Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Smeagol, we love thee (pt. I)

Who wears the short shorts?

Bukkake Bob wears short shorts

I love those scammers

And lo came the day that the Stevester foolishly invited Smeagol along on a double date. One of my friends had told me this girl had a huge crush on me and wanted to go out to the movies or something, maybe it would turn into more, and I was feeling gracious so I asked Smeagol if he would like to double date. Let me set the stage here: I was in the chair, playing Guardian Heroes on the Sega Saturn (That friggin game rocked), my trusty bag of flaming hot Cheetos and Diet Pepsi that I purchased from the dirty ass corner store, the one with all the dirty ass negros hanging out in front with varying malt liquors, swaying drunkenly in the early morning breezes, the sun gently warming their unwashed faces, still half hung over from the festivities that had started the night before. I like how the Pepsi was almost always 2 days before the expiration date, yet the hot Cheetos were always fresh.

Anyway, I was playing the game, when the phone rings. Smeagol is over on the couch, wearing only his thong, he also had really bad gas because all we had to eat in the house besides whatever I brought home from Burger King was Kim Chi, which is fermented cabbage, and Smeagol had made a home in that and in some Taco Bell that he had purchased almost 2 weeks prior to that and insanely enough had hidden in his room from me, like I was going to steal it. Later on Smeagol and Mystery would hide a lot of food from me, or when they thought I was going to purchase dinner.

So the phone rings, and it is this gorl, I think her name was Kim. I didn't know, Smeagol picks up and instantly starts hitting on her, with Mystery sitting right next to him staring off into space, trying to perfect her headlock on the kitten she always carried.

"Oooh girl I would lick your tuna roll sloppy sideways until you creamed all over my faishshsh (I think he meant face but the teeth...) Smeagol was saying, gently rubbing his gnarly sack that was splayed out onto the couch that in all the time I lived there I never sat on unless I absolutely had to... he was getting nastier and nastier and Mystery never washed either so you could smell the spoiled milk scent of her unwashed anus all over the couch too.

After about 3 minutes of Smeagol telling this unknown caller all the things he could do with his claw and tongue, he reluctantly handed the phone to me. WTF?! I ask who it is and it's Kim, the girl I am speaking to for the first friggin time ever outside of those little high school notes she passed me through my friend. "Who was that, they are nasty!" She exclaimed. I wanted to tell her she did not know the half of it, but Smeagol was right behind me, the smell of BO, mad mudbutt, his sweaty balls and failure clouding my nostrils, his thong dangling in a most obscene way, just barely covering his sack, and it's hilarious, while I saw his balls quite often, I never saw the man pole, in all the time he let the nads flop... I know it sounds incredible, but I never (thank God) had to try to therapy out the sight of his mandingo.

I tell her I have Saturday off, and ask if she wants to go see a movie then. She agrees, we set a time and I hang up. Smeagol is standing there, clawing his own ass, probably looking for mites, he was always scratching his ass, I saw him do it at Burger King then make some hamburgers, luckily ones he later stole because they had been on the heat chute for too long. In all honesty, though I am glad I am with who I am with (I liked her more but she was taken at the time of this story) I could have seen myself with Kim, if not for that first date. I will get down to what happened tomorrow, but I wanted to get this started and post an update to the Benson Hunter Saga, which I am sure we all have come to know and love. Scammer's emails in black, mine in red, thoughts in blue. Let's get to it!

When we last left Benson Hunter (known from now on as Bukkake Bob), he had "a littel delay due to delinverng of parcel", whatever that means, here is my response to him:

RE: , Gerbiler Bob,‏
From: Philip McKraken (philip_mckraken@hotmail.com)
Sent: Mon 11/12/07 10:27 PM
To: Benson Hunter (

OK, that sounds good, I will go to Western Union on Thursday and send a money order for... how much was it again? It's kind of funny, I must go in disguise since I told my neighbor, Kraven Moorehead, that I am rich now he has been waiting for me to leave my trailer so he can rub Chicken McNuggets all over me, most exhilirating and yet the pleasures to be derived from this are somehow wrong. Thank you for using my code name, by the way. My boss suspects nothing, as I tell him it is a wrong address and therefore do not have to share the money (from here on known as "Funyons") with him like I had to share my sphincter pops.

I am sad that I cannot come to your orfice to receive my funyons, my Chicken McNuggets are getting blue from the waiting to fill the holes of some London ladies. How hard is it to send out winnings all the time and yet never take any yourself, Bukkake Bob? (If you remember, that is the code name we decided on for you). Do you ever get tempted to pocket the money? Let me know.

Pimps up, Hoes Dizzown

Philip McKraken, aka Gerbiler Bob

At this point, I am pretty sure I can say whatever I like, this guy is a moron, I can tell he is reading it but he never seems to catch on. His response:

Re: Gerbiler Bob‏
From: Benson Hunter (info.onthedotdeliveringcompany@yahoo.co.uk)
Sent: Fri 11/23/07 12:15 PM
To: Philip McKraken (philip_mckraken@hotmail.com)
Attn:Gerbiler Bob,

Thanks for your kindly responce,please you have to be very cleared that you are delaying the deliveeing of your parcel.

As soo you made the payment you are to forwared the courier the following payment information via email attachment.

1,A scan copy of the western union payment slip
2,Western Union Mtcn Numbers:
3,Sender Full Name:
4,Amount Sent:

As soon we received the comfirmation of the payment your winnings will be delivered to you without any further delay.

We are looking forwared to received the payment from you today.

Bukkake Bob

OK so I got him to use the code name. You would think any moron with an internet connection would look up the word Bukkake, apparently the internet cafe charges by the correctly spelled word or something... anyway:

RE: Gerbiler Bob‏
From: Philip McKraken (philip_mckraken@hotmail.com)
Sent: Fri 11/23/07 7:39 PM
To: Benson Hunter (info.onthedotdeliveringcompany@yahoo.co.uk)

Bukkake Bob.

Perhaps you did not read my earlier email, when I said I would not be able to get the information you requested until Monday, as Hot Karl is out visiting his family. I made the payment days ago, I forgot to get the control number. I will get the information from him on Monday when he gets back from the swamps where his family lives, and not a silly second sooner!

Look, Bukkake Bob, I like you. A lot. Before he left for the swamps, Hot Karl made a few requests of me: one, to shave my sack because his chin was getting rugburn, and two to get a picture of our new friend Bukkake Bob. I think it is only fair since we are paying all of this money for a lottery we did not enter that the least you can do is to send along a little picture of yourself. How about it, Bukkake? Maybe get a picture with your name on it, it would be worth another Western Union transfer of a 10 spot or something to you personally. If you get a picture taken holding a sign saying "I am Bukkake Bob" I will send you 15 dollars. Let me know if this is acceptable. I will get the transfer numbers for the 1500 dollars to you Monday, American time.

Gerbiler Bob

I think since this has gone on for a month that a picture for a 10 spot is totally reasonable, though I do not intend to ever pay it. I will post his response, and then in tomorrow's I will update the Arita Jack story and a few other choice tidbits I have gotten from scammers:

To Mr. Gerbiler Bob‏
From: Benson Hunter (info.onthedotdeliveringcompany@yahoo.co.uk)
Sent: Mon 11/26/07 5:14 AM
To: Philip McKraken (philip_mckraken@hotmail.com)
Attn: Mr.Bukkake Bob

How was your weekend with your family?This is to kindly inform you that the courier company are still awaiting the confirmation of the payment today monday.you are advised to send down the scan copy of the payment information via email attachment so that our accounting department can have proper record of the money paid by you the beneficiary of the parcel to be delivered to you.

As soon we received the payment today the courier company will commence with the delivering of your parcel without any further delay.

We are looking forwared to hear from you very soon.

Bukkake Bob

I think I love Bukkake Bob, he is so stupid, but I do not want to scare him away... tell me have any of you checked out http://www.ebolamonkeyman.com ? Do you think this is a good enough tale to post on there? I want to share this with the world, ya'll...

More tomorrow

1 comment:

This Haggard Machine said...

I think if you got an actual photo out of the guy or something even greater (if that's possible), it might be worthy of submitting to ebolamonkeyman, definately!