steveshaikus: Scam Time (ongoing series)

Monday, October 15, 2007

Scam Time (ongoing series)

The Concorde is nice
But cannot touch the Escort
It's a zombie train

Scam Time II

So I could not believe Stella wrote me with a name like Phil McKraken, but I had not received a response from her so I tried to coax her (him?) from her fear of writing back:

Phil M. to Stella H.

Hey just wanted to touch base and see what was going on with you, I had not heard from you and you wanted this transaction completed within a week. I am looking forward to obtaining my share, I want to get this ball moving so that I can spend some of that money and maybe give you a pearl necklace for your graciousness towards me. Please get back with me soon, I am tearing my chest hairs out in anguish.

...and it worked like a charm!

Stella H. to Phil M.

FROM THE DESK OF:
Mrs. Stella Harrison

CONFIDENTIAL TRANSACTION

Attn: Philip McKraken,

Thanks for your response to my proposal, I and my Colleagues are happy to hear that you are ready to help us in this transaction.
I must let you know here that this whole transaction will take few days if you act accordable to our instructions. The ownership of this Consignment will be transfer to your name as soon as you send the following information’s:
(1.) Your contact address and your direct phone number.
(2.) A copy of your I.D card or International passport. (This should be scan and send by email attachment)
Note that after this is done, the Consignment will be ship from Heathrow airport here in London through a DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY CARGO to you and it will be delivered to your door step. Another thing is the consignment contents will not be declared as cash but declared as Family Treasure and Valuables..
Bear in mind that you will be in custody of our own share of the Consignment for a period of two months, there after i will be coming over to meet with you to collect our share. In line with this, you are to give a written agreement that you will not fail on your part.
Thank you once again.Expecting your immediate response.Sincerely yours,

Mrs. Stella Harrison

I did not click on the link, and I suggest you do not either. I like how she seems to completely ignore my questions and requests for a picture and forges ahead with her original business plan. Now it's time to go completely insane:

Phil M. to Stella H.

Sounds good! I do not have a passport, but I do have a Price Chopper Frequent shopper card I can copy, it is good for up to 35% off at any participating Price Chopper, would that help? I don't see how it wouldn't, those kinds of savings are insane!

As far as my contact address and telephone number, I am not in the practice of giving out my personal information all willy-nilly to someone I do not know. Tell me about yourself, it would be better so that when you come to pick up your share of the loot- er, I mean consignment (wink) we will already know each other in every way but physical. To make it easier, maybe you could just answer a few questions:

1. Where do you live? After I get my money, can I come by and crash on your couch sometime?

2. What are your measurements?

3. Canadians. Why?

4. If you could be a type of underwear, what kind would you be? (I am banana hammock all the way!)

5. Are you single?

Kindly answer these questions and then I would be happy to move forward with my contact information for the speedy movement of this b.m. (Barrel o' Money) to my home. Also to make things easier, could you send me a recent picture so I know who I am talking to? You can send one like mine if you like or just a normal one, but here in America we like to get an idea of who we are talking to, face to face. I am so excited, I am going to whip up a batch of man-gravy (secret recipe, been in my family for generations) and biscuits to share with you when you get here. You are not allergic to black sausage, are you? It's kind of exotic, but I think it really fleshes out the flavor of the meal... Anyway, I will get to scanning my id and probably get it to you Friday afternoon, please respond soon!

Also, call me Phil.

Yours,

Phil McKraken, OBGYN, DDS, Esq.

I am giving this idiot every hint in the world that I am not serious about helping, and yet she persists... Tomorrow: Stella Responds! After that I will get back to some Smeagol stories, they have been piling up these last few days, I wish he would take a break so I could catch you all up on his past movings... there is a lot of stuff that happened over the weekend...

No comments:

Post a Comment

The Lexicon

1. Cameltoe of Destruction - A cameltoe so massive and flagrant it can consume your will to live.

2. Turn-by-turn directions - When some moron explains so much that you could completely retrace their steps/ thoughts/ bowel movements in the event there is ever a trial over that

3. Churning brown butter - Taking a dump, droppin' a deuce, chucking some queef dirt, machine gunning the dirt pellets... etc.

4. Consuming a kitten's soul - a human so evil that only Jesus can look them in the eye, and when he does he gets ED for a month...

5. A cobra eating a clown - besides the new design for my hood, the most awesome brand on the planet. Copyright that, bitches!

6. National Geographin' it up - when you imitate the native peoples on National Geographic and screw someone, usually doggystyle, in front of other people with no sense of decency or desire to stop. Coined by me to describe JJ.

7. Anal Bifeda - Kind of like spinal bifeda, but it makes you act like a mule's sagging asshole all the time. Or you can just attempt to engage Greyskull in conversation and see this disease in action.

8. Queef-mud - What starts out as an innocent little queef but turns into full blown diahrrea. Can strangely enough be applied to men if they are completely innocently trying to fart in someone's face and shit all over the bed.

9. "Yoooouuuuu Llllllliiiiigggeeetttt Steve!" - (I will be glad to vocalize upon request) What Janet was saying to my dad while he desperately tried to hit both sides of her monkey hole that had been spread by the plunging of numerous cocks earlier that day. Also used as an insult to anyone named Steve.

10. Booty Ass Overtime - not just overtime, but when you work so much overtime you fall asleep while sitting on the toilet having a tinkle, or don't have the time to tinkle so let your own bodily fluids mix and meld with whatever is all over your shirt any damn way.

11. Shitdick - A condition that can only come about from a spirited round of butt-lovin'. When your loving partner cannot hold in his/ her chocolate thunder but likes your anal plunging so much they try to let a little dust off the crap and end up lubing your meatstick and lower belly with hershey dark 'n chunky.

12. Lip it - when you take the head of your cock and rub it around the rim of a cup before handing it to someone. It's funnier if you are circumcised because there is that little oily spot right behind the cap that really stinks if you don't wash it right and that smell will not come out of someone's mouth.

13. Shiznitobam-slip-slap-Sally - The freshest of the fresh, the illest of the ill, the deffest of the def, now all you cat's chill. I made that up.

14. KC Dirt track - When you teabag a girl (or boy) backwards, and you blow ass right up their nose and all over their upper face, leaving a fine spray of shit and dingleberries for all to see.

15. fearfarts - Those real smelly farts you had been trying to hold in, like when hot chicks (or dudes, depending) are in too close proximity to cropdust, and something scares the living fucking shit out of you, causing you to machine gun these nasty ass farts uncontrollably into your pants, and they are the loudest farts you have ever laid. Great at parties.

16. Modalities of the consignment - Anyone who utters this phrase or uses the word "modalities" or "consignment" in it is a scammer. please forward them on to me accordingly.

17. The Stevester Layup - A basketball move that starts with a 280 pound man running right at you, double dribbling in the process, and leading in for the layup with his knee, often striking you in the chest with much brunt force. Not liked by judges.

18. Teleworketing - not mine, I'm afraid, said by a manager at an 8 hour meeting, to describe someone who is, I assume, a telemarketer who is working from home docketing a pro se case? You be the judge.

19. Toilet Shopping - when you go to a floor you in reality have no business on with the express purpose of taking a dump. Awkward when you get caught, or if the lights are motion detected and turn off and someone walks in there thinking no one is in there because it's dark and then tries to talk to you while you shit.

20. Raptor stomping - When you are so angry you want to stomp, but everything hurts your feet, including carpet, so you walk gingerly, raptor style, but you swing your feet down as hard as you can until you almost make contact and then gingerly tap your piddy on the carpet. I will be happy to demonstrate so you can all visualize.

21. sleepulence - those long, drawn out quiet farts you get when you are either asleep, or do not have the power to push out (aka Smeagol). Known to be so potent they can take a layer of varnish off of a house, even if there is no varnish on there to begin with.

steveshaikus

Monday, October 15, 2007

Scam Time (ongoing series)

No comments:

Blog Archive

VerveEarth