Like a Thief in the Night
I love chocolate cake
boiled steamed fried or even baked!
good for goodness sake!
So it's been a while since we have heard of Smeagol's adventures, and I was at once happy and disheartened. I was happy because it appeared he might be turning over a new leaf, becoming a pillar of a society that once shunned him, tossing him aside into the murky depths of his own dark psyche, meant to sit smoldering in the wretched meanderings of his darker alter ego...
But that's not the case, so...
I called JJ the other day, well actually I called Mystical to thank her for coming by and not flashing the security guards downstairs...but you can't call JJ's house without talking to him! After exchanging pleasantries I asked about a certain wiley raptor, and got a most entertaining update.
Apparently Smeagol stole a bunch of JJ's shirts. As far as I could understand, Smeagol came by one day recently and was most distressed to find that no one was there to receive him. Angry that JJ had the adulation, adoration and nay, sexytime elation of numerous ladies, while as a raptor Smeagol is relegated to society's fodder, the ladies who no longer have standards or various female animals, Smeagol cleaned JJ's closet of some of his finer shirts. He did return them, after another threat of violence, but seriously, consider that JJ has a child to care for, works 30 miles away from his home, and is in constant threat of detection and assault by the local gendarme. Smeagol has "borrowed" clothings from me as well, and I am in no better of a situation. Yet Smeagol works 2 jobs, has no kids, no pets, pays less than half of what I do for rent, and the sustenance he attains from his daily beggings is more than enough to sate his needs. I just don't get it.
Anyway, JJ was trying to find a babysitter for his kid, and being a good person I nominated my wife without telling her, because I am a classy guy. JJ informed me the reason for the request was because Mystical couldn't do it, she had to work a double, and though Smeagol and Karla usually- wait, what?
I asked for more information, and apparently Smeagol has been living with Karla and her boyfriend for several weeks now, which would explain why no one answers the phone when I call his raptor house anymore. JJ said he called and Mystery was all like "he went to work about 6 weeks ago and hasn't been home since, I think he is still at work"... which is sad on so many levels. WHat is she eating? She has no job, and from past experience I know Smeagol does not have a stash of taco bell that would last 6 weeks... I mean come on. As ugly and annoying as she is, Mystery deserves better than that raptor. Haggard, take one for the team, man... she needs you.
All jokes aside, Smeagol has apparently been trying to get ahold of me for awhile, and now I am pretty sure I know why, and will refrain from answering his raptor calls.