Friday, September 14, 2007

Manager's Meeting, Part I

It's morning at last!
It's time to check stevehaikus
don't let greyskull see

It starts...

So my colleagues at the law firm can attest to this whole string of stories, but I wanted to get them down for posterity:

When I started working at the Law Firm, it was an awesome place to work. Everyone worked hard, there was a constant barrage of rubber bands being shot at all times, we all shared information, the customer got taken care of first and right away and so we had a lot of free time for projects, which we had just enough to pique our collective interests but not so much I could not test the Internet firewall while looking for games to play online.

Our manager, Bob, was the perfect manager. He was pretty laid back, took care of problems quickly and had everyone's respect so there was no ill will when he had to lay down the law, which he pretty much never had to because we were all so awesome.

Then that asshat Bob accepted a position as the manager for the engineering team. We were crushed. This allowed Attila, our portly and incredibly unstable upper level manager, free reign to annoy and bother us. This kind of betrayal would get a mofo shot out on the streets, but Bob was such an easygoing guy no one got mad at him.

Attila was a douche, but she was usually too busy to manage us like she wanted to, so we assumed things would stay that way. Boy were we fucking wrong.


So we start looking for a new manager. It was kind of weird because we had to interview someone who would eventually tell us what to do, which is really hard to be objective if you think about it.

The first few were completely inconsequential, and all I remember from those meetings is that lunch was awesome and it was hard to hold my farts in. Then we met a few managers who were actually pretty cool: Karateman, the absurdly tall and pony-tailed guy who kind of looked like he was hosting an infomercial more than an interview; Goggle-eyes, my old manager from Gateway, whom everyone freakin' loved, and Greyskull. When we went in and saw Greyskull, ripping the head off of a baby kitten to consume it's soul (hey I will remember this however I want) while emitting a lusty "hmeeeeaaaaagh" Dick Cheney-style, we knew. We still hoped for Goggle-eyes, because he seemed the most likely to not bow into Attila's pressure, but we knew.

As we all sat down, defeat in our eyes and sadness in our hearts, Attila all but gobbled Greyskull's hairpie with her eyes. The Coog would later remember that it was Attila's reaction to Greyskull's answers to our queries that convinced him that our opinions did not and would not matter.

Greyskull did not do too terribly with our questions, but admittedly they were softball questions anyway, not the ones we SHOULD have been asking:

Real Question: "How would you keep the chemistry that this team has built going in a positive direction?"
Shoulda asked: "If I put a saddle on you and held on real tight, would I last the whole 8 seconds?"

Real Question: "What would your management style be if (insert easily answerable question here) happened?"
Shoulda asked: "Which is more important? Real intelligence and technical ability or being nice to everyone no matter how much they hurt the rest of us with their incompetence and lazy eye?"

Real Question: "Describe a situation that you fixed that was difficult."
Shoulda asked: "After you and Attila Scissor, does Asshat (the CIO) come lap up the lard-flavored sexmilk off the floor?"

Ugh that last one at first got me hot but then I thought about it and almost threw up. I will finish the preface tomorrow, but let it be known I was the only person who did not like Greyskull from the beginning, though the Coog kept it real too.

I am thinking of finishing this tale in a Beowulf - Norse poetry style. What is everyone's thoughts on that? I have been reading a lot of Scandinavian and Norse poetry, about slaying goblins and raping the cattle and burning the women and eating the villages, and I likey. Any objections to that? No response means you acquiesce! (acquiesce means agree to our British friends. Crikey!)


Anonymous said...

From Scandanavian to British, then rounding it out with Australian, all in one paragraph, good job bitch!

Just tell the damn stories, they rule my day!

And start doing them on Saturday and Sunday as well, we need more, do it! DO IT NOW!

pinkpenguins said...

I would say I don't know where you come up with this shit...but you know I do. I'm not sure if I should feel disturbed or laugh so hard I almost pee. I like the Mystery and Robert stories, that shit is too funny. And by the way I'll take whatever kid you'll give me....potty trained or not. Hee hee, and I agree about doing these on the weekends too.