"I ran, ran so far away!"
It beats Culture Club
Smeagol Vs. Dad, pt. I
So the year was 1989, we were living on 4114 Holmes, which was literally 3 blocks from where that same year Robert Berdella was torturing and murdering his gay lovers at his home on 3926 Campbell. The showdown was imminent: Smeagol, who was young and fast and had the same attitude that would later in life get him knocked out by an old man, and my dad, who had not been ravaged by the crack pipe yet and was 300 pounds of hair and anger.
No one remembers what the argument was over, but we all remember how the spirited bout of fisticuffs began, gather round, listen up.
Dad had just told Smeagol that "he was the boss, and if you don't like it you can kiss my ass", and had settled on the couch to think about how he was going to be so much of a failure later in life. All of a sudden Smeagol comes running out of the kitchen, and, not missing a beat, drives his fist right into my dad's face. The fight was on, Dad picked SMeagol up and smashed him against the fireplace, Smeagol punched my dad in the balls, they rolled around on the floor for a few seconds, and Smeagol moved out that day. First fight, Dad 1, Smeagol 0. I will tell parts 2 and 3 in this series Monday.
So the last time we spoke with Benson Hunter, AKA Bukkake Bob, he told me to fly out to London and bring 1500 dollars with me to get my check after my completely ridiculous email. As always, scammer's emails will be in black, my replies in red, my thoughts in blue:
From Onthedot Delivering Company To Mr.Gerbiler Bob
From: Benson Hunter (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Sent: Thu 11/01/07 5:18 AM
To: Philip McKraken (email@example.com)
SPINHIPING DEPARTMENTINFORMATION/LOGISTICS DEPARTMENT
Att. Philip McKraken,
Your email has been recieved today in our Shipping/Logistics department of onthedot courier service,this is to comfirm that we are in receipt of your prompt responce to our email and it was well noted in the courier department.
In regard to the options sent to us the courier department would advised you to come over to london your self and claim your parcel from us, but it would be better for you to pay for the cost of delivering because it would cost you more money for you to arrival london to claim your parcel moreover you are to come with the sum of 1,500 pounds because we are brocasting you live on two televion channel. Why the fuck would I pay to be put on TV?
Please you are to pick from the parcel delivering invoic so that we can see how to help you deliver your consignment without any further delay because your parcel are due for delivering.
Note:That you are to proved the courier the exate time you will be at home so that we can make the delivering at that time because we dont give are parcel to a family members or freind due to the content of the parcel hence you are to signed a document.
Please save this document as it contains important information about your parcel at ON THE DOT COURIER/FREIGHT SERVICE LTD.
Your Reg. Order No: SH231282. Parcel description and delivery information.We assume all responsibilities in case of eventuality. Oh, well THAT'S good...
All orders not delivered within seven (7) working days from this communication will be returned. Please ensure that you confirm your delivery address.
Do note, that your check has been signed and parcelled ready for delivery.
Once you confirm your acceptance of the conditions aforementioned! The Modalities and how to make your payment will be sent to you.
With Best Regards
I like how once I mentioned modalities and consignments and shit he started calling it the same thing, what an unimaginative retard. Let's have some fun, shall we? By the way, he resent this email the next day with the heading: Last email from courier service", like I had better hurry up or something...
RE: LAST MAIL FROM THE COURIER SERVICE
From: Philip McKraken (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Sent: Sat 11/03/07 7:32 PM
To: Benson Hunter (email@example.com)
I believe I will come to London, I have som vacation time coming up soon... I am sorry it took so long to write back, I did a show at this bar called Buddies with Hot Karl, and we had to use Vaseline, bananas, a donkey, duct tape, a car battery, nipple cream (to prevent lactating) and a toilet brush, although I made a lot of money I am completely exhausted. I plan on bringin 5000 dollars with me, as well as the thong I wore at the show last evening. Is there anything else I need to bring? Let me know.
Your bud, Philip McKraken, Duke of Chutney, OBGYN, DDS, MD
PS - Hot Karl wanted me to send along his picture, would it be possible for you to send your picture? I will be making arrangements for my flight Monday, where should I come to? Heathrow? Can you set up hotel accomodations for me so we can work out the modalities? Also please set up some hot ladies for our... entertainment. I await your urgent response.
By the way, yes that is a dude, and no I did not remove the little web tag at the bottom (I'm lazy). Jesus I am getting sick just looking at this. He does, however, write back after this picture...Fuck.
Anyway. more on Monday.