Wednesday, September 5, 2007

How much would YOU take??

Ah, the old crack pipe
siren call to father's heart
He always responds

Rhetorical Question

So this one time (at band camp) I was on the phone with my little brother, this was when he was still stealing cars and robbing his next door neighbor almost monthly, so he was in good spirits. We were just shooting the shit, talking about how we think my older brother is gay and wondering why he only at that point had 8 teeth left (He is down to 3 now), and the conversation naturally between two completely heterosexual males turned to the age old question: How much would it take to receive a shot in the mouth from another man's rock hard cock?

Alright I am going to get zinged for this but I have kids so my price was a modest 10 million dollars, because that can buy a lot of toothpaste and therapy and still leave money to hire enough hookers to blot that memory out. My little brother said he would not do it for less than like a billion dollars, typical for your run-of-the-mill homophobe. We were talking about that and what we thought it would take my older brother, because this was not too long after the Tony Incident: I played varsity football. I was one of like 4 people on the team who owned a car. So I had to transport players when the bus "broke down" (We all knew the driver was a gangster, so by "broke down" we knew he was probably dealing crack, and if he was dealing crack or whatever he was probably selling to my dad. Tee Hee!) up to the field, which was at the other high school.

So there were 6 football players and my buddy Tony in the car, along with my older brother. We were making fun of each other, and him, because he kept falling asleep and laying out those shit-farts we had come to know and love. So this is going on, and my brother sits up and says to Tony "You know what, Tony, you would be kind of cute if it wasn't for your mouth."

Alright. Let me put that line by itself so you can feel the gravity of what he just said in a car full of homophobic (except me, mom brought her gay friends over so much it's a wonder I was only molested by a chick and not by some dude, but the positive thing is I was (and am not) a homophobe) football players, all outweighing him by at least 100 pounds (he only weighs 105 maybe, so this is not much of a stretch) and now completely silent waiting for a punchline or something. He said

"You know what, Tony, you would be kind of cute if it wasn't for your mouth."

Ans that, my friends, is the first time I died a little on the inside. No I did not say that, but just being related to him made me 10% gay. No again there's no problem with being gay, but it's not me. The silence was broken by Tony's howling laughter and for some reason pointing at me saying "ya'll niggas is gay!"

Anyway back to the phone story. My little brother calls my older brother on 3-way. What is also hilarious here is when my older brother picked up, there was no introduction or anything. This is the conversation in full:

J (my little brother): "Hey R (My older brother), how much would it take for you to take a shot in the mouth?"
- I would like to interject here that "taking a shot in the mouth" could be construed in many different ways, getting punched in the face, actually getting shot in the face (so it could be construed as "how much would it take to hang out with Dick Cheney?", or any other numerous ways for blunt force trauma to be applied to your mouthal region-
R: "Do I get to pick the guy?"
R: "Because I would pick Fremont (a really gay guy at his job) cause he's a clean fag-"

Neither of us said anything for a few seconds. This man is gay as the sky is blue!

More tomorrow, I am thinking about talking about "Steve-o", what my dad's crack dealers called him, and my little brother did too when he started selling dope to my dad from across the fucking hall.

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