Thursday, November 1, 2007

Baker's Dozen

A Tribute to a Legend (no crying, Haggard)

Wesley Willis Rules!
Probably not work safe though
"Shoot Me in the Ass"

Wesley WIllis was an awesome man. He was homeless, playing these 2 minute songs using an old yamaha keyboard outside some night club in Chicago, and a shock jock put him on the air, and that was it. He became wildly popular, with songs like "Cut the Mullet", "Rock Saddam Hussein's Ass" (My personal all time favorite), "Eat a Bulldog's Nasty Asshole" and "Suck a Caribou's Ass".... he was schizophrenic, and usually greeted people with a head butt. Fuck dude I am getting kind of misty eyed talking about it. His songs have brightened too many a dark day to pay him adequate homage... Rock on Chicago.

Baker vs. Scotty

So when I started here, the Tylester was in San Antonio, so it was just me and my manager here. I knew Tyler was going to be cool, though because he left a note for me at my desk "I wouldn't answer calls from 816-942-8433 or 913-530-xxxx." I would soon find out why.

Baker is a.....slow minded man who used to Janitize it up something fierce 4 years ago. He calls every person in the clerks office at least twice a day to tell every individual about how much tip money he got at the grocery store he works at part time since retiring here... how they should take him out bowling, lengthy synopsis on every movie he has seen recently (apparently he goes to all the new movies, could Brokeback Mountain have been one of them? I must research) and then annoy them with tales of random stuff until they hang up in disgust.

Scotty is the current janitor and he is a little slow too, he loves him some John Cena though, and never misses an opportunity to wave his hand in front of his face and go "Youuuu cannn't seeeee meeeee!" As well as mess with Tyler telling him random people are going to fire him and laughing at his own joke. Whenever he walks in Tyler starts playing "Scotty Doesn't Know" by Lustra, the one with Matt Damon (the actor, not the IT tech we all know) singing it, and it always gets a smile and a funny comment from Scotty, who never seems to tire of it.

Now that there is a backdrop, I must tell you about Baker then post Tyler's movie. You would not find it as funny as we do if you did not get the backstory, hence the long post.

Recently, I convinced or Tyler decided, I can't remember which, that when Baker calls Tyler would pick up the phone, start Scotty Doesn't Know if it was morning or Brass Monkey if it is afternoon, and put the phone in front of the speaker and play it until Baker hung up, timing him and keeping a spreadsheet with how long he sat there going "Tyler, hey Tyler, Tyler" over and over again. If TYler does not pick up, he gets a message from Baker in this format: "Hey Tyler, I just wanted you to know I made $XX dollars in tips today, I took a lot of groceries out there, hey you should drive out here and tip me Heh heh, I went and saw XXXXXX movie, it was great, I really liked it, [boring synopsis you could get from IMDB], hey we should get together and go bowling, let's talk you keep playing music, hey this is you [loud stuffed squeaky toy or animal sound] bye."

Scotty hates Baker, because they are both in love with the same woman, who takes them out on little dates bowling and the like, she is a great person I guess... there will definitely be stories on Scotty in the future, including when he found out what green M&Ms do and ate a bunch and walked up and down the hallway yelling "I so HOOOAANNNYYY!", or when I put "Me SO Horny" on his MP3 player, we have had some great times messing with him, and him messing with us... anyway, here is the link to Tyler's entry...

Tomorrow, one of my scams takes a very interesting turn, and more from Smeagol, who is in jail again.

No comments: