Monday, August 6, 2007

Da Fizirst!

Well, here goes:

I am going to be lazy and post a few haikus my colleagues have already heard, and maybe if there's time enough a story every now and again. This haiku came about because, while I am not particularly interested in feces, I am a guy and thusly want to at least see if I swallowed a coin or see if I can see some corn or something to break up the monotony that is my day...

Auto-Flusher of Happiness

Damn that auto-flush!
steals poop before I've seen it
it makes mornings sad

I worked as a console operator for about 2 years, and during that time I saw many things which cannot readily be unseen. One of the more interesting (and less disgusting) encounters there was the Iceman. I have no idea why this homeless man was named that: he did not have cool mirrored sunglasses or the requisite handlebar mustache one would associate with being given the name "Iceman". He was, however, in my own personal and completely unscientific opinion, bugfuck insane.

I remember one incident, early on in my illustrious tenure, I was too naive to realize that there was a difference between legitimately homeless people and loser bums, and learned that lesson the hard way. I had bought a couple of burgers, and while walking past the little wannabe park to get to the building I noticed Iceman picking through the trash. I figured he would appreciate a nice hot sandwich and gave him one. This asshole turned and chucked my delicious hamburger right into the trash!

"Why did you do that?" I asked, sincerely wishing I had clocked in already so I would have had my Mag light. He just shrugged and sauntered off, presumably to masturbate furiously in front of some strangers who had made the mistake of sitting in his park (this is another story). I went and clocked in, vowing to never help a bum out again.

Later on that night, one of the guards who had seen what I did informed me that Iceman was digging the burger out of the trash and eating it! Why?! I was soon to find out Iceman took great pride in doing things which made no sense, like buzzing to get in and when told he could not eter the building taking a dump right in front of the building and walking off without even wiping. More on this and other things later.


wbabbit said...

We definitely need more Iceman stories...and ones about your work.

Stevester said...

there are tons of them, stay tuned, I am going to delve into depravity that will undoubtedly cause suicide just because the voices my posts unleash will never be silenced "Scissor!"