Must be like smoking crack rocks
but without the guilt
How Stevester got his Groove back
So I had left my dad's apartment, the smell of crack rocks and idiocy dissipating the further I got from that dump. I was going to stay with my sister for a few days, and then see where I was. We cruised along in her 1983 Ford Fairmont, her telling me to not put my hand out the window because it would slow the car down (really, I am not joking) and almost hitting every pedestrian unlucky enough to be outside on that blustery day.
We get to what I will now affectionately call the butthole of Missouri, Holt. I am sure it is a lovely town now, but when I was there for what turned out to be about 3 days, it was a gas station, a field, and the tiny ass trailer my sister stayed in with her boyfriend, 2 annoying ass kids and a dog that took no greater joy than in pissing all over me and my clothes since I slept on the floor. Sadly enough it was better than living in the dump I was in, at least no one smoked crack rocks and I could go to sleep without securing my belongings before the fucking pawn fairy took them and rewarded me with a big bunch of nothing under my pillow or in the entertainment center.
I hate children. I am getting better with it but kids naturally seem to hate me and so instead of being grown up about it I hate them back. I'm not proud of it. Fuck it yeah I am. I like my own kids as long as they are quiet, asleep or at school, and I hate their friends with a passion, mostly because they are so dumb. Dammit now it's wild tangent time!
Tangent time, tangent time!
It's to-tal-ly irre-levant
but it's bitchin time that's we-ll spent!
Tangent time, tangent time is Heeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrre!
OK So my boys have a bunch of friends, and I try desperately to like them, but alas it is like treading water in a de-oxygenated pool with cinderblocks attached to my feet. I will explain:
Biff - This little asswipe whines more than my oldest, which is saying something. I have heard him cry because it is too windy, cry because his coat buttons get undone, cry when my 5 year old pushes him down, cry because a dog barked somewhere, and those are the ones I can readily find a reason for! This kid id almost 8, and I swear he cries as soon as he wakes up and doesn't stop until he falls asleep. He is always the first one to run up and hit someone when their back is turned, but when they hit him back will yell out "I'm telling your mommy!" and head up to tattle. I hate tattle tales, they friggin suck. My oldest is a whiner too, but I think it has more to do with hanging out with this kid than any other reason.
Champ - This kid is a walking Ritalin commercial. ADHD personified, he is always hyper and also about as dumb as a post, though sadly he has to battle the next couple of kids in this list for the coveted Dumbest kid in Ferrelview award. He is 7, talks like a baby, and will walk RIGHT FUCKING BY my kids up to my door to ask if they can come out and play. When I used to inform him they were outside, he would try to act all cute and start his goo goo ga ga shit and not leave. I soon learned that opening the door, looking at him and then slamming the door is better than engaging this little mongoloid in conversation, and I do so all the time. Fuck you don't judge, you would do the same thing.
Thad - Thad is the neighborhood bully and a future NRA member. His parents are both complete white trash, and they do nothing to raise him. He is also not allowed to come into contact with almost 80% of the kids, due to their parents threatening to ground them for being seen near him, mine included. He is a bully, and an asshole. He pissed all over my kid, hit them both in the head with bricks, branches, and stole their bikes only to throw them in the creek, he ran around busting windows out of vacant houses and trailers with rocks, he lays in the street at night (Ferrelview does not have streetlights) and dares you to run him over (and boy have I come close many times, though most of those was in broad daylight) he throws things at passing cars, my kid told me he made a jug of Koolaid and pissed in it and was trying to sell it to passing motorists for 25 cents a cup (I went and knocked his whole stand over for that), and a plethora of other things makes this kid bad news. These are not the worst kids in the neighborhood though, so you will understand when I tell you I hate kids. /end tangent
Anyway, I hate kids, so imagine the joy I experienced when my sister informed me that I would need to watch her two little assholes while she went to work every day. I am sure they hated me too, because I made them either sit or run in circles outside until they collapsed from exhaustion, and then I told them not to touch me or talk to me. This was not working, and when my mom asked if I would like to move back to the city with her, I was more than happy to go.
The last time I had been to my mother's apartment, she was on her own, and had a nice looking apartment in an up and coming neighborhood. Naw I'm kidding it was a converted crack motel off of 47th and troost. Anyway, her apartment was pretty nice, and always smelled like incense and she had cable and running water, so Smeagol was there a lot as well, as his wife had recently been taken from this earth and she had left his kids to her sister instead of him. He was not so bad then, he had a running car, more than half of his teeth, and Mystery was not yet allowed to ride in the front seat so we could more easily ignore her.
Things had changes, and not for the better... Mom had moved out of her apartment to be with some guy who by his very appearance seemed to be a giant douche: He had these blue tinted John Lennon sunglasses, he talked like a mystical retard, though I would not know what that was yet, he had long hair and a black guitar he informed me he had named "Nigger", which was funny in a I-oughta-stab-yo-honky-ass kind of way because he was also white, I think... he looked kind of native american or something or he was just always dirty... I never found out. His name was Jeff, and I was to learn how great of a man he was...
More on scams tomorrow, I have a vote for Lilian Ray, which is sadly probably going to come to a close, as they are getting tired of my stalling. Fuck em.