Monday, September 17, 2007

Cajun - style pork chops

Singing telegrams

Just like a good hard nut punch

but in a nice way

My Brother's Wife (part 3829485278349.3)

So one night, I was at the BK working my anus off. It was snowing like a bitch, yet inexplicably people were still coming through drive thru and complaining because it was cold and we should move faster so they did not have to let the snow into their cars. I was watching out the back as a few cars slid right past the drive thru, then after joining the line would complain because we had not salted to their satisfaction. NO ONE else was on North Oak, it looked like a fucking ghost town except for Burger King... WTF?! Anyway, it was me, my soon-to-be-wife, and Haggard working, and only us that night. My older brother shows up to take me home, but since I was closing by myself he sat out in the lobby and hit on anyone who made eye contact, probably including Haggard.

Anyway, it was almost 1:30 when I got completely done, so we got in the car and left. On the ride home, my brother told me that he had gone actually grocery shopping and gotten some pork chops and vegetables and stuff, so for at least one night I did not have to eat Burger King food. "Awesome!" I thought to myself, but my spirits quickly fell as he told me that he had left them cooking and he hoped Mystery had taken them out of the oven. I was glad I had taken some chicken tenders home.

We get to the house, and it looks funny through the front window, like someone is smoking a couple of joints at once. My brother runs in the front door, and smoke eaps out into the freezing night. I walk in too and as the room clears we see Mystery on the couch, calmly flipping channels on the television behind us on the far end of the room. I have no idea why she was doing this because I was between her and the TV and I could not see the television that well, so what the hell was she looking at?

My brother is cursing at the top of his lungs, but he sounds like an 8 year old girl so it was not all that loud or menacing, kind of like getting carjacked by a couple of kittens: sure, in theory it's possible, but for some reason you can't quite put your finger on something's not right.

R: "What the fuck is wrong with you you moron!"
Mystery: "I don't know all of a sudden smoke came out and I could not see the TV!"
Me: (standing there, completely dumbfounded, speechless)
The Kitten: (Being choked to death in a headlock by Mystery)
R: "Well did you think to take the pork chops out of the oven?!" (let it be known he is standing in the kitchen holding the still smoking black pork chops in his hand, the smoke still finally dissipating)
Mystery: (looking right at him and the pork chops she very obviously did not take out of the oven) "Yes I took them out, and then there was a bunch of smoke!"

I think at that moment my older brother died a little on the inside, the last vestiges of a normal human being finally being overcome by the sheer military might of Mystery's stifling idiocy, like the feeling a prison bitch must get the first time his carefully guarded anus has finally been violated for the first time: Disgust, more in himself than in anyone else, a little relief, that it has finally happened and maybe no one will expect much else from him from now on, and in my brother's case, maybe a little sadistic pleasure, that now he can annoy others much as his wife does, and not only by virtue of his hideous face or the fact that 8 times out of 10 he has either shit or piss or a delicious combination of the two on his shirt.

This was also the first time someone suggested I get all of this down for posterity, and I believe it was Haggard, informing me I should "Start up a sitcom or something", though who would insult himself enough to play either my older brother or Mystery I will never know.


This Haggard Machine said...

That one almost got a tear out of me, I felt somewhat nostalgic, yet, glad it was all over, at the same time.

Stevester said...

Oh yeah you remember this story it happened not long after you became manager, R was pissed like 2 days later! It also ushered in the new era when he started bringing Mystery to work with him and letting her stink up the lobby for hours at a time... not cool.

This Haggard Machine said...

People used to come to the counter and ask if she was lost / okay / drunk / high / homeless and comment on the confused and distant look in her eyes, i assured them she was perfectly fine (as perfectly fine as she could have been, anyway). still, maybe a little of all of those applied...

When i lived in California, before I moved her and met you all, I used to go to a record store in my area, and they had this really wild freaky looking cat there. i used to ask them about it and they told me it had lived in the store for years. the employees used to smoke weed in the break room or take acid, and they would share it with this cat...

...Mystery had that exact same look in her eyes, as this cat. so i always pictured Mystery as a little kid, her fucked up family and friends blowing wered in her face or giving her other drugs. Or maybe she was a stupid little kid who used to wander around the house picking up mommy and daddy's candy and swallowing it all...

In my weird mind, this can be the only explanation.

Stevester said...

and it is a good explanation, though I think I may still do a little investigative reporting since for some reason I have a great repore (repertoire? report?) with her mom...