Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Bath Time!

A road less travelled,
crisp leaves, autumn air, bright sun
guitar hero time!

So a lot of people ask me, "Stevester what is the deal with your family and bathing?" or "Stevester take your finger out of there I'll get another yeast infection!", but for political correctness and because of impending legal actions, I will deal with the first question.

JJ does not bathe very often, not because he enjoys being smelly, but because he is usually so high he does not realize he is human, probably assuming he is a butterfly or something fluttering around. It's strange, because when we were both young bachelors, I had a job, a car, was on varsity football, and bathed every day and the only reason girls would talk to me was to get JJ's number, and I have on more than one occasion seen him go up to some girl and stick his hand under her skirt and let ker know he had no job or aspirations and hadn't had a bath and lived with his mom and still get her number and promises of blowjobs and butt pleasures, 2 things I am still waiting to experience. I'm not cockblocking or hatin' though, he does pretty well for all that and it works for him.

My mom bathes regularly, now, but during the "Mystical Retard" era, she went through these, as I like to call them, "Phases of Crazy", where she would act a certain way for awhile and then completely change, usually during another hurried bout of crack smoking under the basement steps, hating herself but not being able to escape the sweet siren call of the crack pipe.

During her "Conservation" stage in her rollercoaster ride of absolute insanity, she would tell me regularly that she could take an entire bath with a half galon of water, which she kept in a small container in the fucking tub. This may or may not sound completely insane to you, but Mom got free water at those apartments, which I informed her of. She then regaled me with the tale of how every tme she took a normal bath, she could feel the river getting lower, because it was all so spiritual and did I have 20 spiritual dollars she could borrow right quick. I always imagined (thank Jehovah I never saw) her hunched over like those native Africaans you see on the Discovery Channel, washing out of this bucket, grunting loudly to state her displeasure at how everyone else is wasting water, maybe farting loudly and giggling softly as it reverberated off of the claw foot tub walls...

And lastly, Smeagol. The whole point to this post, Smeagol. I once wondered aloud why he did not bathe in the tub like human folk, was it because he was afraid of being sucked down the drain? Was it because he feared falling asleep with his mouth open, giving his last few teeth the perfect opportunity to escape like the rest of them had? Was it because the Cloak of Failure he constantly wore had a +4 water resistance trait? Or was it because his bikini thong would wash down the drain, killing the fish supply and whoever touched it?

"No niggie, I wash with shaving cream when I need to get shexshy for the ladiesh (He was kind of slurring his "s" at that point)!" Apparently, when Smeagol needed to wash up because someone had complained, the raw fish were being tipped off by his scent, or I was bringing a girl home (he always assumed he could pull off what JJ could), he would fill the tiny sink BY THE FUCKING TUB up with hot water, get 2 dollops of shaving cream, and wash his armpits and face, leaving the rest of his body ensconced in glorious filth, chunky, cheese sexmilk and shit from the very loud bouts of buttsex he enjoyed with Mystery while I was right next to the room trying to play my Playstation, raw fish odor, and the horrid stench of failure that escaped every time his thong billowed out, much like huffing some glue, making everyone either high or puke.

Like I said my mom bathes normally now, JJ does too for the most part, and yet Smeagol still buys 2 or 3 things of shaving cream a payday...

More on scams tomorrow, but maybe not, I might write on my dad again.

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