A band, or a frame of mind
Thinking's hard, don't do it
The Heart Attack
Oh my Deity. You know how you promise yourself before the holidays come that this will be the year, the year you don't gain 15 pounds of mayonnaise in only 1 month? And then you go to like 3 dinners every day to be with family and friends and you drink 3 pints of Foster's every day and eat a big ass bowl of rotel with Tostitos before each meal and do absolutely no exercise other than stretching out on the couch to get the remote off the floor so you do not have to physically get up? Yeah, that's me. But there was a twist, let me tell you about it.
So I had just finished eating half a large meat-lovers pizza, 3 scoops of fried ice cream, a bowl of rotel with chips, 3 pints of Fosters and 3 Mike's Hard Lemonade, and I felt great. Just a little tipsy, not enough to stumble but just enough your balls feel like they're being tickled by thousands of tiny fingers, guys you know what I'm talking about, girls you can know what I'm talking about if you will respond to my advances (talking to you, grandma), and it hits me. We are on our 3rd bout of SOCOM Fire Team Bravo, playing PSP wirelessly because standing up to go in the other room to play on the PS2 was too much exercise, and I feel a sharp pain in my chest. I assume it is one of my arteries trying to push more blood through and counter with a spoonful of rotel, and it quiets down.
The next day, yesterday, I am sitting at my computer desk, and I like to sit sideways and turn my head to my left to work on the computer, not because of room constraints but because my desk was designed by a madman and if I sit straight and stretch out my feet I bust my shins every time on the little shelf under the desk. Anyway, the pain comes back, only this time it is more pronounced and does not go away when I polish off the rotel with a few smoked sausage hot dogs with all the fixins. I looked at my last pint of Foster's, wondering if I should, and the pain becomes worse. I sit on the couch and try to see what the problem is, and my wife is getting worried because heart problems are rampant in my family (except Smeagol's, which only slows down as it gets cold outside since he is half raptor) and she is whining about why did I have to eat so much crap.
Long story short, it was because I had been looking left for more than 8 hours whilst playing Civ 4, and a hearty dump followed by an hour of reading while still on the toilet fixed this problem. Good times. But it got me to thinking, maybe there is something to this health thing. Maybe I should eat right, exercise and learn to enjoy the longevity that can be had eating green vegetables and the like. Nah fuck that, when I die it will be while eating a double bacon cheeseburger dipped in a vat of mayonnaise, that's how I will die, and it will be a live well lived.
Random thoughts and tidbits
Some things to try if you are shopping and get bored, some I have personally tested, and some I would like to know if someone else wouldn't mind testing:
1. Hitchhike inside a store, and when someone slows down, try to jump in their cart. (Make sure they are not fast enough to get away though, or you will slip and almost break your teeth. Trust me)
2. Get in an elevator with only one person in there. Then face them and stand as close as possible to them the whole time (I have done this, it is hilarious, especially when it is a skinny little white or asian girl and you are a 6 foot tall large black man, even better if you grin the whole time)
3. Get in an elevator with a few people in it, and tell them if the elevator stops they'll have to re-enact the Donner party, then look at the smallest person and lick your lips.
4. Tell the person in line behind you while waiting for the register that boys have a penis and girls have a vagina.
5. Stand in the greeting card isle, looking at cards randomly. Wait for a few people to populate said isle, and then start up a spirited round of pocket pool while chanting "yes" under your breath. Then shudder, shake your pants out, put the card back and walk away.
6. Buy a bunch of beer. While walking out find a couple that are reasonably attractive and shudder whilst looking at one of them, hand the other one a beer and tell them to get laid on you. (Funnier if it is 2 dudes or 2 chicks)
7. Fart a couple of times and pretend you have explosive diarrhea and ask the lady outside the changing room if they have a toilet in them, and then go in there to try on underwear or shorts (or bikini briefs)
That is all, more tomorrow.