Tuesday, July 1, 2008


wrinkled python tube!
serendipitous toilet!
a few band names, son!

You all know the Chuck Norris "facts", which though I love to this day I still do not understand why a substandard bearded guy who kicks high whilst wearing pants that are too tight is so popular... but I digress. Anyway, if you do not know what I am talking about, go here and get back to me. You might also like to know the internets is not just a series of tubes, and is apparently not a "passing fad"...

Anyway, I thought it would be fun, if not totally original, but let's face it originality is not my strong suit I mean am I right? Huh? Ziiiiing!

Where the hell was I? Oh yeah...

I thought it would be fun to create some Smeagolisms in the same vein, and if you come up with any I would be proud to post them for you (and give you credit, of course (unless it is better than mine, in which case I won't) because I am an ethical person)... Allow me to start:

1. Smeagol has no facial hair because no known substance can withstand that wily raptor's breath

2. Smeagol's thong fell off while he was balloon travelling over Europe. We now know it's landing site as Chernobyl.

3. Smeagol's perm was the third gunman on the grassy knoll.

4. Smeagol's teeth are so hardcore that when they escaped from his mouth, they got leather jackets and formed a small gang. We know this gang as the Hell's Angels.

5. Thoma Edison's first recording was of what he thought was a ghost proclaiming "I'm so tired" and his assistant throwing up from some ungodly stench. Turns out Smeagol had fallen asleep while nailing the floorboards as he was remodeling, and they built the floor over him. The stench was his gas. Edison told his friend Edgar Allen Poe, who misinterpreted one of the words, which is why we have the novel "The Tell-Tale HEART".

6. During his heyday, Smeagol's cloak of failure caused the extinction of the dinosaurs. Though substantially weakened by old age, it was still powerful enough to produce 98% of the Republican Party.

7. Smeagol's nail trimmings, like spores of failure, caught an unfortunate updraft in 1986 and caused the Challenger disaster.

8. There is intelligent life on all of the planets in our solar system. They just don't want Smeagol to know about them.

9. The viscuous liquid in Smeagol's underwear actually harbors the cure for cancer and AIDS. That's why everyone says there is no cure, because there is no doctor brave enough to attempt to withstand the thong's scent long enough to collect it.

10. The bomb dropped on Nagasaki was an actual atom bomb. The "bomb" dropped on Iwo Jima was actually just a plastic bag full of Smeagol's thongs, which in itself is not lethal but when dropped on the suburb full of successful people cause a catastrophe until that point unheard of.

11. Smeagol's Perm juice was squirted on Sherman tanks during WWII, and that is why the inferior-in-every-way fighting machines were known to take out German Panzer tanks. No response from Karawte Man on whether or not said tanks harbored black leprechauns hell-bent on global domination by unleashing a massive attack financed by their pots of gold that they intend to use to kill kittens and make fur coats out of and then use those coats to cover the country and you know all about it but there's nothing you can do because you're being held hostage by a gang of angry carnie mimes who have duct taped your butt-cheeks together and fed you a horse laxative and are giggling maniacally while plunging your asshole, and you try to fight back but greyskull has both of your arms tied up under her leather skirt and you are just trying to save a kitten from having it's soul consumed by the impending unstoppable assault by the rebel force and you try to roundhouse kick the evildoers into oblivion but you cain't because your pants are too tight after you went to a "Rob Lowe" Beverly Hills 90210 theme party that you wans't even invited to!

Anyway, send some in and I will put them up to a vote, with the winner getting a free lunch again (possibly taken out by the fairy Stevester! Tee Hee!)

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