Monday, July 14, 2008


A gap in my teeth
Strahan's retarded brother?
or sexy man-cake?

I have to wonder, why is it the more uncomfortable clothing is the more appropriate it is for work? What no talent assclown said "You know what? Fuck Jeans, everyone has to wear khakis in order to be successful. Jeans lower stockholder value!" I am guessing it was Smeagol.

Speaking of, this wily raptor got his final check this week, and, being a month behind on rent and in varying stages of shutoff on his other utilities, and no prospect of a job for the immediate future, is doing what any sensible person would do: he is going to spend his last paycheck on that 1992 Honda Prelude. He apparently (I am getting this secondhand, of course, else I would havve to talk to him) only has enough money to finish purchasing the car, which you all know from previous posts is 1500 dollars and he is making payments on it, and the dealer informed him he would not be allowed to take the car off of the lot until it is paid for, which makes that an intelligent used car salesman, which I know could cause the sun to collapse in on itself because of it's absurdity; I just give credit where credit is due.

"Maybe that raptor needs the car though" you might be saying to yerself, and you would be wrong. Smeagol lives less than a quarter mile from the grocery store, a gas station, and the nursing home he is applying at. The grocery store is so he can purchase his requisite 30 dollars worth of jelly beans (I know I have not explained this, I will get to it later) or 25 dollar salad, and there is a taco bell should he have a hankerin for some serious groceries.

So with everything within walking distance, why would he need a car, especially since his FUCKING HARDSHIP LICENSE got revoked, he probably hasn't seen his normal license since Def Leppard was in the top 100 with Kasey Kasem, he does not have enough money left over to get said car licensed, even the extra 15 dollars for a temporary tag was out of his budget, meaning he does not have any money for gasoline once he gets said car off the lot, fuck dude! I think Plato put it best: "Doth this raptor know no end to it's own failure?" Or maybe the inevitably intelligent Martin Lawrence: "Dat nigga ain't sheEEit!"

I swear to you all now, there is no way that raptor is going to come live at my house. I swear it. I have already thrown out an otherwise perfectly good cot, and though I know I should feel like I owe him (after all, I lived in his house for almost 3 years) for all the kindness he has shown me, I don't. I let him steal stuff from my house all the time, that should be good enough. I never intended to watch the blade trilogy again, but even if I did want to now I cannot because it has been raptored.

Damn my conscience. I must help somehow... hey, maybe I can use this site to get Smeagol the sustenance his frail body needs to go on surviving in this harsh reality we all call life!

Does anyone have room in case a raptor needs a place to crash? Here is all you would need:

1. a cot, or a 2x2 square foot piece of carpet.
2. Taco Bell, preferably 30 days old but out of the trash will suffice
3. A video game system, with numerous redundant games.
4. a package of green thongs, size extra baggy
5. plenty of ranch dressing and tomatoes
6. chastity belts.
7. a spray bottle with something successful in it. Bleach works.
8. A rolled up newspaper.

Just to let you know, Smeagol will come with a gay Yorkie, known to mount all other animals. This can save you money, as watching this tiny dog try to dominate the assholes of all other animals in the house, regardless of size or species, is WAY more entertaining than television! If you have anything that sits higher than about 6 inches and is soft, I suggest you hide it. Also keep legs covered at all times. Trust me.

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