Friday, September 28, 2007

Smeagol's Fight Club

A clown, a cobra

What would be the connection?

Simply put, awesome

In the first Corner!

This story actually takes place in a far more recent setting than most of the other tales, and is constantly in danger of being updated. It's sad when something like this happens the other way around, but hilarious when it happens the way it did. I speak, you find more. Jinqui!

The Nursing Home

Smeagol works at a nursing home, let's call it Duluth just for shits and giggles. Smeagol has worked at Duluth off and on for the last 10 years or so. I say "off and on" because Smeagol has been repeatedly fired from Duluth, only to go reapply a week later and get hired back on. He had been fired for no call no shows, like my dad he would occasionally come in and get his check and then just not show up for work on payday, he took his dog to work and let it run free and it bit a bunch of old people, he has been fired for sleeping on the job (this one was the reason for most of his firings, shocking huh), threatening patients and abusing them, or really, trying to. You see, reading this site you may have gotten the idea that Smeagol was a powerful being, ready to nap at the slightest hint of downtime. While he did like to nap all day, this was not to conserve his awesome power, but because the strenuous activity of sitting straight up or standing proved often to be too much for him to handle in his weakened condition.

There were a multitude of gay men at Duluth. Like I have said many times before, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay at all, but these guys were flaming hotter than Johnny Storm. There was Huey, who looked like Milli Vanilli (seriously) and I am told could scrap better than your average martial artist, Desmond, who was known to take shots in the mouth during his breaks in his car and also bragged about sticking a wild turkey bottleneck up his own ass, and Ted, who I am told played college football, he certainly looked like it, and wore stuff like a lavender skirt with his scrubs and wore his hair in a flip. He was routinely arrested for male prostitution. Dammit I am not gay but Ted and Huey were pretty cool, if you could ignore the constant references to buttfuckery.

Anyway, there are stories related to most of those guys, and that is not all of the gay guys there who enjoyed trying to gross me out when I had to pick the Smeags up, but that is not the subject of this story.

So JJ calls one night, excited, which is strange because he spends almost his entire day high.

"Guess what happened today, oooooh shit bitch," he started his usual greeting. "Smeagol got knocked the fuck out by one of the geriatric patients today! He said he tried to get the old guy to take a pill, and he wouldn't, so he forcefed it to him and told him he was gonna slap him stupid the next time, and he went to the nurse's station-" Smeagol is a nurse, or more accurately, a CNA -" and some old guy in a walker with an iv attached to him shuffled up and knocked his ass the fuggout!" We spent a good 3 or 4 minutes laughing at that, and then hung up. I saw Smeagol a few days later, as I was in the neighborhood and it was everyone's payday, and I asked Smeagol for the story. I am not sure why, but he was very happy to relate for some reason. Why would you be proud to tell people how you got knocked out by some old guy?

"Awww shit niggie-" Smeagol's default greeting, ask pinkpenguin and Haggard they will concur -" I was trying to pass out meds and I gave Jenkins (the old man) his pill, but he didn't want to take it. I told him he could either take it or I could shove it down his throat and then shove my foot up his ass, or he could take it peacefully, you know I don't play especially when I am working all this booty ass overtime niggie. "

"He didn't want to take his pill, so I shoved it down his throat and went to go rest at the nurses station. Well the next thing I know I hear his walker squeak and I turned around right in time to see his fist as it connected with my jaw! I woke up like 5 minutes later, I couldn't believe it!" WTF?! First of all how does an old man, pulling along an IV and squeaking around in a walker, "sneak up" on you? Second how do you get your bitch ass knocked the fuck out by an old ass dude in a walker! I will finish this post Monday, including the better known knock out from the even older guy.

to be continued...

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