Friday, December 7, 2007

Get Outta My Dreams (Part III)

Billy Ocean Rules
Baby get outta my dreams
and into my car

Erica

So we are sitting around in my apartment, her hideous child with the head that is a little too large mingling with my handsome children, uglying them up in the process and making me want them less and less every time they let him touch them and get his Constasnot (copyright that, bitches) and failure transferred from Smeagol all over them. Smeagol is attempting to eat Erica out on the couch, telling us in great detail how he never liked getting blowjobs before but since she did now he likes them, though he likes lapping up the ladies' love juice (He really did use that phrase, I shit you not) more... what the hell?! I could have lost my job, gone bankrupt, been shot in the chest and raped by a homeless man and a BJ would make it all better.... hey you can groan all you want but every guy reading this feels the same way, and all that BS you read in Cosmo about 'sensual touching', 'teasing the pleasure out of your man' and my personal fave '300 ways to please your lover' is just that, BS. There are 5 ways to please a man, I will illustrate:

1. Give it up often.
2. Shut up. If football is on, you look great in those pants, we love your hair, and whatever color scheme you want the living room to be is fine. Keep conversation and sexual favors to commercials.
3. Let him take a dump alone, stop interrupting him while he is reading the paper.
4. Dinner should have some kind of real meat and some kind of potato in it. Cheddar broccoli and rice will only piss him off (listen up, wifes!)
5. No cuddling

Sorry about that, my PSA over, back to the story. So Smeagol is dry fingering his girl on my couch, which is made more nasty because 1) she is not stopping him, and 2) he doesn't have fingers, only raptor claws. I get ED from the image that pops up before I can suppress it of her sucking the skids out of Smeagol's thong while she hangs onto his perm...

I am brought out of my daymare by Smeagol wanting to talk to me in private. Ugh... any time he wants to talk to me in private it either means he needs money or wants to get his breath all over me. He informs me that she had been tested positive for herpes, which is not a complete big deal, it happens I guess, though I had always been told only if you sleep with homeless men, but if that's the case I would have it Tee Hee! Ugh I grossed myself out on that one...

Anyway, he also said the only way to keep her around is to buy her whatever she wants, and to do that he is going to need a small loan of about 50 bux. Whatever, queer, I give him the cash and he walks right out into the living room and informs her "I got the cash, let's go", and they get up and hustle out the door. Classy to the end, that Smeagol.

More Monday on this... including the death of the Mountaneer (hint: someone cannot drive and this time it is not Smeagol!) I had a quick scam blurb I think is funny, just wanted to send it along:

Rainbow Charity Donation

THis one is quick, I just wanted to let you all see some of the fruits of my labor, as it is a labor of love.... scammer in black, mine in red, thoughts in blue:


Rainbow Charity Donation‏
From:
RAINBOW CHARITY DONATIONS (philip_90@walla.com)
Sent:
Sat 11/17/07 5:32 PM
Reply-to:
international_rainbow@yahoo.es
To:
Rainbow Charity Donation Cope Children’s Trust Registered in England and WalesRegistration Number: 2743297Registered Office: Lark Rise,Loughborough, Leicestershire, LE11 2HSRegistered Charity Number: 1014051http://rainbows.eazytiger.net/lotterynumbers.asp The Rainbow Charity Donation wishes to informyou that the results of the E-mail address ballotinternational program by Great Britain held on 27th ofOctober .2007.Your organisation or personal e-mail address, is attached to a Ticket number 860-377-596-6738, with a serial number 5368/02 drew the Lucky Winning Numbers 0-5-6-2-7-9 You have therefore been awarded the total lump sum pay out of $1,500,000.00 credited to File. You are to contact the diplomatic delivery by e-mail;Diplomatic Delivery Officer:Mr.Jacob Adex Delivery Lacation:United kingdom Enail:international_rainbow@yahoo.esPhone no: +44 -70-111-52405 For due verification on the state of your fund lodged in our bank,Kindly log-on to global financial authority regulating online banking system in the UK and verify the existence of your fund. Login line(call): +141-684-81228 ext 3.Account number:100704Account pin number:2859 The Diplomatic Courier service is the State Department's own internal shipping service. Most countries have some kind of service like this. Packages bypass customs inspections, and are thus a secure form of delivery for secret papers or items that you wouldn't want a not-so-friendly government to have access to. Material sent through the service varies from documents, to computers, to locks and security systems - all things you wouldn't want an unfriendly host to have access too.:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
CLAIMS PROCESSING FORM::
*Name of Beneficiary:............................
*Address:.......................................
*City/State:...............................
*Nationality:..........................
*Sex:...........
*Email Address:................................
*Tel:............................
*Occupation:..........................
*Next of Kin:...................
*Age:.....................
*AMOUNT WON:...................
*In Figures:.......................
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Congratulations once again from all our staff for being a part of ourPromotions program.Mrs. Stacy Queens McLellanInternational Limited, certified by the Gambling Commission ELMCertification 180/3/2.©
Rainbow Rainbow Charity Donation 2007.::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Hooray! Please find my information below as follows. Thanks. Semore Butts

> From: philip_90@walla.com
> Date: Sun, 18 Nov 2007 12:32:51 +1100
> Subject: Rainbow Charity Donation
>
>
> Rainbow Charity Donation
> Cope Children’s Trust Registered in England and Wales
> Registration Number: 2743297
> Registered Office: Lark Rise,
> Loughborough, Leicestershire, LE11 2HS
> Registered Charity Number: 1014051
> http://rainbows.eazytiger.net/lotterynumbers.asp
>
> The Rainbow Charity Donation wishes to inform
> you that the results of the E-mail address ballot
> international program by Great Britain held on 27th of
> October .2007.Your organisation or personal e-mail address, is attached to a Ticket number 860-377-596-6738, with a serial number 5368/02 drew the Lucky Winning Numbers 0-5-6-2-7-9 You have therefore been awarded the total lump sum pay out of $1,500,000.00 credited to File.
>
> You are to contact the diplomatic delivery by e-mail;
> Diplomatic Delivery Officer:Mr.Jacob Adex
> Delivery Lacation:United kingdom
> Enail:international_rainbow@yahoo.es
> Phone no: +44 -70-111-52405
>
> For due verification on the state of your fund lodged in our bank,Kindly log-on to global financial authority regulating online banking system in the UK and verify the existence of your fund.
>
> Login line(call): +141-684-81228 ext 3.
> Account number:100704
> Account pin number:2859
>
> The Diplomatic Courier service is the State Department's own internal shipping service. Most countries have some kind of service like this. Packages bypass customs inspections, and are thus a secure form of delivery for secret papers or items that you wouldn't want a not-so-friendly government to have access to. Material sent through the service varies from documents, to computers, to locks and security systems - all things you wouldn't want an unfriendly host to have access too.
> :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
> CLAIMS PROCESSING FORM::>
*Name of Beneficiary:............................Semore Butts
> *Address:.......................................3715 Main Street,
> *City/State:...............................Kansas City, Missouri
> *Nationality:..........................non-Nigger
> *Sex:...........male
> *Email Address:................................semorebutts.ido@hotmail.com
> *Tel:............................816-561-2600
> *Occupation:..........................Undercover lover
> *Next of Kin:...................none
> *Age:.....................27
> *AMOUNT WON:...................1.5 Million fucking dollaruskies assholez!
> *In Figures:.......................I have no idea what you are talking about here
> ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
> Congratulations once again from all our staff for being a part of our
> Promotions program.
> Mrs. Stacy Queens McLellan
> International Limited, certified by the Gambling Commission ELM> Certification 180/3/2.
> ©Rainbow Rainbow Charity Donation 2007.

Let's see where this goes...

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