The Lawnmower car

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The Lawnmower Car

So My grandmother, in her infinite wisdom, decided after the dealers finally got tired of kidnapping my dad and taking his car and just took his car, to buy him a new one. She cosigned for a 1998 Chevrolet Cavalier, brand new (well it had 10000 miles on it but you get my point) to him at least, and I assumed, erroneously, that he was going to turn over a new leaf. He did turn that leaf over, then rolled it up and smoked it after his crack rock supply had diminished.

One of my dad's dealers, V (not for Vendetta), who I briefly spoke about before, was one of the more reserved crack dealers, actually acting pretty respectful while in my mom's house (he sold to both my mom and my dad, which is a feat since they were both with different people at the time, but crack brings the family together, if only to huddle for warmth when the gas gets cut off), though he did call my dad "Steve-o", which my dad would mumble quietly after making sure V was not around he hated. My brother and I started calling my dad Steve-o.

Anyway, as is usual at this point, my dad's love of the rock overtook his ability to pay for it, and the time came for him to become kidnapped again. During this 2 weeks that he had the car, he had also driven over a couple of curbs, making the car kind of run funny. Anyway, he finally went to work and did not come home, and just like on South Park, we all realized aloud that he had been kidnapped again, you bastards.

So after the requisite call home to tell us he was kidnapped and he didn't know what they were going to do to him pray for him yada yada yada, everyone laughing because we had him on speakerphone, I wondered aloud where his car was. Later on that day I see V and Billy-Bill driving his car crazy all over the place, almost hitting a mailbox and generally acting like idiots. This would go on every payday for the next year or two, after I had moved out and gotten a house and everything. Over the months the car got shittier and shittier, the seats would not sit back up, there were.... fluids all over the seats, there was literally ashes coating everything, and crack residue on the console between the seats, which was awesome, and for some unexplainable reason there were newspapers and fast food refuse piled up all over the back seat and trunk, which was clearly visible because someone took the back part behind the headrest out with a knife or something. It also smelled horribly of booty all the time in there as well, which was not cool as V and Billy-Bill told us all the time about their conquests in that car, usually while you were sitting in the seat where just a few hours before they had been completely naked giving some girl the mandarin blood sausage.

One day, I went over to my parents house, Jeff had taken my mom's check and disappeared, Janet was at another crack party my dad was not invited to, so pretty much a normal day. Mom was in full Mystical Retard sway, telling us how spiritual it was that someone bought her some ramen noodles because she hadn't eaten in 2 weeks and they were the best she had ever tasted in her life, and also how she missed Jeff's manpipe, right in front of my dad, as they both sat in the living room smoking crack, reminiscing about loves lost in times past.

I asked where my dad's car was, since he was here and the car was not. A huge grin spread across his face and he informed me that someone thought V was him and blew his brains out all over the inside of the car. My dad informed me this was a stroke of luck, as he had owed V 2500 dollars and now he did not owe it, then quickly returned to the pipe. Mom told me that it was "very spiritual that he died, because he left his dog and I think the dog knew when he died, because he moaned so sadly like he had lost his partner in -a pause as she took a long drag off the pipe- life... I knew he was dead at that point, I sho am glad I don't owe him any money though." And with that she started that retarded moan that meant she was communing with the spirits, or asking Jesus to ride his magical skateboard down to bring her hot wings or whatever it was she was doing, meaning she was done with intelligent conversation for the time being.

Dad informed me he was going to go get his car from the impound and clean the brains out of it and drive it again, still grinning from his good fortune. That's when Billy-Bill knocked on the door, and by "knocked on the door", I mean "walked into the house unannounced and sat on the couch"...

He paused for a moment, was it for reflection? No. He informed my dad that the account he had had with V was now ported over to him, so my dad owed him 4300 dollars, as he already had smoked up 1800 with Billy-Bill on credit. My dad's smile melted, and he sadly gave Billy-Bill all 100 dollars he had promised he would spend on groceries for the 7 of us for the next 2 weeks, and Billy-Bill informed him he would be back when he got paid and left, completely ignoring me.

Throughout this whole exchange mom was swaying her head from side to side in tune to some mystical retard music, eyes closed, completely oblivious to the mortal world. I could have teabagged her and gave her a KC Dirt track (check the dictionary) and she would not have noticed... fuck Smeagol.

More tomorrow, maybe another edition of "Quickies"