Friday, December 28, 2007

Musings, Idiocy, Rant time

OK it's snowing
yet you still try to peel out
Hope you die, moron

Musings -

OK so I noticed this blog is becoming more and more Smeagol and Scam laden... I have to post some of these other stories...

When I lived with Smeagol, we had a neighbor named Martin. Martin was a buttfucking packrat piece of dog shit. I say that with love in my heart and a skip in my step. We shared a driveway, and with Smeagol's constant flurry of shitty ass cars, it was a bit understandable that Martin was constantly moseying his smelly ass over to get us to clear the driveway. But then things got worse.

Martin was a Junk dealer. He would go to hospitals and get all the crap they throw out, like adjustable beds, toilet bowls, bedpans and other assorted Medical memorabilia and then sell them in his front yard in a continuous yard sale that started in March and ended around November. It always smelled like anus and vinyl because he rarely cleaned the shit and god knows what other kind of stains off of the items he sold, and he would always make sure the unlucky patron knew everything was "as-is, as-is now". To be nice, I bought an old 486 computer from him for 10 dollars, and, at that point not being in the least bit interested in computers, set it aside and did not really use it until Spiderman robbed my 3rd floor apartment (this is another story) and stole my Playstation, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Anyway, Martin got more and more driveway stingy, and would come over 5-10 minutes after we got home to tell us to "get out of his driveway" and then talk all this shit about how we are neighbors and we should get along a little better, but that we had to know since he lived in his house longer, technically it was his driveway. He would then park his beat up, shit smelling 197? pickup in the driveway and go inside his house for the night, causing us to either drive across our yard that Smeagol had tried to mow with a scythe like a Raptor Reaper, or wait until he felt like moving, which he did not do unless we weren't there.

Martin's brother was also a fucking loser who acted in much the same way, even blockading our cars until one of us loaned him 5 dollars so he could purchase more beer, and hitting the tree in our yard in one of his many drunk driving sessions. One night I heard him taking a shit in the window well on our house that led to the basement. I then saw the shit later and let the dog out to eat it, but she did not. It's probably still there.

Anyway, Martin also had a big ass Rottweiler that was too strong for the measly ass chain he kept over there. He kept this cousin of Cerberus in the backyard, with plenty of lead to make sure we could not access our back yard, which was fine at first because the only thing back there was an indoskeleton of a trans am Smeagol took no end in joy telling us he was going to restore but which ended up being rolled down the hill and to some homeboy's house. The Trans Am was a frame with the Wheels on it: no hood, no engine, no seats, no chance of being fixed by a 100 pound weakling who could not lift a milk jug without getting tired or asking for mover's assist (I exaggerate here, but really he did only carry in one jug of milk at a time, damn weakling). The fact that some idiot rolled it down the hill and got it away is a testament to man's ingenuity as well as his lack of intelligence.

Anyway, back to Martin. It was on a crisp autumn day that I had to leave to go to work, and Martin had parked his truck in the driveway, sideways so it was blocking not only entrance to the backyard or the latter half of the driveway, where my car was, but access to the stairs to our front porch. Fuck this, I was tired of it. I went over and knocked on his door, and he ignored me. I could see him through the little lace doily shit covering their door window sitting in a chair facing me watching television, making no move to get up. I knocked a little harder, all to no avail. Fuck it. I went and got a knife from inside the house, and slashed his tires. I then got into my car and backed down the driveway, across our back yard, through the rickety fence and onto the street. I was pissed. As I drove off, I saw Martin looking at what I had done and yelling at me, and I felt warm and fuzzy on the inside.

More on Martin later, including the standoff between him and JJ. Spoiler alert! JJ does not have any problems physically assaulting old men or people in wheelchairs.

Idiocy -

What the fuck is up with traffic? If there is a shitload of snow outside, and everyone is in 2 lanes because they have been beat down by snow plows or larger trucks or whatever, why would you drive in the drifts and then dart over in front of people and back out to go faster? Why is it that everyone else is driving 30 miles an hour, you go by @ 60 and end up in the ditch and wonder why no one stops to help you? Goddammit, why is it that there are signs announcing a detour, road blockade, etc and you wait until you are physically at the sign to dart over, causing a traffic jam on the highway? These have to be the same people who voted for Bush: "Well he fucked up for the last 4 years, but I think good things are around the corner so I will give him another 4 years to fix what he done brokeded in his first term, ahyuck! Hey There's a ton of fucking snow outside let's a-go driving around and cut the fucking Stevester off!"

Why does my family have to suck so much?! Smeagol hates everyone who does not wear a baggy green thong, JJ refuses to get a job though he is actually quite intelligent, but seems happy to waste life away living at my mom's house, my dad smoked crack up until like 3 months ago, my mom was a mystical retard until she stopped the rock pop dance, my uncle shits in plastic bags and hangs them from tree limbs like brown ornaments, My aunt hates white people, my grandmother hates black people, and my youngest son's fucking fist fits perfectly in my goddamn eye socket!

My neighbor across the street has no teeth even though he is only 30 and is as annoying as Smeagol's thong is green, people drive by and shout out "white power" at least once a month, Mr. Karawte man keeps coming up with ever more idiotic questions about some impending German invasion and wears overalls with the John Deere hat, and 3 of my scammer friends stopped writing me this week, citing my unwillingness to send them lots of money.

Ah well, at least the well of awesome stories to post has not dried up. I hate that fist int he eye shit though, damn thing hurts.

More Monday

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