Monday, September 10, 2007

Space Criminals

Ham flavored yogurt
Tyler yearns for your debut
yogurt just turned cool

The Final Frontier

OK so this is not so much a story but a (I promise rare) political post. I have a petition of 3 people so far (including me, my dog and a homeless man that accepted a completely non-obligatory donation before signing), but many more to follow, to sign into law the following idea.

America's prison population is overflowing. Even with letting minor offences go, we are still way over capacity with criminals who will never see the light of day or be able to sleep on their stomachs again. When their sentence finally is up, if it is not life or execution, these poor chaps have the daunting and nigh impossible task of reintegrating with society.

On another note, we need astronauts to fly to Mars and beyond, but do not have enough money or people willing to attempt to endure the 6 month voyage each way. There are also theories that there are solid cores in the gas planets.

Hear me out now, hear me out: Convicts are every bit, and possibly more physically fit than astronauts. They are also resourceful, being able to make a shank out of a banana peel and their own feces. They also enjoy botany and figuring out complex equations. This is all well known. We should all sign a petition to get some candidate to put forth the idea that our first forays at making a biodome or some other kind of controlled living environment in space should be attempted by criminals. Look how well this theory has worked so far. Europe sent their criminals and the banished to the American colonies, and look at us now. Everyone sent their criminals to Australia, and any place that has Crocodile Dundee calling it his native land can't be all that bad, so in that same vein this should be completely safe and awesome, and if something on the ship malfunctions, well they were going to die anyway, so who cares?! Also if this is passed I will have to kill someone in order to go myself, because that would be awesome. I might start a petition, what do ya'll think?

That would allow us to 1) clear out some of these prisons where they have draconian life sentences, 2) test the reusability of some spacecraft, and get lots of good television ratings off of the obligatory reality shows. Licensed soap-on-a-rope, toy shanks, coveralls that are licensed, who would not go for that?

I pitched the idea to my older brother, who fell asleep pretty much while I was talking. At first I was crushed, until I realized he falls asleep doing everything (he likes to tell us how he falls asleep on the toilet while "taking a tinkle") from all of the booty ass overtime he is working. He now sleeps with his mouth open, so you can smell his shit breath from eating canned Kim Chi and month old taco bell all the time (really). When I lived with him he would get paid, buy 30- 40 dollars worth of Taco Bell, a jug's worth of Skittles, and then proclaim he was broke so we were on our own as far as food goes. Anyway, more on this and other things tomorrow.


Anonymous said...

I have always argued with my friends that all convicted criminals be stuck in the military.

Stevester said...

yeah but then we would have to offer amnesty if they served with valor. Here we can just be all like "My God, it's coming right for us!" and blow their spaceship out of the sky

pinkpenguins said...

I totally agree that we should use them for shit we don't want to do. Why not, right?

Stevester said...

right and if we send them to space they can start up a new colony for us, or just rape each other mercilessly over and over again. Either way, great TV!