Monday, October 15, 2007

Scam Time (ongoing series)

The Concorde is nice
But cannot touch the Escort
It's a zombie train

Scam Time II

So I could not believe Stella wrote me with a name like Phil McKraken, but I had not received a response from her so I tried to coax her (him?) from her fear of writing back:

Phil M. to Stella H.

Hey just wanted to touch base and see what was going on with you, I had not heard from you and you wanted this transaction completed within a week. I am looking forward to obtaining my share, I want to get this ball moving so that I can spend some of that money and maybe give you a pearl necklace for your graciousness towards me. Please get back with me soon, I am tearing my chest hairs out in anguish.

...and it worked like a charm!

Stella H. to Phil M.

Mrs. Stella Harrison


Attn: Philip McKraken,

Thanks for your response to my proposal, I and my Colleagues are happy to hear that you are ready to help us in this transaction.
I must let you know here that this whole transaction will take few days if you act accordable to our instructions. The ownership of this Consignment will be transfer to your name as soon as you send the following information’s:
(1.) Your contact address and your direct phone number.
(2.) A copy of your I.D card or International passport. (This should be scan and send by email attachment)
Note that after this is done, the Consignment will be ship from Heathrow airport here in London through a DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY CARGO to you and it will be delivered to your door step. Another thing is the consignment contents will not be declared as cash but declared as Family Treasure and Valuables..
Bear in mind that you will be in custody of our own share of the Consignment for a period of two months, there after i will be coming over to meet with you to collect our share. In line with this, you are to give a written agreement that you will not fail on your part.
Thank you once again.Expecting your immediate response.Sincerely yours,

Mrs. Stella Harrison

I did not click on the link, and I suggest you do not either. I like how she seems to completely ignore my questions and requests for a picture and forges ahead with her original business plan. Now it's time to go completely insane:

Phil M. to Stella H.

Sounds good! I do not have a passport, but I do have a Price Chopper Frequent shopper card I can copy, it is good for up to 35% off at any participating Price Chopper, would that help? I don't see how it wouldn't, those kinds of savings are insane!

As far as my contact address and telephone number, I am not in the practice of giving out my personal information all willy-nilly to someone I do not know. Tell me about yourself, it would be better so that when you come to pick up your share of the loot- er, I mean consignment (wink) we will already know each other in every way but physical. To make it easier, maybe you could just answer a few questions:

1. Where do you live? After I get my money, can I come by and crash on your couch sometime?

2. What are your measurements?

3. Canadians. Why?

4. If you could be a type of underwear, what kind would you be? (I am banana hammock all the way!)

5. Are you single?

Kindly answer these questions and then I would be happy to move forward with my contact information for the speedy movement of this b.m. (Barrel o' Money) to my home. Also to make things easier, could you send me a recent picture so I know who I am talking to? You can send one like mine if you like or just a normal one, but here in America we like to get an idea of who we are talking to, face to face. I am so excited, I am going to whip up a batch of man-gravy (secret recipe, been in my family for generations) and biscuits to share with you when you get here. You are not allergic to black sausage, are you? It's kind of exotic, but I think it really fleshes out the flavor of the meal... Anyway, I will get to scanning my id and probably get it to you Friday afternoon, please respond soon!

Also, call me Phil.


Phil McKraken, OBGYN, DDS, Esq.

I am giving this idiot every hint in the world that I am not serious about helping, and yet she persists... Tomorrow: Stella Responds! After that I will get back to some Smeagol stories, they have been piling up these last few days, I wish he would take a break so I could catch you all up on his past movings... there is a lot of stuff that happened over the weekend...

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