Friday, December 21, 2007

Butthole Chutney

I work in IT
Your tech issue is boring
So I ignore you

If I started a band, I would name it Butthole Chutney. It just sounds right.

So I am going to go see Smeagol this weekend, I might bring up the money but probably not, since every time you mention money and not giving him some but how he owes you Smeagol stops listening and I am a big purveyor of putting away squabbles for Christmas. I asked my wife if she would mind if everyone came by, since it would essentially be her cleaning up the most since I am a lazy fuck, and she said Smeagol could come up but he had to sit at the kids table and he could only eat off of disposable plates and cutlery... Which is funny because Smeagol usually sits at the kids table, he likes talking to them more than adults, which is probably an evolutionary thing, since raptors would want to associate with more easily killed prey.

So I can see from the way the voting is going that scams are not everyone's favorites, and I must admit the one I am posting right now is kind of boring, but I like posting them, so I think for now I will keep it up, but I will post them a little less often, and maybe only 1 email from the scammer and one from me.

Anyway, it was the next morning after we had helped Smeagol move all of his belongings in the dead of night, specifically coming over after 8PM to throw his completely unpacked house into the U-Haul, and driving it 2 blocks further south to his new home, which was right next door to what looked like the cast of Bone Thugs in Harmony, a group of less than clean cut gentlemen standing on their porch in all kinds of weather (I have almost never been by Smeagol's house and not seen them standing outside) drinking OE and Camo all day and all night, their car stereo blasting as opposed to a stereo inside the house, though (and this must be coincidence) they did start playing music inside the house about a week after Smeagol got robbed of his stereo and PS2...hmmmmm......

Anyway, we go into the basement and grab his shit encrusted washer and dryer, and notice his dog is dead, laying there, starved, foaming at the mouth, and though I should have felt sorry for it I did not, I was sure it was in a better place. I asked Smeagol as we moved his smelly shit into the truck what had happened, he said "I can't have dogs in my new house" and left it at that, though he would later say they had been poisoned by our asshole neighbor, Marvin (who was an asshole for many, many reasons which I will detail in further posts).

It is the next day, and we are moving things out of the truck, we being me, JJ, Hoody and Monica. Smeagol and Erica's friend, Tubbo (I swear she weighed 500 pounds if she weighed an ounce) had gone to the store to get a couple of sodas, and we were annoyed, not only because we stank from contact with Smeagol's thong smattered belongings, but because it was hot as fuck and he was doing just shy of jack shit to help.

I was standing in the truck, moving a sofa, talking about how he was not going to pay us and what a piece of shit he was, and none of us noticed he had returned. He was walking around the corner of the truck toward the back, and I know he heard me as I said, and I quote myself, "Well I sure hope I don't catch nothing touching all this crap, you all know he has herpes-" THen I saw him standing there, looking thoroughly embarrassed, and was instantly embarrassed myself, I tried to play it off by saying "Man this sofa is heavy" but the moment had already passed... AWKWARD!

Tubbo was a big girl. I don't call them big girls until they can tip the scales at around 300 pounds or so, up to that point they are "Thick", and that's just friggin hot. Which is funny when you think about the fact that my wife weighed maybe 110 when we met, but I digress... dammit I love junk in the trunk ya'll!

Anyway, Tubbo was huge, maybe 500-550 pounds, and she was as dumb as a post to boot. I tried to leave subtle hints that I was taken, and even if I wasn't I was not interested, by using contextual clues like "Hey Tubbo, I am taken, and even if I wasn't, which I am, I would not be with you for anything. Kill yourself", or just vomiting when she lifted her shirt to show me her tits, which she did once. Ugh *shudder*....

I remember one of the many times we went to bail Smeagol out of jail, because Tubbo went along as she had collected the money this time instead of Mystery. We were driving along, me, Mystical Retard and Tubbo, Mystical sitting on my side in the back seat to keep the car from tipping over, and Tubbo in front licking her lips and giving me what I hoped was an alluring look and not a hungry look... and we went downtown to bail Smeagol out.

Downtown Tubbo made it abundantly clear that she should not handle money or be let out into the light of day due not to her ugliness but to her stupidity. The bail bondsman came out and explained his racket to her thusly: "OK what is going to happen is Smeagol is in jail at Leeds, but we have to bail him out here and then go to Leeds and bail him out there as well. His bail is 1500 dollars total, you will need to pay me 300 dollars, which I will keep, and I will bail him out. He will then be required to go to court, and when he shows up I get all of the bail money back; you get nothing. DO you understand?"

Tubbo looked at him as if he was a weight loss program, completely not understanding. "So I give you the money..." she started, then trailed off. She did this at least 6 more times, thoroughly annoying me, but the bondsman was very patient in explaining and re-explaining the entire process to her, and telling her this is how he makes his money.

Finally, FINALLY she just hands him the money and informs us that she does not understand and never will, and I am about to shit my pants with happiness, and from all the fried potatoes I had eaten. We bail him out there, and follow the bondsman over to Leeds. There we go in and wait for him to bond Smeagol out. Tubbo is talking to my mother right in front of me about me and how good I look in my jeans, with a lot of those "mmm-mm-mmm!"s thrown in.... gross. My mom seems to be playing along, making me hate her because I know it is only because she hated my girlfriend because she is white and Tubbo is as dark as the 45 pounds of chocolate she must eat daily in order to satiate her voracious appetite. I would not make fun of someone's weight, but she was a total jerk once she finally got it into her head that I was not going to cheat on my girlfriend with her, so it's all good. I give my mother the death stare, which starts her on her fucking idiotic "You need to respeeeeeek meeeee" tangent, which I ignore. I try to not let Tubbo catch my gaze, and end up looking at the coke machine for about 25 minutes. The officer comes out, and tells us he needs to verify we have the right Smeagol. The picture he shows us is so funny I almost snot myself: It is Smeagol, looking like a sad, sad raptor, sitting on a bench with his arms and legs crossed.

So we bail the Smeags out, and we take him over by Jeff's house to drop my mom off, and Jeff comes running out, a shit-eating grin on his face. "Hey Smeagol, if I had known you were going to jail I would have given you my pocket pussy!" He then takes something that is small and rubber and make a sticky sound, and I turned so as not to actually see it, and Smeagol did his little groan thing and went back to sleep, Tubbo still trying to catch my gaze.

On the way to drop Smeagol off, Tubbo finally gets it and is angry with me for not stopping the car and pounding her butthole: "You think I'm fat or something? Cuz I tell you what there are plenty of mens who want all this, I was just tryin' ta do you a favor, ya gap toothed zit faced punk beeitch!" Wow, she is riding in MY car, stinking up MY upholstery, and she has the cajones to insult me? Drop off time!

Smeagol's pleading raptor eyes make me quiet myself, for the noble Stevester is no cockblock, and Tubbo is Erica's best friend. I drop her off, and then Smeagol, and head home to see if my pole will even stand up again from the perceived Axis assault Tubbo was insinuating. It was the first time I could not get it up, and will hopefully be the last (knock on wood)....

Scam time Monday, I ended another one so this should get interesting.

4 comments:

wbabbit said...

Dude you're way too nice...waaaayyy toooo niiicceee...

Looking forward to the neighbor stories though...

Stevester said...

Look at all that has befell Smeagol... he's ugly, he weighs less than 100 pounds, he has only 1 or 2 teeth left, he has a bad perm, he is married to Mystery, he smells, his thong is so old and baggy but he never swaps it out... how could you be mean to something like that?

wbabbit said...

Put it out of it's misery? What are you getting him for xmas?

Stevester said...

I dropped the loan he fuckin owes me, that's a pretty nice Xmas present... too bad I can't tell him until he contacts me again