Ride the wicked storm
knock the Stevester's power out
Head for disaster
I am going to toss up a bunch of quickies today, let me know if you want me to expound on any of these:
1. Mystery once told me Smeagol has to look at a porn magazine to get it up before he lays into her. The irony of this is lost to her dull sensibilities.
2. Bagheera, our 15 foot python, busted out a fucking window and crawled out of it rather than deal with Smeagol anymore.
3. JJ once stabbed me in the stomach with a broken beer bottle because I did not give him a turn on Super Tecmo Bowl fast enough.
4. I once hit on a girl at Worlds of Fun (a long time ago, I was still single), and was amazed when she knew my name. Turns out she was my second cousin. I still wanted to hump her.
5. When Smeagol had a computer from Rent-a-Center, my little brother and I decided to be tricksters and sign him up for some gay porn. Not being gay, we were going to do a Google Search for gay porn to come up with some, and my little brother accidentally clicked on history, showing us more gay porn than we could have easily found on Google.
6. When Kareema would allow up to 5 area thugs to pound away at her while she lay on Smeagol's bed, she would allow them to also rob Smeagol on their way out, and they would take his PS2, his remote control cars, but strangely, never his thong.
7. When driving past some bicycle enthusiasts who had flipped me off for going around them on my way up to the store, I swerved into some water and soaked them once. Sorry Jason.
8. I got drunk once and fingered Jeff's daughter. Don't tell him.
9. Once my larger than life nephew was sitting there watching me eat some Reese's pieces out of a pretty big bag. I got annoyed and threw the whole bag at him and told him to "just eat them all". He did, and I was sad because I hadn't really meant for him to.
Short Scam Time!
Today I would like to debut a new and exciting era in my scams, as my main man the Tylester has agreed to take on the part of Hot Karl, my attorney. This is the Margaret Kumasi saga! Scammer's emails in black, mine in red, thoughts in blue, Hot Karl's emails in green:
This is the original email to my home account...
From: margaret kumasi [mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org]
Sent: Friday, November 30, 2007 3:46 AM
Subject: Dearly Beloved,
It is with my humble pleasure and trust, I write this very important letter
to you, considering you are capable and kind enough to assist me in this
understated business proposal. I am just trying to know if you can be of
help, irrespective of the fact that we have not met before or know each
other I am Mrs. Margaret Kumasi from Freetown Sierra Leone. I was married to
Wilfred Kumasi the Ceo of Sierra Leone Diamond Mining Company & a seasoned
contractor in West African Region. Before his death four years ago after a
brief illness. We were married for eleven years without a child. After his
death I decided not to re-marry or get a child outside my matrimonial home.When my late husband was alive, he deposited the sum of $31.5Million(thirty-one million five hundred thousand U.S. Dollars) in a Bank. My Doctortold me that I would not last for the next three months due to cancer problem. Having known my condition I decided to donate these funds to betterthe lives of the less privileged.
Hence, I will need an honest and trust worthy individual that will utilize
this money in accordance with my instruction. I want the funds to be used in
funding religious organizations, orphanages and less privileged for
propagating the word of God. I took this decision because I don't have any
child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are very dubious
and unkind to me and I don't want my husband's hard earned money to be
misused. I am not afraid of death because I know I will make peaceful
eternal rest. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord. Exodus 14 VS 14 says that the lord will fight my course and I shall hold my peace. I speak good English in case you want a telephone communication in this
regard. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the
Bank, and my companies in Sierra Leone and other parts of Africa. For
legitimacy, I will also issue you a letter of authority that will empoweryou as the original-beneficiary of this fund. I want you to always pray for
me, any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing for another
individual for this same purpose.
Mrs. Margaret Kumasi
Pretty standard, really. (I love Doctor Evil) I respond:
RE: Dearly Beloved,
From: Semore Butts (email@example.com)
Sent: Mon 12/03/07 3:07 AM
I am sorry the cancer is ravaging your body like an unstoppable rebel force. To know when you are going to die is like knowing the chick you plan on banging used to be a dude: there's no longer any surprises, and you are a little sad to be just going through the motions. Tell me what I must do, and please respond quickly, I want to get ahold of your money before you croak.
RE: Dearly Beloved,
From: Margaret Kumasi (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Sent: Mon 12/03/07 10:17 AM
To: Semore Butts (email@example.com)
Dearest Semore Butts,
Thank you for your reply to my proposal to you despite
that you don’t know me to well, but I want to let you
know that this business is real and legal, beside is
not a do or die affair, I only need a trustworthy
individual that can handle the project well, which
will be Named Margaret Child Care Foundation. Note,there are documents that will be required in thistransaction process, and those documents are the
Bank’s pre-requisite from you as the next of kin
claimant. The documents are as follows; POWER OFATTORNEY FROM ME AS MY NEXT OF KIN BENEFICIARY,DEPOSIT CERTIFICATE OF THE SAID FUNDS. My Attorney
will provide all these documents to you. You will also
need the services of my attorney as a representing
attorney who will stand on your behalf to sign all the
related transfer documents including the FUND RELEASE
ORDER PAPERS on your behalf with the United Bank for
Africa (UBA). At the end of this transaction when funds has been
confirmed in your account, 30% of the total funds will
be your share, while 70% balance will be for Charity
Organization and the less privileged. My attorney will
work out all the modalities with you as soon as you
contact him for this excise. I also want you to know that the project is not a do
or die affair, please contact me if you are willing to
assist me carry out this project and I will direct you
to my attorney. I am looking forward to hearing from you, and note
that am not in any way disturbing you to carry out
this project, if you are not willing to do so you let
me know and I will look for another individual that is
willing to assist me in the same purpose please get
back to me with the following info.
Your age andsex………………………………………………………
Thanks and God bless you,
How lame is it to send me to another email address where *gasp* her attorney will make the exact same spelling mistakes! I love the word "modalities", also the word "consignment", and strangely, the phrase "Pound me Stevester!" WHich I have never heard except that one time in jail and I don't like thinking about that...