I'm a foolish man
with love and support from you,
I can - wait, cracktime!
So Ted brings this basset hound over, this incredibly fat little basset hound, and gently places him on the floor. He gives me a little wink, gives Smeagol 20 dollars, and leaves. Story over. Yeah, right. Smeagol, firstly, had no intention of watching some damn dog, not when he had 20 dollars in his hands! He immediately put Bailey in a kennel and made a beeline to the nearest Taco Bell to replenish his supply.
This asshole comes back with, to start with, no food for me, a couple of soft tacos which Mystery ate right in front of me, which sadly watching a retard munch on a soft taco while slowly killing a kitten, her leggings turning an unseemly shade of brown from her never peeling them off long enough to wash or probably crap through, I wasn't all that hungry.
Smeagol is sitting on the couch watching WCW, massaging his balls as they hung out the side of his thong, a smirk on his raptor visage at his good fortune, and Bailey breaks out of the kennel Smeags intended o him staying in the entire time. Smeagol gave the poor dog a glare, but was too ensconced in the battle ("They're totally real, niggie! You can't fake moves like that!") on the television to do anything about it. I was playing Guardian Heroes on Sega Saturn, and wondering when I could go back to work to fuckin' eat again, when the smell hit me. It was a thick, meaty shit smell, and I at first thought either Mystery's legs had swung back open or Smeagol's mouth was agape again, but a quick look verified that Mystery was close legged, rubbing Smeagol's bare feet as he lay cockroach style on the couch, cooing with delight as he watched him some wrasslin'.
All of a sudden Smeagol smelled it too. his coos turned to angry growls, and Bailey looked at him like "what?! You shouldn't have locked me up!"
It was on.
Smeagol hopped off the couch and grabbed Bailey by the face, and smooshed it into it's own dookies. Then, and I shit you not, Smeagol punched the fucking dog like 4 times in the fucking snout and threw it against the wall! The whole time he was doing this really weird growling, it sounded kind of gleeful though as he bested this poor gay dog in physical combat. I was still sitting there, dumbfounded, as Smeagol kicked the dog up it's ass all the way back into it's kennel, then lay on his back and rolled back and forth (not in the dookie, though that would have been funnier) howling his hurt raptor howl because one of his kicks hit the door to the kennel instead of soft doggie.
Ted came back a few days later, and Smeagol, without nary a word, gave his trembling, gay dog back to him.
In the aftermath, out of principle, I refused to clean up the dookies until 2 weeks later, when Smeagol and Mystery were still stepping over it, and I had a date coming over. What the hell man?!