Wednesday, July 23, 2008


feel-good story time
get out the cotton booties
snuggle next to hearth

So I told you all before that my Dad, who was known as Toboggan Boy, Steve-o, Bitch, and many other various names by his many, many drug dealers, had finally decided he did not feel like doing crack anymore and just quit. It would not have been as funny if it had been a 12 step process, him duking it out against the grueling onslaught of his own addiction, but he just decided he didn't feel like it, so just stopped smoking it, which leads me to believe he could have stopped at any time, this theory helped along by the time when he, in the passionate throes of pipletia della crack al-dente, "I can't stop and I won't stop, boah!"

Anyway, this is a feel good piece. I got my dad a job working at the security place literally across the street from the Firm, so Will keep an eye out for what looks like a German Stormtrooper on a Segway, and he literally loves this job. My mom said he comes home every night with this huge shit-eating grin on his face from the joy he genuinely gets harassing homeless people. I have to have lunch in the Town Pavilion in order to see my dad on a Segway, hopefully chasing Iceman or one of the other regular bums around, trying to bash their skulls in with the 15 inch mag light of justice.

It's funny, because he lives about 2 miles from work, and my mom said he likes it so much he leaves almost an hour early every day. Since I know the manager there, who is also an older white guy with a huge-for-no-reason white mustache, I can imagine my dad showing up and them ticklefighting until it is time for work to start, since my old manager was incredibly enthusiastic about his work as well, sometimes only sleeping about 3 hours a night to annoy us since he lived in a loft apartment behind the building, telling us about a homeless person all the time.

I hope my dad meets Nerf, I sincerely doubt he is there anymore but it would make my day to see these characters melding together. I will have stories on them as well, as I can guarantee the winos would much rather run into me than into my dad.

Hey Will, don't you feel safer knowing my dad is guarding the building you work in, standing on the first floor just aching to harass anyone who makes eye contact?

I am genuinely happy for him, this is awesome. People get the idea that because I talk about them all the time that I do not want anyone in my family to make it in this world, when nothing could be farther from the truth. I would love it if I was the least successful person in the family, but with family members like Smeagol that will never happen.

So which one is more interesting to you all? Going to that McDonald's in Liberty and staring in mouth-agape awe at that wily raptor, or watching my dad shake bums down, hitting them over the head with a dirty sock full of nickels like a white German Homie the Clown?


Anonymous said...


Stevester said...

LOL how about my dad beating Smeagol over the head with a mag light while he tries to work on the burger board? Mmmmm, that goes down smooth...