Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Get Outta My Dreams (The Epic Saga)

I just found Billy Joel
The Stranger, Movin' Out, nice
Thanks for sharing, queer


So the time is 2002, I am with my lady, we had long since vacated the filth and failure that is not only associated but defines Smeagol and his house, and things are not going well there. With Mystery getting caught not once, but twice taking it up the ass from different members of the janitorial staff, taking it up the ass from some dude who lives up the street, and Smeagol thinking he is hot because one of the chicks who is scamming him finally let him poke her naughty bits, there was a rumble brewing.

I went over to his house with a gallon of Night Train, in those days I kept a milk jug's worth around for when I went to Smeagol's house anyway, as it helped to dull the scent of animal shit, unwashed crotch, thong and failure. I was standing by the door, waiting for JJ to finish getting dressed as we were going to go see a flick, and Mystery is sitting on the couch, looking at a television that has only snow on it... because the vcr, thair playstation and my Sega Saturn had all been pawned, I noticed with much chagrin.

Smeagol comes out, almost literally POURING Petouli (a woman's perfume) on himself, desperately trying to mask the stink, and his thong is laying crumpled on the dining room table, which is disgusting and alluring at the same time. Mystery notices this, and the argument begins:

M: "WHere are you going? Duh...."

Smeags: "None of your business, bitch! I do what I wanna, wann, wanna do" (picture him taking breaths in between each iteration of 'wanna')

M: "Well I guess you'll be home in an hour or so..." (Editor's note: she always did this, trying to give Smeagol and even sometimes ME curfews, I hated it so much I wanted to punch her but I could see by looking at her that God had already done so much to her a punch to the face would not have even phased her)

Smeags: "Look here, I will be back when I get back, and if I bring a honey home, you better hide until we're done!" (Really, you can ask Haggard and my wife, Smeagol hit on chicks RIGHT IN FRONT of Mystery all the time)


We leave, Smeagol inviting himself along (during that whole argument, I had not put 2 and 2 together and realized that Smeagol had decided he was going to ride along, and he never considered asking), where he ensconces himself in my back seat and commences with the shit-farts.

We get to the theater, and Smeagol informs us that he has already gotten another honey, and is going to leave a message on his home machine teling Mystery she is too ugly for him and had better move out (really.). He CALLS HIS WIFE OF 7 FUCKING YEARS on the phone and tells her, in a nutshell, that she is not good looking enough or smart enough to keep a sexy stud like the Smeagster around and that she needs to go back to her mom's house or something because he was bringing his new honey home.

Part II tomorrow...

No comments: