Wednesday, July 9, 2008


dream invades real world
zombie chase, I run in sand
boat rocks to hell beat

I tried to get more moody with today's haiku, and uh... it doesn't work so well for me.

Alright, so after the Smeagol fiasco where he ate 3 - 4 plates of food, stole a bunch of crap and begged for even more, I assumed I was finished having to bother with him for awhile. He had begged me for a remote control helicopter that I had, and his voice is so whiny I just told him to take it.

I am such a damn pushover when it comes to family. No more. Fuck them.

So I am sitting at my computer playing 2 Moons (, which is like a free online version of Diablo, which is cool, and also lets me call myself the Gerbiler, which is even better (It is so awesome getting your taint handed to you by some naked dude named Gerbiler), listening to electronica on SomaFM , and there is a knock at the door. Annoyed, assuming it is one of my kid's idiot friends, who should know better than to initiate conversation with me, I tell Matthew to get the door. A few seconds later, it is obvious he doesn't feel like getting up either, and I get up to answer and am pleasantly surprised to see JJ moseying in, followed by my dad and Smeagol, who was less of a pleasant surprise. Dad and JJ come into the game room, and we shoot the shit while I try to tell them they need to get on that game so we can go gay it up, and I can hear Smeagol in the other room going through my fucking deep freezer. He hobbles into the game room looking so pathetic it hurts me to even reminisce, and holds up a breakfast sandwich with the words "GRIDDLE FUCKIN CAKE MORON" typed on the front of it (I mean that is more or less what was on there, I am paraphrasing) while asking "Hey Stevester, wha- what is this?"

The three of us (Me, Dad and JJ) exchange glances like "is this raptor for real?" and I inform him it is a griddle cake sandwich, much as the package points out. I guess he did not like that answer, and was expecting something more along the lines of "try it, it is delicious buddy!", as he moans "Ooooh, it sure looks like it would taste great" and hobbles back to put it in the freezer again. We all snicker and go back to talkifying, apparently my Dad got a job at the old security place I used to workify at, and he is glad as it is only 2 mi-

Here comes Smeagol again, this time with a couple of PS2 games.

Let me explain for any newer readers out there what is going on here. Smeagol likes to have things. He likes to borrow things and then never return them. He likes to borrow games for systems he does not own and has no intention of owning. He likes to pawn off other people's things and then never make the payments so the stuff gets sold.

Smeagol does not own a PS2, XBOX or Gamecube. Remember this. He also does not own a Wii or anything other than the PS3, which he used his water and light bill money to purchase.

So he has a PS2 game, and is all like "Hey Stevester, is this game fun?" It's Street Fighter. Does anyone who has touched a video game console in the last 15 years not know of Street Fighter? If so, kill yourself. I inform him that it is Street Fighter. He looks at it like it is the first time he had ever seen it, and starts the begging: "Oh, it sure looks fun, could I borrow it maybe?" Fine, fuck you, take it. I don't even bother to ask why he wants to borrow it, as he has no way to play it, his PS3 is not the nice backwards compatible one. He hobbles out. JJ asks if he can grab a breakfast sandwich, and I inform he he totally should. He comes back in about 5 minutes later and informs me Smeagol was in my damn bedroom, and my gamecube and xbox games are all over the floor.

Before I can even respond, Smeagol hobbles back in and starts in on the movies. "HhHhHhHeeeyyyy Stevester, can I borrow a few of your movies?"

I am annoyed by this point and ask him what movies, which for some reason offends him enough to get his grunt of unhappiness, known in ancient times to cause unending failure to even the most successful person.

"I would like to borrow Blade 1, 2, and 3, Lord of the Rngs, the whole Tril-Trig- Trilogee' say it "Trilo - gii" like karate gii, what a moron - "Spiderman 3, and Conan, I will bring them back this weekend..." He moans after that, and we all know the exertion of holding 6 or 7 dvds and standing for more than 30 seconds are taking their toll on his frail body. My dad rolls his eyes and JJ tries to look away while giggling like a schoolgirl. Also, thats almost 24 hours worth of movie, how does he intend to bring them back this weekend? Whatever.

So to make a long story less long, he leaves, and JJ informs me later on that night that Smeagol was bragging about how much stuff he got away with. Apparently he asked for Streetfighter for PS2, but had taken a bunch of game discs from other games and put them in the case, and had done the same things with dvds, and had tried to steal my youngest son's pocket game player as well, but it was too clunky and someone would have noticed.

How is it that a raptor, once proud denizen of the dinosaur kingdom, was not relegated to stealing video game systems from a 2 year old toddler who could in all honesty probably defeat you in armed and unarmed mortal combat? How much more can that piece of crap devolve? That's not rhetorical I am actually asking, people!


Anonymous said...

Apparently as much as you let him...

Stevester said...

Ugh, I am absolutely disgusted with myself, I don't think I am going to let him in my house anymore. I feel bad because he is such a piece of crap, but it's not my fault anymore. I think I am either going to let him borrow some money and let him disappear like usual but not try to contact him, or just tell him I cannot afford for him to keep visiting me.