Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Smeagol, we love thee (finale)

A tight leather skirt
How could that be disgusting?
When it leaks mayo

The Date

Well the day finally comes, and I am fresh and dressed like a million bucks. I knock on the door to Smeagol's Cavern of Failure, and he walks out, the smell of unwashed ass barely covered by cheap cologne, his signature Christmas sweater on over his super sexy stone washed jeans, and I briefly wonder if he knows it's August, and think better of it, since the more Smeagol is covered, the better life is.

I notice Mystery is in the bathroon, walking on clothes in the tub, which is how they washed clothes, by putting them in the tub, filling it with water and pouring either dish soap or detergent on them and walking all over them until the water is appropriately gray, then rinsing them off anf hanging them over the tub until they are nice and crusty. Great success!

I ask if she is going to get ready any time soon, and Smeagol informs me he is going to pick up some lucky lady at the theatre, and for a fleeting moment I am disgusted with him, how could you do that to your own wife? Then I realize how ugly Mystery is and how her breath and cooch stench would have messed up the moviegoing experience and was instantly greateful to the Smeags.

We go to pick Kim up, and as soon as Smeagol sees her, he starts in:

"MMMmmmmmm guuuuuurrrrllll, I'd lick your tuna taco until all the salsa was gone!"
That's the only thing he said that I actually remember, but he was saying stuff like that throughout the night, regaling her with information like he didn't mind eating period, he liked getting a face full of fart, he just loved munching away on twat. I probably could have stopped him, but at this point other than throwing herself out of the car she had no escape so why bother?

We get to Ward Parkway, and head in to see the flick, which was Cruel Intentions. Great movie if it was just me and Kim, not so great with Smeagol raptoring up the popcorn I gave him, his legs up on the chair like he had no sense, at least he had pants on and was not thonging it up. He also lied about his date that was going to meet him there, saying nothing about it the rest of the way to the theater, and sat on the other side of Kim, presumably to hit on her while I wasn't looking. She must have really liked me because she beared with him for the entire date, not once pushing him away in disgust or informing him he looked like a raptor with a bad perm.

We get through the movie, and are going to go eat at Perkins. We get into the car, and Smeagol, exhausted from sitting up in the theater that whole time, curls up in the back seat, telling us to try to keep it down and to wake him up whan it's time for him to eat, which he informs me I will be paying for because he forgot his wallet. Then he starts snoring in the back seat, little moans of either pleasure or pain emenating from the dense fog he ass was creating in the tiny compartment of the car, causing us to turn the ac off and roll down the windows even though it was 90 fucking degrees outside.

We get to Perkins, and I spend about 15 seconds trying to shake Smeagol awake without gagging, and we go in. Of course Smeagol sit's by Kim, forcing me to sit across from her, which is awesome. His hair looks absolutely horrible, even for him. Think Don King only with a raptor face, or Falsa Doom from Conan when he started turning into a snake, but not as handsome and with a Don King hairdo on his head. His breath is so bad my eyes are starting to water, and he is doind that annoyed grunt thing he does because I dared wake him up from his 45 minute slumber... poor baby! Of course since it is on Stevester's tab he orders a steak and shrimp plate, changing my menu order to a water and bread, and spends almost a full minute telling the waitress exactly how he wants his steak cooked... I give Kim a look that tells her unlike Smeagol if she orders that she is putting out in the car and at home, so she orders like a salad or something.

So we sit there, disgusted, as Smeagol grunts and slurps his food down, completely oblivious to the rest of society sitting in close proximity, telling us how he has not eaten for a few days, how many asses he has to wipe and various stories about festering bed sores and different colored diarrheas in people's diapers, not stopping until I get Kim home, and then sleeping in my car on the way back to our house. I fucking leave him asleep in the car, hoping someone will try to steal the car but realizing with a raptor in the front seat no one will.

Tomorrow: Either the first "Foolish Man" story, or a scam, not sure which.