Tuesday, September 11, 2007

The balls are taking the breeze

I love the autumn
clear, crisp, cool, the leaves drift down
and no more ass sweat!

Friggin Gross!

My older brother, as I've described before, is a pretty nasty looking specimen, which is sad because he used to be pretty active in the K-Rat himself, muscular and could get some decent looking ladies, though why he wanted the ugs all the time I will never know.

His wardrobe consists of Fubu jerseys that would be baggy on me, stonewashed highwater jeans, "Christmas sweaters" from the 1980s, you know the kind, hospital scrubs, and bikini underwear that are usually 2-3 sizes too big on him. I am not sure why he did that, surely they made a pair of bikini underwears that fit him?

He would sit on the couch, in nothing but these underoos, and let his ass juice eap into the cushions, his fragrant flatulence filling the entire downstairs (which is why even though there was no heat in the upstairs room (It was more of a large walk in closet than a room) I chose to live up there, in order to escape the funk) area with his weak ass slightly-louder-than-SBD farts, eating either slices of old ass overripe tomatoes in a bowl of ranch sauce or kim chi straight from the jar. (note: I see no problem with eating Kim Chi, but when your breath already smels of 10 unwashed asses, why tempt it?)

One of the great stories is from when he recently started living in my mom's house. He was sitting on the couch, allowing the soft breeze to cool his pretty much uncovered genitalia and blow his horrid ass scent around the room (not much of a bather, that one). I guess he decided it was time for one of his daily naps, and curled up like a cockroach under a blanket to catch a short 6 hour nap. He is small enough he does not make much of a lump under the blankets on the couch, nay, he is small enough he can fit between the cushions and the back of the couch, in the "change chasm", where all your change and McDonald's French fries go when they die, I guess. J's girl walked in, not knowing where he was, and sat on my older brother's face. He woke up and hopped up talking about having to work all that booty ass overtime, and then realized a girl was sitting on his face. At this point, C (J's girl) was trying to wipe the scent of his foul breath off of the back of her pants. It was then, my little brother recounted, that he said the funniest line I have heard him say. It was not the first time, and it would NOT be the last:

"Giiiiirrrll, I'd like to slip slop slather yo' tuna sassafras six ways to sunday" or something very similar to that, there is a lot of whistling when he tries to say the letter "S". The horrified look on her face turned even worse, I imagine, when he let the blanket fall away to reveal his ill fitting bikini underwear, the smell of unwashed balls penetrating her nostrils as I would assume she stood there transfixed by his manliness.

My little brother regaled me with tales of how my older brother is making life hell for them in their new home. Apparently my older brother has been clogging the toilets up at night (hey maybe that's why mu uncle was hanging his crap out the window) with his foul shit and then just leaving it until morning, actually walking PAST the plunger to go back to bed. He also has a nasty habit of being broke on payday, within hours of getting his check, and yet complaining that whatever food is being served is not "really what I like to nibble on" before taking a heaping plate and leaving scraps for everyone else.

The food has always been a problem with my older brother (R from now on). When I lived with him when I bought groceries they went in the fridge, when he bought groceries ( which is what he called the Skittles and Taco Bell) they went in his room, to be guarded by Mystery and the poor cat she carried around like a football, being forced to inhale her sweaty hairy armpit juice.

Ah, there is so much more I want to put down, it is hard not coming up with 2 or 3 stories a day...especially since I am always behind because the saga continues today (there was a family meeting yesterday about who was eating all the food and then just leaving the containers in the fridge, also on why no one pays any rent or bills, I heard there was a small brawl)

1 comment:

Sachi said...

Interesting to know.