Monday, December 31, 2007

End of year edition of steveshaikus

Well friends, it's that time
time to reminisce, to laugh
time to take a dump

Man, I cannot believe I had 4 months worth of stories to put down, much less the fact that although I had 4 months of stories I have not even begun to scrape the scum off of the depravity and outright lunacy my family entails. Well, that's it for the remembering, let's move on amigos!


So we moved from Smeagol's house, way, way back when, and were 2 fresh young souls, ready to enter the world with the riches we both acquired working at Burger King for 5 hours a day. We had gotten an apartment on 5th and Maple, which is one block East and one block North of Independence Avenue and the onramp to I-29. It was a fucking dump, made worse by the fact that when we moved in there was trash and what I pray to the gentle to this day was animal feces and not human in little piles all over the place. The apartment was a dump, our kitchen was absolutely filthy when we moved in, no roaches but I could hear rats scurrying throughout our tenure there.

Out the grungy back door was a balcony that leaned at an almost 20 degree angle toward nothing but 3 stories straight down. There were numerous boards missing and it creaked something awful when we walked across it, and when we asked the manager, who lived in a much more updated apartment next to ours, about it, she said it was designed that way for snow runoff. When we asked why when we moved in the refrigerator was blocking the door and why there was fucking moldy ass food in the fridge when we moved in she disappeared. Cunt.

Anyway, Our neighbors across the hall were some Haitian women, one of which was actually pretty hot, but we soon found out how they paid their rent, by hooking it to a growing number of gentlemen, who would accidentally rap on our door and try to fornicate with whomever answered, which was scary for my wife, and just plain awkward for me.

Anyway, things went on for awhile, the guys below us were Arab or Somalian or something, and would constantly hit on my lady when I was not around, and one of them even offered his sister to me in exchange for my girl, an offer I refused after a little thought, I mean she wore a burka, how could I be sure she wasn't ugly? And also as a secondary reason she was pregnant with my first kid, so there was that...

Anyway, on to the meat of this Story, Spiderman. My wife's brother, Wyatt Earp (I call him this, from now on WE, because he had a handlebar mustache and looked just like him) lived across from the Somalipimps with his exwife, her boyfriend, his 2 kids and her kid she had had with her boyfriend (I can see that no explanation on this living arrangement is needed, so I will move on), and one of their visitors was Blackjack Larry. Larry was my wife's other sister's boyfriend, and I call him BlackJack Larry because he was always dressed like a pirate, which was funny because he was also on crack and meth, much like real pirates were (give me 5 minutes to edit the Wikipedia page, then look it up). He was a real loser, always beating his woman, smoking crack, and generally being a complete douche. Anyway, soon after he found out we lived upstairs he came by, looking at our stuff with that look that can only mean one thing: He loved our feng shui! Well as it turns out there could be another way to interpret how he was looking at our things.

We came home a few days later to see that our house had been robbed. Hoe Dog McGee was busy "working" across the hall and had no idea what had gone on. I didn't bother asking the SOmalipimps, as they were still sore that I did not trade my wife so they could take turns running her through (since I only got a quick glimpse of their sister only once, I bet one of them dressed up as a chick), and her brother's brood had been out as well, doing whatever it is they do. We called the police.

Now, to some of you who have never lived in a shitty neighborhood, this is going to come as a shock. To others, this will not even turn your eyebrow, since someone is probably trying to break into your house as you read this, but when we called the dispatcher asked what the problem was. When we informed her that we had been robbed, she asked us if anyone had been shot. No, we replied, and then she asked if the robber was still in the house. Double negatory on that too. She then informed us that since it was not a priority that she would have some officers stop by "When they get a break from some more pressing issues". Nice.

3 hours pass, and 2 cops show up. We had not touched anything at all in the house, and there were plain fingerprints on our television. The thief had Scaled the goddamn building, climbing up balconies to the third floor to rob us. I shit you fucking not. Someone had Spiderman crawled up the front of our building, climbing from balcony to balcony, and gone in through our front balcony window to rob our house, bypassing the other 5 apartments he would have had to climb past to get to it. Hmmm.....who could that be? So we had prints, nothing disturbed except the television, which he had tried to move and decided to leave, with his prints all over it and in the dust on the top and back, all of my wife's coins and jewelry, even though hidden, taken with no other drawers opened, I mean this was an open and shut case, Johnson. We informed the officers of all this evidence, and that the guy who did it was a convicted felon (he was) and that we knew where he lived (we did). You will not believe this, they didn't give a flying rat's ass (which would actually be pretty cool to see), and told us to make sure we locked our front door better, as that is probably how he got in, stepping over the broken glass in front of the balcony door to get back out.

We never got our stuff back, and one of the items stolen was my Playstation, leaving me without entertainment. I turned the computer on, which had Diablo installed on it, and the rest, my friends, is history.

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