Essay

Today's My birthday!
But I'm still going to work
I guess I'm old

Essay Time

OK so I am getting my bachelor's degree in criminal justice from Kaplan University Online (Goooo Klansmen!), and I am currently enrolled in a critical thinking course. Our Unit 2 project was to write an essay that gives an argument we had taken a stance over. I would like to share with you my essay, although it only took me 10 minutes to come up with and write out, this is the kind of stuff that has in the past gotten A's from even the most stingy professors, and this is no exception:

We Should Kill Kittens

Picture this: you are at home, dozing comfortably in your favorite chair, a warm fire crackling happily while the television drones on in the background for the new fad ab-strengthening tool, the smells of the hearty dinner you finished earlier still lingering like an old friend. You’re in your socks, the ones your wife keeps trying to throw away but fit every contour of your feet like a mother holding a baby in her soft embrace, nurturing every curve and crevasse of your slightly misshapen appendage. A large mug of cocoa, the marshmallows just starting to melt, steams fragrantly at your side.

Boom! You hear it, the feral growl of a vicious kitten, intent on clawing your pant leg up and getting into your cocoa, it’s razor-plated tongue showing between the white blades of it’s teeth, innocent eyes hiding the turmoil and hellish intent of this evil beast. You try to ignore it, cringing inside as the little furry ball of Hades sharpens it’s talons of death on your Ethan Allen for the millionth time, trying to find the serenity of peaceful slumber, but you know it’s not to be. Too late you realize you are wearing the death robe, the one with all of the lingering pieces of yarn hanging off of it, and you try to hold completely still, hoping the foul beast will walk by without the attack you know is going to come; it has every since your wife let this wolf in sheep’s clothing into the house a month ago. How can she not see the terror this being is capable of? Why does she nurture it and allow it to take up your side of the bed, almost grinning at you as you try to lay on your side and not fall off the edge into the terrible, cold abyss that is the wooden floor, a chasm some 3 feet straight down?

You try to hold still, but a twitch from an old football injury gives it all away, it happens much too fast: the kitten, noticing the tassels waving teasingly in front of it, lunges like a lion protecting his pride, yet again completely missing and clawing into the soft flesh of your calf yet again, impossibly getting the same spot that was healing from the last time you dared walk past your bed, and at that moment, the white hot pain of it sinking both it’s claws and it’s strangely little mouth filled with hypodermic needles of Painicin© into your leg, you finally come to the conclusion any rational person would come to: all kittens must be killed.

How long are we going to stand by while this scourge of the living room lays siege to our quiet evenings, attacking our peace and quiet like an unstoppable rebel force, conquering all that is ours starting with our spot in the closet and moving into the bed, taking over our couches, chairs, computer keyboards and the like, before we realize we have a problem?

In conclusion, there is only one way to rid ourselves of this scourge: we must kill them before they kill us; it’s a matter of life and death. How would you respond?

For the record, I do not advocate killing kittens, I just thought it would be fun to take a completely indefensible position and argue for it. I would like to know what you all think of this, your opinions mean more to me than some silly teacher's.

OK that's done, on to business. I am a little late with the vote on McCool's and the Tylester's videos, I will get those out Monday, the winner will get lunch that Friday, possibly with a ride in the Escort (on my stick shift of love!) thrown in to be able to tell your grand kids you rode in the Escort and lived to tell the tale.

More tomorrow, my scams are filling up so I need to offload some more of them on you, and Monday I will relay Smeagol vs. Dad pt. III: Armageddon It (Def Leppard Roolz!)