Tuesday, November 20, 2007

The stage is set...

Orange petticoat

My Guitar Hero band name

Flippin' sweet ass, right?

Thanksgiving Showdown

So this Thanksgiving it turning out to be a whopper of epic proportions. In the first corner, we have My parents, not much going on there, JJ and his troupe, and Smeagol, who though he stole a bunch of food, told my mom over the phone he was going to come up this week if I would go pick him up. Awesome...

In the next corner, my sister and her family, which is funny because the entire reason I was the only representative from my family allowed at her wedding is because she was afraid Smeagol would find out and start a fistfight with her like he did at her last wedding... no I did not tell her Smeagol was going to be there.

Next my aunt and my cousin are going to be there, my aunt is cool but my cousin is the one who caught the Metro over to my house to beat the crap out of Mystery, and no I did not tell her but Mystery will be there also, and Smeagol hits on her all the time, and no I did not tell her Smeagol was going to be there.

That's just my family, there are quite a few rumblings going on on her side as well...

So here is what I think will happen: My parents will show up first, because my dad wants to make sure he gets to Civilization 4 before anyone else can come up and hog the computer. Smeagol will show up, and him and my dad will have it out, but it will be funny because they both know they cannot fight in my house or I will step in, and both fear me. Smeagol will retire to the back room we set up a tv in with his favorite game on it for just this purpose, and probably strip down to his thong like he did the last time we gave him a room to himself, falling asleep in the middle of the floor and stinking the entire room up.

My aunt will show up, and Smeagol will start telling our FIRST cousin how he would like to "drink the cream from your stinky sex hole" as JJ puts it, I think I told you all about how he says this "I'd lick you slip slop Sally sassafras suckin Sunday" whatever, but because he only has 2 teeth we have to guess at what he's really saying. My cousin will see Mystery, and either attempt a bout of fisticuffs as soon as I leave the room or promise her as soon as she walks outside she's got a whoopin comin, which will cause Mystery to do that little snort huff she does that we all know and hate. My youngest son will step on Smeagol's foot again, causing him to cry out in agony like he always does, and giggle.

My sister will show up and there WILL be a fistfight, because my sister does not fear me whatsoever and will hate me for awhile for not telling her Smeagol will be there.

It's funny that pretty much the whole family is in solidarity on only one thing, and that thing is hating Smeagol. We fight, curse, ignore and refuse to help one another, but when it comes to banding together against that thong wearing raptor with a perm, we throw away our differences and come together.

Anyway, real quick I had to tell you about my aunt throwing my uncle out of her house. I may have told you before, but it's funny so I will do it again. You may remember my mom kicked my uncle out because he was shitting in Walmart bags and hangign them from a tree in the back yard. He aimed to build on this success by moving in with my aunt and sleeping on the couch, and was caught shitting in various places at her house, very few places being the toilet.

She finally decided to confront him, and stood over him while he was laying on the couch, a mean look in his eye. She told him he would have to leave because he was not trying to do anything with his life. I like to imagine he growled first, but my aunt said he just started shitting all over her couch, rolling around in it in anger before getting up and running out of the house. I never found out whether he had clothes on when he did that, and though it sounds incredible you have to remember when my mom was in mystical retard mode she once ran out of her house butt naked screaming at the top of her lungs for no reason once, so it is not only entirely possible, but frankly probable.

I have more scams, and I will have to finish one of these up so I can start a new thread, but I figured I would update on Arita Jack today, when we left her she was going to kill herself because she was poor, sleeping in a gutter outside her school:

RE: OMG how can I help!‏
From: ARITA JACK (aritajack@yahoo.com)
Sent: Sun 11/04/07 6:39 AM
To: Semore Butts (semorebutts.ido@hotmail.com)

Thank you for your email.Please i will do all you said.Help me.

Short, sweet, to the point. I got a half mast thinking about her offering herself to Mr. Butts, but it quickly dissipated when I realized it has to be a dude in some internet cafe in Lagos...

Semore Butts wrote:

If you could find enough monies to send me a picture, I will send you the money. To prove it is a real and not fake picture, I would like you to hold a sign saying "I want you to Phil McKraken", that way I will know you are sincere.
Shit I realized too late I am supposed to be Semore Butts!

A cardboard sign should be free to make, and a picture is only a dollar or two, please send this picture to me so I will know your lovely face and can send this money with a clear conscience. If you can get a picture taken naked that would be even better but I will take any picture of you holding the sign I can get, oh Arita how you would love coming to America, drinking my world famous Bukkake Brew, tossing a salad or two every day, riding down the freeway asses to the wind slappin monkey skins with your gumflaps, or filming me and Hot Karl in our newest movie.

Anyway, I anxiously await your picture. Do you want me to come pick you up? I would love to get this relationship started right, and what better way than to give you a bit of Bukkake Brew right there at the airport to start our courtship? That's how I started my courtship of my first wife, Oxsana, who met with an unfortunate plowing accident. Never run a plow nude during Bison mating season, that's a rule!

Phil McKraken

But apparently she did not read the emails, because...

RE: OMG how can I help!‏
From: ARITA JACK (aritajack@yahoo.com)
Sent: Mon 11/05/07 10:40 AM
To: Semore Butts (semorebutts.ido@hotmail.com)

All i need now is urgent help from you.Please send any thing to
Pastor John.O.Nwajagu
Addis Bible Center

God bless you. Arita

More scams and stuff tomorrow...

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