Thursday, July 24, 2008

Smeagol vs. the Drive thru

beer-battered chicken

when on a diet, is porn

talk stir-fry to me

OMG my diet is killing me. Why is it when I am not trying to eat healthified there is no snacks to be found, now I have finally started a real diet and there are donuts and cookies and tasty treats all over to be had... I tried gently sniffing Tylester's breath after he ate a donut and then realized that was not the most professional thing to do.

Anyhoo, my fat ass is not what this post is about. Burger King in the late 90s, when I worked with my no wife and Haggardlester, along with Smeagol, is what this post is about.

At this gentle time in my life, I was the drive thru jockey. I think Haggard and my wife at that point were trying to see how long it took for me to lose it, and they got no end in joy giggle-fighting with eachother while I worked drive thru alone for up to 10 hours a night. I would say screw them, but I have already done that to one, I am hoping to score with the other next week (it's your guess which one I'm talking about thilly!)

Well one day I had friggin had it. We had the Pokemon promotion going on, NoEars, my wife's gentleman caller and loser extraordinaire, instead of working my drink station was out in the lobby gypping little kids out of their pokemon toys, and because this was at the height of the Pokemon frenzy, we had 15-20 cars in the drive thru at any given time. I had had enough.

I put the headphones down, walked back where Haggs was feeding his meat into the broiler, and went into the freezer. After jacking off all over the fries, I finished the rush. I guess someone felt sorry for me, because for my comedic relief, and since the rush was over, we put Smeagol on drive thru.

This was during the height of Smeagol's anger management classes. You see where this is going. If not, go here and start reading, let me know when you are well versed in the art of Smeagol.

So the first car pulls up, and I can tell by his voice that he was drunk. Things are going to get good. Smeagol starts with the Burger King spiel, and they guy says something like "Well get me a whopper, maam" or "little lady", whatever I can't completely remember. Smeagol begins his Grunt of Annoyance, and we could see his anger boiling up like a drop of too hot water in a thimble.

The guy pulls up, and starts snickering at him, which only annoys him more, and Smeagol figures to display his formidable raptor strength by trying to hand out the guys cheeseburger AND fries with one hand, and failing miserably...this only serves to make the guy laugh harder, and Smeagol growls like a retarded lemur and calls him a bich muhfuggr, thus ending his short stint in the drive thru window. I like how Smeagol was ranting and raving while cleaning out the grease trap the rest of the evening about having to take one friggin order, but the fact that he failed miserably and went on to rant about it at his next anger management class, where instead of one drunk guy laughing at him because he sounded like a girl and had these comically oversized headphones on and could not lift a drink, there were 3 klansmen hell bent on destroying the planet that he took out with one roundhouse kick to the face. Great times.

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