Just like a good hard nut punch
but in a nice way
My Brother's Wife (part 3829485278349.3)
So one night, I was at the BK working my anus off. It was snowing like a bitch, yet inexplicably people were still coming through drive thru and complaining because it was cold and we should move faster so they did not have to let the snow into their cars. I was watching out the back as a few cars slid right past the drive thru, then after joining the line would complain because we had not salted to their satisfaction. NO ONE else was on North Oak, it looked like a fucking ghost town except for Burger King... WTF?! Anyway, it was me, my soon-to-be-wife, and Haggard working, and only us that night. My older brother shows up to take me home, but since I was closing by myself he sat out in the lobby and hit on anyone who made eye contact, probably including Haggard.
Anyway, it was almost 1:30 when I got completely done, so we got in the car and left. On the ride home, my brother told me that he had gone actually grocery shopping and gotten some pork chops and vegetables and stuff, so for at least one night I did not have to eat Burger King food. "Awesome!" I thought to myself, but my spirits quickly fell as he told me that he had left them cooking and he hoped Mystery had taken them out of the oven. I was glad I had taken some chicken tenders home.
We get to the house, and it looks funny through the front window, like someone is smoking a couple of joints at once. My brother runs in the front door, and smoke eaps out into the freezing night. I walk in too and as the room clears we see Mystery on the couch, calmly flipping channels on the television behind us on the far end of the room. I have no idea why she was doing this because I was between her and the TV and I could not see the television that well, so what the hell was she looking at?
My brother is cursing at the top of his lungs, but he sounds like an 8 year old girl so it was not all that loud or menacing, kind of like getting carjacked by a couple of kittens: sure, in theory it's possible, but for some reason you can't quite put your finger on something's not right.
R: "What the fuck is wrong with you you moron!"
Mystery: "I don't know all of a sudden smoke came out and I could not see the TV!"
Me: (standing there, completely dumbfounded, speechless)
The Kitten: (Being choked to death in a headlock by Mystery)
R: "Well did you think to take the pork chops out of the oven?!" (let it be known he is standing in the kitchen holding the still smoking black pork chops in his hand, the smoke still finally dissipating)
Mystery: (looking right at him and the pork chops she very obviously did not take out of the oven) "Yes I took them out, and then there was a bunch of smoke!"
I think at that moment my older brother died a little on the inside, the last vestiges of a normal human being finally being overcome by the sheer military might of Mystery's stifling idiocy, like the feeling a prison bitch must get the first time his carefully guarded anus has finally been violated for the first time: Disgust, more in himself than in anyone else, a little relief, that it has finally happened and maybe no one will expect much else from him from now on, and in my brother's case, maybe a little sadistic pleasure, that now he can annoy others much as his wife does, and not only by virtue of his hideous face or the fact that 8 times out of 10 he has either shit or piss or a delicious combination of the two on his shirt.
This was also the first time someone suggested I get all of this down for posterity, and I believe it was Haggard, informing me I should "Start up a sitcom or something", though who would insult himself enough to play either my older brother or Mystery I will never know.