I started watching Dharma and Greg and identifying with some of the underlying issues, but he assured me they are all very normal side effects of Lasik surgery.

Anyway, I figured I would tell you all about this entire process, in case you were thinking of doing it or researching and coming up with 2 wildly different stories on what can happen and are confused, or if your doctor touched you in an inappropriate way and told you it is because you dress like a slut, all of which I may be able to assuage your fears and fuel your fantasies. Let's begin.

So my wife decided I need Lasik surgery, and told me to do it. Although I was a little wary since I had heard all of the horror stories about people losing their eyes, going blind, and developing erectile dysfuntion and leaky bowels, it is still easier than arguing with a woman so fuck it.

I pick the first place in the phone book, which was stupid because after I got the surgery done I found out there is a place 6 miles from my house instead of in Southern Overland Park, which is like 35 miles away, and go down there. The lady behind the counter seemed annoyed to be dealing with customers, which funnily enough put me at ease. SHe told me she was going to have me watch a short video on Lasik and then the doctor would see me.

Let me tell you, friends: This video is shit. I was expecting something that talked about what could happen, or something that would explain what Lasik is, but it is just an infomercial that looped twice and then cut out. Nothing on the actual procedure, nothing on how much it would cost, nothing. What was funnier than that, dear reader, was that there were people watching this same video intently, and a few were taking notes, on what I have no idea since the only thing on this video were things like "It was embarrassing wearing glasses, and then I got Lasik. I had heard that Lasik had a 100% success rate, and cured scurvy, but I was still unsure because I was a child molester. When I finally got Lasik, my penis grew to a healthy 19 inches long and I got a patent the next day for an invention that I would never have been able to get with those glasses.... thanks Lasik!" I mean, these were some pretty cheese testimonials.

Anyway, I go back with the nurse, who looks like she walked off the set of Scrubs, and let me put this bluntly here: I don't trust attractive nurses. I don't trust skinny nurses either. I want a fat, nasty, sleep deprived cranky asshole who is so damn good at her or his job that that is the only reason they are still employed. Anyway this little Barbie doll takes me over to run some tests on my eyes, which were pretty mucl like you would get done at the doctor's office. The only thing that was a tiny bit odd was how many times they verified that I have not worn contacts. I mean they were really big on that, and kept asking and asking. I wore contacts for about a week when I was 12, and that doesnt fucking count, so I kept telling them no. If I end up with cancer because of it, fuck it.

We get done, and another barbie doll bimbo takes me into a much smaller room and starts asking questions about my health and how I heard about them. The only off the wall question she asked was "does your family support you getting Lasik?" WHo the fuck gives a shit if they do or dont? What if I say no, was she going to say "Well then you can't get it until you get their blessing"? That is one of THE QUESTIONS that puts me off. Tangent time!

THE QUESTIONS are those questions that some asshat in a marketing job somewhere decided would be good to ask to prod someone toward a sale, and any of them automatically make me wary. Here are some examples:

1. Do you feel that this product would help you with (insert random affliction)?
2. Does your family support you getting (product or job)
3. Does this sound like a winning opportunity?
4. Do you want to get married? (I am kidding on that one, kidding honey!)

Anyway, you get the picture. No one has to believe these questions do anything but tip the person on the receiving end that they are going to get screwed, and when she asked I got annoyed and started trying to wade through the bullshit to see what it would cost. Luckily she got to the damn point after that. Since my eyes sucked anus, it was going to be about 2800 dollars. Whatever, I make an appointement and go home.

So the day has finally come, and I am not nervous or anything, if I go blind I will just carry a blade in a cane like Rutger Haeur in Blind Fury and roam the countryside doling out mad street justice to quench my mad thirst for revenge, revenge for the one I love... or something. I hadn't thought that all through.

So I have to go through some more tests, they put rubber stoppers in my tear ducts, I asked if he could make them permanent because men shouldn't even have tears unless his dog dies or the Chiefs lose once they become competitive, and they give me a shower cap and some booties to wait.

What is funny is I am sitting in this waiting room, looking right at the door with the laser in it, and I can hear this thing running, it sounds like a cap gun going off over and over, just this popping sound.

Tomorrow - I will finish one of these last 3 or 4 stories I started, don't worry.

No comments: