children of the thorn
have to ride the wicked storm
or the zombie train
- My dad constantly threatened to "whip your goat-smelling ass", even though we both knew I could easily best him in combat even before I got a black belt in the K-Rat. This continues to this day, with everyone still ignoring him completely.
- My older brother has purchased 11 cars from the same place, and they still put anti theft devices and remote shutdown modules in his cars every time he purchases one. I bought one car and they removed all of these things for me
- My younger brother is well adept at the entire "Stop-N-Go" approach to evading law enforcement: If he gets stopped, as soon as the wheels stop spinning he goes out the door and as far away as possible. This behavior continues to this day and is on the whole pretty successful
- Attila tried to breastfeed my son. I still cannot say or write that without vomiting in my mouth a little bit.
- I taught my son to say "Hey I farted! Shake hands!" Every tme he passed gas a s a joke. He recently got into trouble at school for doing that. He got ice cream and a toy when he got home because I think that's awesome.
- When I was 8 I actually got my own penis into my mouth. Don't judge.
- My little brother had a friend named Conneroy who would come over and let our dog hump him while we played Mortal Kombat. Our dog would wait at the front door for him whenever we told him he was coming over. That is gay.
- One time a homeless man saw a bunch of change in my car when I was working security downtown and waited in the snow and slush until my shift was over to beg for it. I threw a bunch of change toward the gutter and told that loser to dig for it before I tried to peel out and shot snow and crap all over him. That made me feel warm and fuzzy inside.
- I have no idea what I was dreaming about, but my wife said I woke up once, sat straight up and punched her in the face, then rolled over and went back to sleep. It was at that moment, and also right after I told her when I was 8 I put my penis into my own mouth, that she fell in love with me.