steveshaikus: .....

Monday, November 19, 2007

.....

Come on steveshaikus
work your therapeutic charm
Brown bear's not happy

Assorted shit.

So I got my second stripe on my black belt Saturday, I am now a Nidan, which is I guess pretty cool. The test was different, Instead of the traditional go through all of the katas one by one and do the bunkais (practical applications) for each, I think I personally did 3 katas, no bunkais, and then Hanshi (our grand master) had each of us turn our back, and gave the other two testing students instructions on a variety of ways to attack me, to see what I would do in an unscripted situation. I really liked that part, because I was able to completely clear my head, stop thinking, and just let my hands and feet do the talking. It is one of the first times I felt like karate would help out in a real situation, though I still felt kind of cheated because I practice all of my katas, had I known I would only do like 3 I would have not bothered practicing.

My sister's wedding was yesterday, and it was a medieval affair, man there were a lot of unleashed sweater puppies, some on the ladies too. I found out when I go there I was supposed to walk her down the aisle, which is great because I had not rehearsed it yet. After the service, she asks me how it could be that the two of us made it out alive. I just smiled and looked away, but then it got me thinking... how is it that we were all raised in the same house, yet turned out so different? How did Smeagol become a complete and total failure, taking joy in ekeing out a life on the fringes of civilization, shunning a world so cruel? How did JJ turn to gangbanging, in all senses of the word, and dealing drugs across the hallway to my dad?

Anyway, I figured since I have been so busy I would roll out some scams, but I think those will keep until tomorrow, like the haiku says I am not in the best of moods this morning. Smeagol left in the dead of the night, after stopping my parents toilet up one last time and taking about a weeks' worth of groceries with him. What an asswipe. I kinda thought he might do that, since he was apparently talking a lot of smack in the days leading up to the showdown, but no one guessed he would raptor all their food on his way back to his cave.

More tomorrow.

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The Lexicon

1. Cameltoe of Destruction - A cameltoe so massive and flagrant it can consume your will to live.

2. Turn-by-turn directions - When some moron explains so much that you could completely retrace their steps/ thoughts/ bowel movements in the event there is ever a trial over that

3. Churning brown butter - Taking a dump, droppin' a deuce, chucking some queef dirt, machine gunning the dirt pellets... etc.

4. Consuming a kitten's soul - a human so evil that only Jesus can look them in the eye, and when he does he gets ED for a month...

5. A cobra eating a clown - besides the new design for my hood, the most awesome brand on the planet. Copyright that, bitches!

6. National Geographin' it up - when you imitate the native peoples on National Geographic and screw someone, usually doggystyle, in front of other people with no sense of decency or desire to stop. Coined by me to describe JJ.

7. Anal Bifeda - Kind of like spinal bifeda, but it makes you act like a mule's sagging asshole all the time. Or you can just attempt to engage Greyskull in conversation and see this disease in action.

8. Queef-mud - What starts out as an innocent little queef but turns into full blown diahrrea. Can strangely enough be applied to men if they are completely innocently trying to fart in someone's face and shit all over the bed.

9. "Yoooouuuuu Llllllliiiiigggeeetttt Steve!" - (I will be glad to vocalize upon request) What Janet was saying to my dad while he desperately tried to hit both sides of her monkey hole that had been spread by the plunging of numerous cocks earlier that day. Also used as an insult to anyone named Steve.

10. Booty Ass Overtime - not just overtime, but when you work so much overtime you fall asleep while sitting on the toilet having a tinkle, or don't have the time to tinkle so let your own bodily fluids mix and meld with whatever is all over your shirt any damn way.

11. Shitdick - A condition that can only come about from a spirited round of butt-lovin'. When your loving partner cannot hold in his/ her chocolate thunder but likes your anal plunging so much they try to let a little dust off the crap and end up lubing your meatstick and lower belly with hershey dark 'n chunky.

12. Lip it - when you take the head of your cock and rub it around the rim of a cup before handing it to someone. It's funnier if you are circumcised because there is that little oily spot right behind the cap that really stinks if you don't wash it right and that smell will not come out of someone's mouth.

13. Shiznitobam-slip-slap-Sally - The freshest of the fresh, the illest of the ill, the deffest of the def, now all you cat's chill. I made that up.

14. KC Dirt track - When you teabag a girl (or boy) backwards, and you blow ass right up their nose and all over their upper face, leaving a fine spray of shit and dingleberries for all to see.

15. fearfarts - Those real smelly farts you had been trying to hold in, like when hot chicks (or dudes, depending) are in too close proximity to cropdust, and something scares the living fucking shit out of you, causing you to machine gun these nasty ass farts uncontrollably into your pants, and they are the loudest farts you have ever laid. Great at parties.

16. Modalities of the consignment - Anyone who utters this phrase or uses the word "modalities" or "consignment" in it is a scammer. please forward them on to me accordingly.

17. The Stevester Layup - A basketball move that starts with a 280 pound man running right at you, double dribbling in the process, and leading in for the layup with his knee, often striking you in the chest with much brunt force. Not liked by judges.

18. Teleworketing - not mine, I'm afraid, said by a manager at an 8 hour meeting, to describe someone who is, I assume, a telemarketer who is working from home docketing a pro se case? You be the judge.

19. Toilet Shopping - when you go to a floor you in reality have no business on with the express purpose of taking a dump. Awkward when you get caught, or if the lights are motion detected and turn off and someone walks in there thinking no one is in there because it's dark and then tries to talk to you while you shit.

20. Raptor stomping - When you are so angry you want to stomp, but everything hurts your feet, including carpet, so you walk gingerly, raptor style, but you swing your feet down as hard as you can until you almost make contact and then gingerly tap your piddy on the carpet. I will be happy to demonstrate so you can all visualize.

21. sleepulence - those long, drawn out quiet farts you get when you are either asleep, or do not have the power to push out (aka Smeagol). Known to be so potent they can take a layer of varnish off of a house, even if there is no varnish on there to begin with.

steveshaikus

Monday, November 19, 2007

.....

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