Thursday, July 17, 2008

Thursday Twofer!

fuck a haiku
this is a second post, son!
you don't need 2 aiight?

So the Tylester and I were talking about shit while eating Gates, much as most of our conversations turn to after playing Footsies turns kinda gay (and it turns gay when you unzip my pants with your foot, Tylester), and I was talking about hitting Defcon 4, which I assumed everyone knew meant full on prairie dogging. Tylester looked at me quizzically, then slapped me a cross the face. Allow me to explain the Defcon levels.

The Defcon levels apply to the 5 main stages in a turd's attempt to exit your body.

DEFCON 1: The farts are coming regularly, much like contractions. Beware as though these seem innocent, they have been known to lead directly to skids. Much juicier sounding, and tapering off at the end, these farts are a precursor that you need to find a restroom:
ETS (Estimated Time to Shit): 1-2 hours

DEFCON 2: At this point, you feel that familiar tickle in your lower stomach as the shit makes it's final approach to the poorly guarded toll booth that is your sphincter. Farts at this point have a mist-like wetness to them, the ass also begins to sweat a little more. Faux turtling is not uncommon in this stage.
ETS: 45 minutes, tops

DEFCON 3: At this juncture, you are in real shit mode. Turtling has begun.

Definition: Turtling is when a turd has actually broken your sphincter's hold on it, but the shaft of the log has not been reached. You are clearly losing the battle, but you can at times suck the poop back in, though it will continue to push at your peekaboo brown eye.

Your breathing is coming in a little shorter, as the shit is pressing against the back of your lung, which in medical terms is called mudcutticus, which could prove fatal if allowed to go unrelinquished. Also called turtling because your back bows out to assist your weak stomach muscles in stemming the tide of brown pride. Hey that rhymes!
ETS: 20 minutes

DEFCON 4: At this point innocent turtling has migrated into full blown prairie dogging, which is the same as turtling except the shaft has been reached, and though you might be able to suck it back in, every time it peeks back out you lose more ground. If you are wearing a thong or tight boxers, you have at this point soiled them and should move along to full on DEFCON 5. Farts are strained as you try desperately to hold back the brown tide, very loud and really just the pressure building up trying to take shape and escape.
ETS: 5-6 minutes

DEFCON 5: At this point you are in full-blown shit mode. The only reason logs are not dropping out the bottom of your pants is because you are clutching your ass cheeks like a small child, running around frantically trying to find any unguarded receptacle to make your delivery upon. At this point your vision is skewed, as toilets, trash cans, sinks, tubs and your friend's half empty Big Gulp cup are all fair game. You may have already lost one turd, and have technically shit yourself, the only thing you are going for here is posterity and trying to prevent a trickle from becoming a lake. Your eyes may have begun to bug out, you no longer have time to grab a newspaper or a video game. If you are in a meeting, at this point you need to do damage control, and run out to shit your guts out.
ETS: 15-20 seconds

I hope the above guide was helpful, if not funny.

No comments: