Thursday, September 13, 2007

How dumb are you?!

Ah, Sir Mix-a-lot
Why's your posse on broadway?
Looking for big butts?

Holy Hell

Alright so it is winter, I had started working at the Burger King on Troost and going to school in a bid to better myself and not be home and also to eat because at that point I was down to 180 pounds from a healthy 250, and 180 does not look good on me (I have a picture, I look like a small-cocked gay porn star). It was payday, which means I was expected to get food and shit for everyone. My older brother was off working some "booty ass overtime, bitch niggie" as he was so fond of putting it, and I was stuck at home with Mister-E, as I like to call her. It was about 85 degrees in the house, because my older brother had a snake (that tried to eat him at least once a week) and because he is always cold, just like my mom he has to have at least 2 blankets, even in the summer.

So anyway it is the middle of November, it is fucking cold outside, and a light snow is falling. I decide to run down and get my paycheck and cash it, maybe find something to do. Mystery is excited too, as she assumes if I am going to do something I have to involve her. Time and experience will show that this is never going to be the case, but I digress. I decide to walk instead of taking my car, because taking the car means Mystery will try to go along and there is no way to pick up chicks with something like that stinking your ride up.

"Mystery,' I start, ' I am going to run down and get my check and then drop you off (with my brother). Wait inside and I will be back." This is very important to remember. We only had one set of keys at that point and my brother had them. I took off, in pretty decent shape, and jogged the mile to the BK and got my check and cashed it. I am running back up the street, intent on giving them some bill money and then disappearing for awhile, and I see her standing on the porch, in only her leggings and a tiny button down sweater, looking like an idiot hopping from bare foot to bare foot, almost tripping over our ghetto refridgerator (My brother sold our fridge and so in order to keep milk and shit we had to keep it all in a modified cardboard box on the porch. Fucking ghetto). I slow down and walk the rest of the way, knowing what is going to happen, and I ask her when I get there: "Hey, why are you standing outside?"

M: "Well, I just thought you were taking a long time and so I stood outside and I locked the door and I can't get back in!"

Me: (Looking at the front window, which is open enough to crawl back inside the house) "Why didn't you crawl in?"

M: "Because the cat got out!"

Me: WTF??

I mean, the front "window" was actually a couple of yellowed shattered pieces of plastic taped on to create a phalanx to keep wind out... a well placed fart would have taken the whole thing down! And here she is, looking at me like it's my fault, hopping around Mystery. This would not be the last time she would do somethng like this, and it gave me no end of joy to hear my older brother berate her because she always wanted to map out how long he was going to be gone, and if we were late getting back she would wait outside or try to set fire to the house and sit on the couch. More tomorrow.

No comments: