Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Land Shark

Ode to the Landshark

All hail the landshark!
Scourge of the northern corn fields
preying on black belts

The Shark

I have told everyone before I have a first degree black belt in the K-Rat. This story is the first time it has proven completely worthless to have a black belt in the K-Rat.

I drive a hot rod 89 Escort. I paid 550 dor it almost 3 long years ago. It is an awesome car:

Well it was around October, and thusly getting a little cool outside, and the crappy battery I put in that High output (108 HP vs. 86 beeyotches!) awesomobile was dying. I was on my way home from the K-Rat, and had just gotten to the part where there are no streetlights or civilization, just darkness and woods, when the car died. I rolled it to a stop, and sat there, trying not to let the incomprehensible fear that was trying to escape my body take over. I hated nature, bugs, trees, dirt, the homeless, they all suck and I hate them.

I tried to call my wife, no one answered. Funny since it was 8:30 at night and she had no car, but I digress. I get out of the car and start walking.

Let me explain the situation here: I had just gotten off from karate, so I was wearing my gi, which is a black traditional top and white karate pants, and flip flops. It is a full moon, so I look like even more of a crazy person, especially when you factor in that I am probably not the correct skin pigment to be outside where I was...

It's strange how different the country looks when you are walking along with no streetlights and only the moon to guide you how different everything is... what is during the day the faint rustle of a country breeze gently caressing the wheat or other crops along the prairie, at night is the howling winds of the Lord of the 7th underworld, Vishnaroth, heralding the demons of +4 hellish constitution to attack from all directions. No dogs barking, only the horrid screech of some unseen creature, lurking just past the faint light spell the moon has cast over the street, waiting patiently for the clouds to overtake it so it can rip you to shreds with it's talons and Crushing Screech spell, which is helped by it's bardric mage properties.

Anyway, I was walking along the middle of the road, which is dumb because it is one of those hilly 2 lane highways and I could get hit at any moment, but my fear of all things natural (except boobies of course. Oh!) kept me away from the huge thickets and bushes at the side of the road, the foreboding presence of the tall oaks and other assorted trees casting a stark contrast to the moon's eerie glow.

All of a sudden I hear it: a low rustling in this huge tree sitting way to close to the road, one of those really old trees that was strangely all by itself as if it was one of the tree people in the Hobbit and had walked closer to the road in order to nab unlucky passersby as they attempted to walk home. Luckily a car was coming up behind me, so I rushed by it and then kind of turned so they would know I was there... and apparently drive right past, even speeding up a little so my blackness did not taint their car.

It was at this moment, dear reader, that all of those irrational thoughts that had been held at bay by my Circlet of Sanity broke loose, flooding my brain with non-sensical information. What if werewolves could not tell that the moon was not quite full? How could I be sure that there were not sharks swimming in the little drainage ditches on either side of the road? If a deer came out would it attack me? Could I outrun a racoon/ possum/ squirrel in flip flops? Why do superheros wear their underwear on the outside of their clothes? They already have superpowers, do they have to brag about not having skidmarks too?

I was coming up on a similar tree, one too close to the road, and everything was eerily quiet. All of a sudden, just as I got in front of it, something in there rustled and made a loud, throaty crowing sound. That was enough for me. I began sprinting, and one of my flip flops came off. Instead of going back for it or taking the other one off, I ran the rest of the way home with only one flip flop on.


I later did some research and found out land sharks do exist, nay sayers, and I have photographic evidence to prove it! Also note: This is not a forgery, something copied and pasted via Paint in less than 10 minutes while I was sitting there ignoring Flanders, this is the real deal!

Well, silly E-blogger will not let me upload, so I will have to do it tomorrow

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