Friday, August 26, 2011

The Ninja

Thong entanglement
claims the lives of thousands daily
get yourself checked out

So.... wow... it's been a while. Whats happened? Smeagol is in and out of the hospital and the nursing home, my sister said he is doing better but I haven't been to see him, and by "doing better" she means he tries to feel the ladies up while calling them names, and if that's the case I can only assume he will be released soon, which should kick assholes.

I also got my 4th degree blackbelt, which is cool, I guess, kinda made me wonder though: What more do I need to learn in order to defend myself? I always tell people "If all you want to do is defend yourself in your typical bathroom brawl (where all the fights I have ever been in have occured, the line to be first at the glory hole brings out the ugliest in all of us) you really only need to get to yellow or green belt. Anything past that is A) overkill, B) indication that you wish to become Chuck Norris, or C) a sign that you have an unhealthy addiction. To punching people. In the taint.

I'm still being asked to dress up in all manner of more and more inappropriate outfits, if you have seen my Elvis costume (or the honeybee, or the tutu, or the sugar plum fairy, or the Richard Simmons, or that time I showed up nude after eating 3 viagras) then you know the I no longer have any dignity, self respect, or spine. I wonder if anyone is still surprised since I dress up for all occasions, be they retirements, bar mitzvahs, interventions, or episodes of hoarding (by the way, does that show put your cluttered house into perspective or what???)

My mom's still crazy as all shitfuck, which is OK because we all love her, but her fascination/ stalking of all things Evan's Blue is getting a little out of hand. I mean REALLY out of hand...

My mom loves Evan's Blue. She loves them in the ass. This has led to a lot of consternation in her house, as because SHE loves them, then everyone else must. That includes, but is not limited to:

Concerts: My dad has come home from work to see her sitting on the front steps with a packed bag, and learned she bought tickets to a concert in Rockford that starts in 5 hours. This has happened more than once.

CDs: This has been my greatest annoyance. Mystical asked me to burn some Evans CDs. I did so, and gave them to her. She then called me 3 FUCKIN DAYS later to inform me she had listened to the CDs so much they melted, and could I burn a couple copies of the CDs now? I made 5 a piece. What the hell. What....the.....FUUUUUUCK. I love my mom, but seriously, how fucking annoying is it to be at home, excited because you're alone so you decide to jack one while watching Teen Wolf (don't judge), and then you get a phone call because Mercury is in Retrograde and Andromidus-Persei VIII is orbiting .666 million parsecs from Ganymede and so all of the cds she was listening to spontaneously combusted and turned into little butterflies, VAMPIRE butterflies with an unquenchable bloodlust and a natural exoskeleton that did 1D4 hit dice of mana damage whenever they cast Shocking Ray due to their Charisma modifiers, and could I burn 48390284 more so she could have them last 2 days?

Goofy Videos: I thought these were great, but JJ and Toboggan had these looks.... I know I am going to take flak for this, because I have never said anything inappropriate before, but they looked like 2 poor, starving, beaten down Jewish people in a concentration camp, just without the hope. I was asked to come down and film a short video of her that she is on a "very strict deadline" to make for them. I get there, and it's hilarious, she knows all the words, there's takes, she has to take a moment to get into character, the works. JJ is standing there with this most godawful look on his face, which only makes it funnier. In the video she wants at random times for a little doll to be thrust into the foreground of the camera, and this job was given to JJ. The fact that he was genuinely and demonstrably annoyed, coupled with the fact that he had apparently done it so many times he knew EXACTLY when to do it, and did so with so little gusto I assumed he was atrophied, meant this was not his first rodeo. I still have the video if you're interested.

Facebook: O....M.....F.....S.....G... (Oh My Fucking Shitfuck Gonads)... Mystical loves her some Facebook. First thing's first: A status is just that... a one sentence fucking STATUS. Her statuses (statii? Statutory rape?) are epic diatribes written in the 5th person by the acclaimed Viking berzerker Kraag the Unfettered, high ruler of Valeria in the Upper Danish Norsk region of the 3rd century, beater of all manner of Beast, killer of Beowulf, and hi ruler of Zamunda. I mean seriously, some of these statuses are 4 paragraphs long, and by "paragraph" I mean a huge 300 word fucking block of text that no one can possibly read or comprehend. I am now positive she is using code like those Windtalkers in WWII to send nuclear secrets to Krsyphillistan. She also has friended random people at my job, which lead to the inevitable "Hey dude your mom friended me, now I'm gonna pound her in the browniehole" remarks. OK maybe he didn't make those remarks but I would if I was him and that's just weird. Haven't I been through enough? I worked with someone who had seen and possibly stuffed money into her unobstructed smelly hairhole at one point, I assumed it could not get any worse but it could. If Tylester befriends her, I must then kill myself.

Anyway, don't hold your breath for updates, I am not going to post too regularly, or when I do I might post 3 times in one day, though I haven't done anything 3 times in one day since my wife took the kids to the ozarks and I found out the playboy channel had free previews. Zing!