Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Smeagol and Erica, and a scam

Listen to my poem
A bard, some tights, the lute? Nay
A storyteller

Smeagol and Erica, the saga continues

And so life went on, Smeagol informing us all the time that he got Erica to climax with his raptor tongue and claw of destruction, which when lotion is applied apparently becomes the Klaw of Klimax, and we pretty much had to stand there and take it, because Smeagol was happy, and we had not seen that for awhile, reminiscing right in front of us by sniffing his raptor claws, completely grossing everyone out.

"But Stevester, what about Mystery?" You might be asking, gently masturbating to an image in your mind of Smeagol lapping up some girl's love milk while wearing a green thong, a ball gag tangled up in his perm as he forces a dead raw fish to act as a condom.....or not. Sickos.

Well, Smeagol was meeting Mystery, his wife, at a pay by the hour motel down by the freeway, since with her looks and bad attitude and personality that can best be described as "wet clay", was strangely enough not swimming in dudes wanting to penetrate her at the time... Smeagol referred to her as his "bitch", and would only go see her when Erica was not ready or willing to put out. I have to say if they had both been decent looking I would have envied Smeagol, as in a twisted kind of way he was a "player"...

Anyway, on to the story: I told you before about Smeagol's nice new vehicle, an 01 or 02 Mountaineer (I am too lazy to try and remember which year, but if you are that detail oriented, kill yourself), and this was his pride and joy. It was big enough he could climb up in it and "catch a quick snooze" during his breaks, at red lights, on long stretches of highway, etc...

Well Erica was out driving it one day, and accidentally ran over a Hyundai that did not get out of the way fast enough, completely wrecking his car that he had made 4 payments on. Smeagols was crushed, then when someone moved the newspaper off of him, he was angry.

You or I would report it to the insurance company, get it totaled, and use the money to work with the dealer for alternate transportation, or something like that I dunno I have never wrecked a car. Not Smeags!

He moved out of his house to another one up the street with money he had scammed from Mystery, secure in the fact that no one would ever find him to get the money back for the wrecked car he simply quit making payments on. This would start the Smeagol Screening service, where Smeagol would tell us we had to call, let the phone ring twice, hang up, and then call back or he would not bother answering it. He also went back to parking up the street under cover of darkness and sneaking to his own house to avoid detection by the authorities.

More on this tomorrow.

Scam Time!

So when we last left the dear Margaret Kumasi, I asked her lawyer, the Barrister Ubanwa Philip (from here out known as Obiwan, as thats what I call him now) was trying to work his scam magic all over me, you listen friends! Of course, as usual, Scammer= black, me= red, thoughts = blue, Hot Karl = green

Barr, Ubanwa Philip‏
From: Barrister ubanwa Philip (
Sent: Wed 12/05/07 2:37 AM
To: Semore Butts (

Dear Semore Butts,

Thanks for the mail. for us to commence action immediately as the designated person from my client, I will appreciate that you send your personal information to me which I will use to ascertain the affidavit of claim with the letter of authorization from the high court, that will be sending to the bank,which will empower them to release the fund to you as the legitimate beneficiary of the fund.Below is required A scanned copy of your identification, Phone and fax number for easy communication As soon as I receive the above from you, the action will commence. Remain blessed and make sure my client is been Remembered in your prayers.


I do not respond fast enough, so Margaret tries to push me along:

RE: from margaret‏
From: Margaret Kumasi (
Sent: Tue 12/11/07 12:17 AM
To: Semore Butts (

Dearest Semore,

How are you and your family? hope all is well.Please realize that the hardest step in achieving anything is making a true commitment-a true Decision, I have not heared from you,what is going on between you and my arttorney barrister ubanwa philip and the bank? Am assuring you that this transaction is risk free and that you will never regret it, my dear Semore Bigus Butts I would desire that you follow my attorneysdirectives for a successful transfer of the fund. please I will not want to die leaving the fund in the bank while some people are out there suffering. As my health condition is deterioratingdaily, I plead that we keep praying to God until hedetermine of my condition one day. Please make sure you keep me posted with all your correspondence with my attorney and the bank.

Yours lovely

margaret kumasi.

Damn these people are pushy! I let them stew for awhile, and Obiwan gets more annoying:

From: Barrister ubanwa Philip (
Sent: Thu 12/13/07 1:20 AM
To: Semore Butts (

Attention: Semore Butts

I am still waiting for your repsonse to my last email dated, Thu, 6 Dec 2007 regarding the fund transfer to your bank account as you have discussed with my client Mrs Margaret Kumasi. However, I will want you to supply me your Full names, Address and valid phone number as soon as you receive this email so that i can call you to discuss this fund transfer before I go for the issuance of change of ownership documents which will enable the bank tranfer the said funds to your bank account for the charity project without any hitches. I await your prompt response.

Have a nice day,

Barr, Ubanwa Philip
Tel, +2347031323926

From: Semore Butts (
Sent: Thu 12/13/07 8:41 PM
To: Barrister ubanwa Philip (

SUre, here is my contact information:
Full Name: Semore Hoffman Butts
Address: 3715 Main Street, Kansas CIty, Missouri 64111
Phone number: You can reach me at 816-561-2600. Ask for Iam Ghey, that is the name of my receptionist. They should be able to get you to me that way...

I know, I know, I was tired, dammit.

More tomorrow, I just wanted to show that I am not as eager to go all gay... I was going to go until Hot Karl's first email, but it is almost a whole day away from this one, so I will post it tomorrow.

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