Christmas......ugh

Christmastime is here

and what did I get for you?

my dick in a box!

Smeagol and Erica - the Conclusion:

So Erica wrecked Smeagol's car, and he went back to driving the POS line from his regular dealer on Troost, dodging police because it was not legal, getting his car remotely shut off every other week because he never paid his bill on time because he spent all his money on Erica and her big head kid. "But Stevester, you have to spend money on a lady in order to get into her good graces and into her anus when she falls asleep" You might be saying. Let me tell you, my wife bailed me out of jail, and that's how we started going out ( I have a rule: if you bail me out of jail, I have to put out... yes there is the possibility of getting burned, but I think it's the right thing to do)...

Well live moved on for about 2 more weeks until Smeagol called me up sounding down, and I asked him what had happened. You see, Erica's husband was out of town on business for a couple of months, I am not sure what he did but he decided so she could attend school that she could stay in Kansas City and he would send her money as she needed. Why this translated to sexy time with a North American Smeagol is beyond me. Anyway, her husband had come back, so she abruptly left Smeagol, taking some of his stuff much like the gentlemen who humped Kareena every day did on their way out the door. Smeagol was sad, I am sure his thong drooped much like his face did. He gave her almost half of his next paycheck, but it was over and she probably used the money to buy lube so her husband could pound her while Smeagol sat in the living room, cold, hungry and alone, masturbating gently while listening to her being satisfied while both crying and growling with pleasure.

But you see, this was all for the best! Rather than get back with Mystery, who deperately wanted to be with him again, Smeagol then met and got together with Danielle, and the stories of their relationship are so much funnier, including:

She regularly beat him up

She made him sleep in his own basement

She let other dudes and chicks rock away on her while he was at work and in his dungeon

She gave away his crap

So you see, when one door closes another blows off the hinges! The next Smeagol saga will start soon, I need to bring you all up to date on some scams and some other stories, but don't you despair I will get them all to you, intrepid reader! Also, tomorrow, I will tell you about the "Herpes Incident" that actually involved me putting my foot in my mouth, I just remembered it but am too lazy to add it here...

Scam Time!

I know yesterday was not as funny as far as scams go, but I promise it gets better... I need to give you some background before I can get to the funnies.

Scammer = black, me = red, thoughts = blue

Barr, Ubanwa Philip‏
From: Barrister ubanwa Philip (barrubanwaphilip1@yahoo.com)
Sent: Thu 12/13/07 11:45 PM
To: Semore Butts (semorebutts.ido@hotmail.com)

Attn: Semore Hoffman Butts

I have received all the information I needed from you to work out these modalities as my client instructed me. As a matter of fact, Mrs. Margaret has ordered me to secure the change of ownership of the said funds in your name as the next of kin of her estate deposited with United Bank for Africa, in this case I want to let you know that Mrs. Margaret will stand in federal high court of Nigeria tomorrow to sign and WILL the change of ownership of the said funds $31.5m USD in your name before she will be traveling back to her home town, after the court I will forward to you the necessary documents you will need to contact the bank with,for the release of the said funds to your bank account.

Conclusively, I want to let you know that this projectis not a do or die affair as my client said and my client trusted you so much with faith because she told me that God directed her to you and she has a strong faith that you will not disappoint her at the end, I hope by now she have told you her experience in her marriage and her present health condition, is only Godthat is helping her after the death of her husband, she has the money but she don’t have happiness because of her condition and the way the late husbands familyis treating her because she don’t have any child of her own, please I expect a good work from you so that we can make her happy at least, she want the orphanageto bear her name Margaret Child Care Foundation Centre.

I will be waiting for your urgent reply.

Regards,

Barr, Ubanwa Philip

I like the charity name he chose, but I want to add NAMBLA into it to make it awesome, we have to help these little boys! LOL

RE: Barr, Ubanwa Philip‏
From: Semore Butts (semorebutts.ido@hotmail.com)
Sent: Sun 12/16/07 2:59 PM
To: Barrister ubanwa Philip (barrubanwaphilip1@yahoo.com)

Dear Barrister Obiwan Philip (Kenobe)

Thank you for putting your trust in me, I would like to put something in you once this whole transaction is completed, have you ever tried Bukkake? It is a delicious drink I am told, I would love to have you and Ms. Kumasi over to sample some, Hot Karl makes the best Bukkake this side of the Mississippi, or so I'm told. I know you expect a good work from me, and I will not dissapoint. My customers expect good work from me, no teeth, and I never disappoint there either, I have a lot of repeat customers, Smeagol included. I have cleaned his thong of Failure many a time. I will contact you when the bank contacts me, and let you know what is going on.

Love, Semore Butts

PS - Seriously, would you and Margaret be able to make it to Kansas City? I would love to have you over and over....

This marks the first time I called this asshat Obiwan, and he falls for it. WHat a retard. I mean, even in the butthole of Africa someone somewhere would have heard of Star Wars.... but no. I get even farther into Jedi mode after this, you find more!

Barr, Ubanwa Philip(contact the UBA bank immediately)‏
From: Barrister ubanwa Philip (barrubanwaphilip1@yahoo.com)
Sent: Mon 12/17/07 3:15 AM
To: Semore Butts (semorebutts.ido@hotmail.com)

Hello Semore Butts,

I just returned from the federal high court for the issuance of the change of ownership in your name as we discussed and the documents has been notarized by the commissioner of oat and the court has mandated the bank to transfer the said fund to your bank account. However we had an unfortunate day because Mrs. Margaret Kumasi collapsed in the court this Morning while we were waiting for the commissioner of oath to sign the document and she was rushed to the hospital,you know how it is with the hospital protocols when it comes to matters like this. (WTF is he talking about? )

Please contact the Bank immediately with the power of attorney and the deposit certificate as attached to this email message along with a scanned copy of your Identification inform of International passport or driver’s license so that they will start processing the release of the estate immediately. The Bank contact is as follows; UNITED BANK FOR AFRICA,Contact person, Mr. RoyEmail, fundtransfer.dept@u-b-online.org Please contact UBA bank immediately and follow up with the bank procedure and keep me posted. Mrs. Margaret paid for the power of attorney document today.

Regards, Barr, Ubanwa Philip

+2347031323926 (this has got to be a fake telephone number, or he got horrendous diahrrea and shit all over the keyboard and then just hit "send")

This is the deposit certificate. Revel in it's fakeness...

The power of attorney

---->

My response has to be good, as we are getting closer and closer to "crunch time"... when he wants either the money or will cut his losses... I put a lot of thought into my response:

RE: Barr, Ubanwa Philip(contact the UBA bank immediately)‏
From: Semore Butts (semorebutts.ido@hotmail.com)
Sent: Mon 12/17/07 9:04 PM
To: Barrister ubanwa Philip (barrubanwaphilip1@yahoo.com)

Dear Obiwan Kenobe,

I have sent the message to the bank. I am going out to Alderon on a trade federation meeting, but should be back tomorrow morning. Please let me know if there is anything else you need me to do. My assistant, Hot Karl, will hang around and be available to call me if you need anything immediately. He said he might have a few requirements met on our end if we are to make this completely legal on our end. Please work with him and let me know if I can assist in any way. I have placed all of my trust in you. Gotta go, I need to make a Kessel run.

Help me Obiwan, you're my only hope

To be continued...