Wednesday, September 26, 2007

The Dildoman Can

Who makes the sun shine?
vibrating dual head dildos
The dildo man can!

(Sang to the song "The candyman can")

My Dad stole a dildo

So after the multitude of ghetto gas stations refused to hire my dad on after his numerous firings, he got a job making boxes for different lines of products, including adult toys of various kinds. Jeff was ecstatic, he reminisced about the pocket pussy he got whilst in jail a few years back, and then told us that he still had it if one of us wanted to try it out, causing everyone to look at Smeagol, sitting on the sofa grunting while watching television, a bowl of ranch dressing with overripe tomatoes floating in it in front of him, mercifully hiding his saggy balls and asshole as he sat on the couch with one knee in the air and nothing but his bikini underwear on, massaging his feet.

On a side note, Smeagol loved rubbing his feet, and would always put them up in Mystery's lap for her to rub them, making these gay almost purring sounds with his nasty moans of pleasure, intermixed with the constant gas that was almost always (ans still is) emanating from his not quite tight asshole...

Anyway, even Smeagol turned Jeff's offer down, and we all went about the business of living, that constant struggle of trying to hide all of the "pawnables" from my dad yet still get him to waste some money on stuff like food and toilet paper for us... usually failing unless Long John stole some from his wallet or JJ sold him some crack (which was a few times just some ivory, but my dad would almost always sniff that out. It was funny seeing him try to smoke it once anyway though)...

Things went on like that for awhile, my dad had a paying job, almost 9 dollars an hour, until one day he inexplicably got fired. He, as usual, came home to smoke some crack, and since Janet had cleaned out the rock collection they shared, went and bought some more. When he came home with an 8-ball, Janet wondered aloud how he was able to afford such a trinket since he didn't get paid for another week?

"Oh yeah I got fired, but they gave me 2 weeks severance!" He exclaimed happily. Everyone started making demands for the money: Long John wanted a new pair of shoes, his were almost 3 months old (boo hoo), JJ wanted some fucking food, and to purchase some weed from one of his contacts that he did not have to share (and he was only 13 at this point), I seemed to be the only one who was worried that given he recent record (fired 6 times in 2 months) he might want to save the money at least until he got another job. After looking at me expectantly for the punchline, everyone went back to their demands.

That night we ate pizza, which was great, but dad told us that was the last food until he got a new job, which was not so great. I asked him how he got fired, assuming it was for the same reason he had been fired from all his other jobs: He would simply not show up on payday for work, though he would come in that morning for his paycheck...

"They got me on camera stealing product," my dad mumbled around his bong, the last vestiges of the mighty 8ball still emanating from his breath like the fog over a swamp in the cool morning hours of an autumn chill.

Since I knew he worked with dildos, I had to know, much like the hoodlum in Dirty Harry: I didn't really want to know, but if I did not ask the question would haunt me for life, much like my dad's crack habit actually does.

"What did you steal?"
He slowed the frantic smoking for just a second, almost imperceptible to the naked eye, before resuming his journey deeper into the valley of loserdom: "I don't want to talk about it, there's some things yerdaddy has done that he's not proud of, son."

WTF?! This man has admitted to sucking another man's hardened penis, well maybe not in so many words but he did not deny it and that's the same thing as fucking doing it in my book, he'd been summarily fired for stealing money from the register, eating snacks he stole on camera and then eating them while customers waited, stealing liquor, stealing gasoline on his payday so he could go cash his check and then not show up for work later, smoking crack on the job, and I am sure there are other things I did not personally see, and yet whatever it was he stole from the dildo factory is too raunchy for my virgin ears to handle... I say again, dear reader, WTF?!

Epilogue: later, after I had moved out, JJ found a dual headed 11 inch studded blue dildo with anal probe attachment (I kid you not, no exaggeration here) with the words "Mr. Blue" written on it in black sharpie under the front seat of my dad's car. I don't want to know I don't want to know I don't want to know....

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