Friday, October 12, 2007

Scam Time!

Nigerian scams
your English, like your breath, stinks
your balls are showing


Scam Time!


OK so being influenced by http://ebolamonkeyman.com/, Haggard and the tales of the Nigerian Scam, also known as the 419 scammer, I decided to start screwing with a couple of scammers, since it's freakin' funny and also because I hate them for clogging my hotmail inbox. I created a couple of names to get me started, forwarded the emails from my self, replied, and waited...


And the wait was worth it... a Mrs. Stella Harrison wrote back about some consignment at Heathrow airport. I will post as new emails come in... bear with me, this might start a little slow. Stella's emails will be in black. My replies will be in blue. My comments will be in red. Ready? Let's begin:


FROM THE DESK OF:
Mrs. Stella Harrison

CONFIDENTIAL TRANSACTION

Dear Mr. Philip McKraken,

I got your address through a local Business directory on the web. I must apologies for taking some of your valuable time to explain a proposal that I imagine will be of utmost benefit.
My name is Mrs. Stella Harrison, a Customs Officer attached to the Heathrow airport here in London and presently in a dilemma about what to do about a large consignment we intercepted at the airport about two Months ago. If I was told this, I would never have believed it, considering the wide spread of scams and frauds rocking UK and other countries alike. After inspection of the seizure, my Colleagues and I discovered it contained a large amount of money believed to have been diverted from the Government coffers by politicians, totaling $32.4 million USD and was on it's way to the Overseas for their cronies.
The beneficiary was a Brazilian businessman who has since denied the consignment. This consignment unbelievably was declared by these faceless people as artifacts. The owners of the loot have since disappeared knowing the implications. However, we have not made our findings open to the public. In fact we have started thinking of taking over the seizure as we feel there will not be any reward after all and will only end up in another man's pocket as has always been the case in this country.
What I want from you is your CONSENT so that we can effectively transfer the ownership of this Consignment to your name and conveniently reclaim it afterwards. We shall make provisions for any inconveniences we may cause you by giving you 30% at the end of this transaction while 70% will be for me and my Colleagues. Honestly such situations have been occurring but I have never witnessed any and I have always dismissed them as scams until now that I have seen it myself. My colleagues and I are working round the clock to effect a hitch free transaction by God's grace.
Please give me your views. Also I have to hold on to other vital information for now for security reasons. This transaction process will be smooth and 100% risk free. I will want us to finalize this transaction within one week if you respond promptly.Thank you once again.Expecting your immediate response. Do call me to confirm receipt of this email.Sincerely yours,

Mrs. Stella Harrison
Phone: 44 704 575 4849


Stevester: Awesome... I had waited so long my original email back to her was... a little over the top. I was afraid after replying that I had scared her away... ask my wife I lost some sleep over it (really)... I reference Steve, because she originally sent the above message to him, and replied to him as well with the exact same message. Here I try to get her to deal only with Phil...



RE: EXTREMELY URGENT!!‏
From: Philip McKraken
Sent: Tue 10/09/07 10:07 PM
To: Mrs. Stella Harrison

Thank you for contacting me. I was not sure you would, or that you would give this awesome deal to Steve, who loves smuggling the salami, if you know what I mean. I would love to help you out in this your very intriguing endeavor. First, though, let me tell you a little about myself. I work for a company called Smeagol Sweets, I am the quality assurance advisor over the packing and shipping of fudge and other confectionary products. We are a 1.3 billion dollar a year company, maybe you have heard of us? Our motto is 'Pack a little fudge and smile!'


Anyway, I think it is very important to get to know each other if we are going to go into business together. I am 29 years old, Single (wink, wink) and enjoy Dharma and Greg, This Old House and Tootsie on television. I hate Brazilians, they hurt soo much, yet look so good! Anyway I think if we are going to be business associates, we should at least trade pictures. Here's mine, I was feeling a little sexy, and got to thinking about what you might look like.



Are you married, Stella? Tell me what you look like so I can get a good picture of your face in my head as I read your words. Anyway, on to business, since it's evening, and my posse's on Broadway, you should know that me and Kid Sensation, in our home away from home are in a black Benz limo with a cellular phone. Sadly, the phone is not working, so I cannot give you a call at this moment, though I promise you I will. Anyway, on to business. Tell me what it is you need me to do in order to get this ball rolling, and don't forget to tell me a little about yourself! There are a lot of scams in this world, and I want to be sure I am dealing with a real person, not one of those insurgents I always hear about on the TV.
Never fear, kind reader, despite this picture I REALLY did send to her, she responds back... I will post that one Monday. I asked the Tylester and my wife whether I should be gay or try to get Stella to fall in love with me by pretending I had fallen for her... please vote so I know where we all want to go with this. You all have a stake in this too... I was thinking of asking for a shot of her browneye at some point... trying the "I'm lonely and can't get any ladies but I have a lot of money" route to really humiliate her... I am also thinking of trying to get her to have a sign saying my name, "Phil McKraken"... awesome.

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