How does Smeagol chew?
He only has 2 damn teeth
I mean, what the hell!
So one fine spring afternoon, I am sitting in the living room, having fortified my immediate area with enough incense to barely edge out the constant funk of snake shit, Mystery's asshole and Smeagol's sweaty ball scent all over the couch (I was sitting in a chair) and was engaging in a spirited round of gameplay on my superb Sega Saturn.
The phone rang.
I usually ignore the phone, especially when Smeagol is not supposed to be at work and also out running around, as it is usually a pretty good bet he is in jail. I hear Mystery doing her little annoyed snort thing, and the whine of the cat she has held prisoner as she picks it up and hobbles retardedly into the living room.
"Duh who is this?" She always says her thoughts out loud, which is both really annoying and also horribly stupid, as she usually gives herself away when she lies, which she did a lot. Apparently it is not one of the bill collectors threatening to shut something off, because she answers. Smeagol is in jail, this time in Tarkio, a suburb of Maryville, Missouri, almost 2 hours away. WTF?! Smeags had only been gone for 3 hours or so, how did he get up there and arrested so fast?
Mystery then hangs up and starts staring at me, I guess waiting for me to offer to go get Smeagol out of jail. Fuck dat. I had to work that day and I felt like relaxing, not driving out to BFE to pick that asshole up so I can have him stinking my car up the entire time with his rancid ass gas...
Finally I get tired or her hideous face ruining my game and ignoring her little snorts and mumbling under her shit-breath so I agree to go if only to shut her up. I say something about "go ahead and get changed" so she will not let her queef-juice leak out all over my seats from her nasty ass leggings she wears all the time, you can see both the nasty split tooth camel toe and the festering drippage all the time if you cared to look, which I never did. She declines to change, much to my chagrin, and splorches her unwashed ass in my car.
We get going, the windows down even though it is only 40 degrees outside, I tell her it is because I am hot, but we both know that's not the reason. The drive is a long one, but thankfully she is intent on breathing and does not have much more intellectual horsepower to do that and peak coherently, so we ride in silence, since my radio sucked anus.
We get to the jail in Tarkio, or rather outside of it actually, and it is literally a 3 story brick house with a fence and razorwire around it. Although the windows appear to be painted over, it looks like they are not barred, what keeps the prisoners from escaping? I would soon learn the reason has more to do with the officers not caring about human life and less to do with the honor system.
Smeagol's bail is 300 dollars, which is all Mystery has, and she turns to me and asks if I would like to put any money into the pot so they can eat. I decline, since I am already out 20 dollars and I need to eat as well. She then spends an hour on the phone, literally getting hung up on time after time, trying to find a bail bondsman who will bond Smeagol out. You see, Smeagol goes to jail pretty often, and when he gets bailed out he never goes to court, because then he would just have to go back to jail. It's a vicious cycle, one that is still in full swing to this day.
Mystery finally finds someone who will bail him out, and tells me though I am completely uninterested and tell her so. She then has the gall to tell me she told him I would cosign on the bond in order to get him to come out. I get in my car and leave.
Very late that night they get home and Smeagol has the nerve to tell me if I ever do that again I can move out. I inform him if I leave I am taking my phone and light service with me, to which he replies we should all just calm down and not get too hasty, everything can always be worked out. The night ends with him sitting in my chair in his bikini briefs, balls hanging out, tainting my only furniture sanctuary in the house with his asshole scent as he watches wrestling and eats kim chi.