Friday, October 26, 2007

On Smeagol - a musing

Yay jeans day is here!
Why can't every day be so?
jeans and halter tops!


So now you have a picture of Smeagol, I wonder if you could imagine him ordering food in a drive through and getting annoyed when they call him "ma'am", curled up sleeping in a booth at Burger King until it was time to work, gently massaging his package through his thong while watching JJ National Geographing it up on his couch almost every night with a different girl, hitting on some chick with human feces on his shirt, getting knocked out by geriatrics, I wonder if those stories are still as funny now that you have a picture to put to that character.

Smeagol is a shitty driver. He buys all of his cars from the same place, a shitty car dealer on Troost, and they have yet to give him a decent car. I remember the only car he had that was not a complete piece of shit was one Mystery's mom co-signed from a different dealership, a 1993 Pontiac Grand Am. He loved that thing and would attempt to race anything out there, including Mustangs, Camaros and the like, always losing but telling us in frantic tones "I almost beat him niggie!"

On this particular day we were on our way to Burger King to work, and we were late, as usual, because at that point I did not have a car so had to rely on Smeagol, who had been out shopping for Hot Wheels all afternoon as he had gotten paid that morning, and had ditched going to work that afternoon like he was supposed to. We were trucking along, and some punk kids pull up even with us on the highway in a Mustang Dominator, the 1986 version that I think came with the 351 Cleveland in it or something, at any rate it was much faster than the usual Mustang fare.

They hit the gas, of course easilly leaving us in the dust, and Smeagol got into "race mode":

Let me explain race mode, because this is the funniest shit you will ever hear, made funnier now that you know Smeagol's face.

1. He would start gyrating in his seat, all the while saying to himself "ahhh shit niggie, it's on, it's on"

2. He would play either "Radar Love" or anything made by Poison on his nifty cassette player, he kept this tape in the deck for just these occasions, which came up often

3. He would smooth back his hair, which was funny because he had such long nails he could not make fists so he would run his hands, completely outstretched, along his bed head, which he always had

4. He would start messing with the shifter, which was funny because it was an automatic, and like I said he could not make fists so he would kind of angrilly massage both the steering wheel and the shifter with his outstretched hands, at this point changing from "aaaahhhh shit niggie" to "you better buckle up, I am gonna smoke these bitch mufuggers"

5. He would stomp on the gas, which I am sure in a car that was well maintained would cause it to surge forward at great speeds, but int his case ended up blowing out a cylinder and blowing the head gasket, making a big couching whump sound and dying by the highway.

Smeagol started cursing then, which sounded like a 12 year old girl who just learned some cusswords howling them at the wall, except not as much strength. I asked him to make a call to BK to let them know what had happened, and he informed me that he did not want to waste any of his minutes on that, I am on my own. He then called Mystery's mom, arranged to be picked up and have the car towed, climbed into the back seat (no joke) and went to sleep, telling me to wake him up when the truck got there...

We get to Burger King later than usual, and get summarily fired. I remember trying not to laugh as Haggard and goiterneck, the managers at the time, tried to let me know right in front of Smeagol that although they were firing both of us, they really only wanted to get rid of Smeagol, who apparently didn't get it.

More Monday, I gots more scams and more Smeagol and a lot more Dad, stay tuned


wbabbit said...

So you didn't get fired?

This Haggard Machine said...

Let me try to help clear up that point. I, Stevester, his brother Smeags, and Steve's lovely wife (now) all worked together at this BK for about 6 or 7 years, we did the late night shift. I was lucky enough to be in charge of this establishment and in all my years, he was hands down the best, for many reasons.

So no matter how late he was, or what lame excuse they brought me, no matter how fucked up the rest of his family was, and as hard as they tried to fuck up everything for him and this job, I fought to keep him around, I love the guy!

Steve is an awesome dude, he was the yin to my yang, we fished each other's thoughts and shit, he is the best! And when I needed him to get the job done, I had no worries.

I knew how much he wanted to get away from what he was having to grow up with, I believed in him when no one else did, and I wanted to have something to do with him getting the hell out of there. I think he was aware that I thought a lot of him, because eventually, I knew he would give me the shirt of his back if I asked. So when we went into work mode every night, he was great.

Naturally, I did what I could to keep him there, and we did everything we could to keep his brother out! It was a rough job sometimes. When they were late, I knew they would eventually be there, even with no call, and they were. They loved me!!

More to come, I'm sure!

This Haggard Machine said...

Whoever checked off 'Mystery is hawt' in the poll, is damn nasty. If you met her in person you would have to hold back the puke that came up in your throat. She looks like an evil witch that smells like shit, vomit and sweat.

Stevester said...

Haggard was awesome too, we would make the night fun, it only started sucking when Smeags would try to join in...