Friday, October 19, 2007


Bootsy Collins, ya'll
Bootzilla just ain't right now!
Funk so hard it stinks

I don't wanna sound like a queer or anything, but...

I am deathly afraid of fish.

Fucking DEATHLY afraid.

You see, it all started when I was 4. I was a cute young chap, a curly afro (I will scan a picture proving this) adorning my adorable face along with my Dukes of Hazzard mesh shirt and Voltron sneakers, and it was Friday night, which in the 80's meant either Ray Bradbury's theater, Creepshow, Tales From the Darkside or a horror movie. We all got popcorn and sat to wait for the magical hour, 9 o'clock, to watch whatever came on. Well I was fucking 4, so as usual I fell asleep at around 8 and Smeagol and my sister relieved me of my popcorn.

The movie that night was "Pirhana 3D", and my sibling quickly grabbed the 3D glasseswe kept around for just these events. For reasons that will become clear in just a moment, they also turned me toward the TV and put a pair on me.

If you have ever seen Pirhana, a freakishly large fish jumps out at the screen chomping it's incisors as the opening title screen comes up. Smeagol turned the TV up quite a bit and they shook me awake.

I turned to look, just in time to see a 3D fish jumping out of the television chomping it's jaws, the loudest scraping metal sound I have ever heard. I screamed, the loudest, most terrified scream I could muster, and apparently pissed myself before running up the stairs, still screaming. My mom told me I would not bathe for almost 2 days after that, I was so afraid of water.

Fast forward to 1999. I am a strapping lad of 18, it is summer, and I am standing in the warm waters of Smithville lake. I was pretty nice and buff at that point, nice little 6 pack going on there, some sexy guns, and I could see a couple of interested ladies looking my way. I tried to act uninterested, and instead turned to flex so they could see the back muscles, when it happened.

A dead, tiny fish floated by and gently grazed my leg.

The scream of abject terror luckily overcame what was I am sure some very loud fearfarts (check dictionary), and I ran all the way out of the water and up to the car, still screaming like a bitch, or Smeagol when someone steps on his foot. I tell you, if there had been any feces waiting within my bowels, I would have ruined my bright orange hawaiian swimming trunks, which would NOT have been cool.

This fear continues to this day, along with the fear my mother instilled in me about those fountains at malls... I will talk more about that later.

On Smeagol's picture: I will get the film developed and post Monday, I am a lazy fuck so bear with me.


Natasha said...

Don't forget that we share this same RATIONAL AND COMPLETELY NORMAL phobia....

Stevester said...

Then it's us against the world, Natasha... I bought a bunch of fish to get over my fear, and am now afraid to touch anything in the tank without gloves on for fear they will swarm me and eat my flesh away...

wbabbit said...

Anyone for Long John Silver's?