a gentle whisper
a smell that can melt cold steel
The essence of farts
Random Crap, and some fun time scams.
Am I the only one who gets joy out of driving past the drunks panhandling and fanning myself during the winter with dollar bills?
I think I have my t-shirt design done, and I enjoyed the poll in which you damn freeloaders decided that baring my family life is not enough and you must also have a free t-shirt to commemorate the hilarity. I think I am going to bust out with a few different designs, and since they are going to be free to my core audience I get to choose the design each person gets. Spoiler alert! One or more of you are going to get one with a green thong drawn on it!
I like how when the holidays are over my family completely disperses like there was a fire or something and it just got put out. I have not heard a word from anyone in my family since a few days before New Years, though they all said during the holidays we should get together more often. Smeagol is still nowhere to be found.
An update since I promised my wife: does anyone want a stinkin' ass puppy? They are about 5 weeks old, and they smell real bad, though I will maybe pour lemon juice or something on them before I bring them to you. Each one comes with one free bag of dog food!
So we have a family member, Garth (not his real name), and Garth is a total jerk to everyone because he thinks he is smarter than everyone else on the planet. Garth got decent grades in school, and scored pretty high up on the charts in math and science, and because of this and a reward or two for some of the crap he has done in those two subjects he now thinks he has to "talk slower so the rest of you can understand me". Garth is also a very big boy, to the tune of 450 pounds. That is all I am going to divulge because any more and people would try to narrow it down and who it really is is not the point of this tale.
I decided to try to be nice to Garth one time (yes I have known him forever but only tried to be nice to him once, sue me) and told him I was having some trouble with a math course (I wasn't) and it would be cool if he could help me out (it wouldn't), since math was his strong point. I expected him to be flattered and more than happy to help me out with my math, but instead he chortled "I would try to help but I may not be able to use enough lay terms for you to understand me, it takes a while to decipher the stuff I am saying into terms you can understand". And with that, he ate an entire cake while I sat there, stunned. What an asshole! I mean how can you be big, kinda dorky, and a total and complete asshole?! I had promised myself I would never insult him on my blog because the Lord has seen fit to insult him in so many other ways, but this is cause to take the gloves off.
This one time (at band camp) he came over to our house, and was complaining the whole time that the inside of our brand new fucking car stank to high heaven. Thank god my wife was driving and not me, because he would have been walking from that point on. It was bad enough, not to insult him, but his weight was having an adverse effect on my car's gas mileage, and if you had heard and felt the car protesting when he got in or out of it, you would know I was not lying. My car gets 19.5 miles to the gallon. When Garth got in, it dropped to 16-17, and that is terrible.
Anyway, he was talking about how maybe we needed to find out what the hell that smell was, and I am not sure how it ended, maybe my wife told him the smell was not there before he got into the car or he realized when his breath hit him (I have been there before, trust me it is a shocking moment when you realize that smell of butthole fungus is your stank ass breath), but at some point he asked her to spray him with some air freshener, and rubbed the little rearview freshener all in his armpits, prompting me to throw it away the next day. I mean, WTF man! You have to be pretty smelly when a car deoderizer cannot mask your funk, and then to have someone spray air freshener on you, man that has to suck!
On a completely unrelated note, I have done some things I was not proud of either. My first night really drinking, I managed to put down a fifth of vodka and a couple of beers and some wild turkey, and then ate a bunch of pizza, all of which came back up while I was trying to get out of the car, while I was still sitting in my in laws house, and later when I was trying to mount my wife, who was desperately trying to fight the brown bear with +2 vomit projectiles off of her. Good times, good times.
So I figured I would show a little more on the Arita Jack scam, if you will remember she was pregnant and going to kill herself and needed money for food and medicine but had enough cash to visit Internet cafes to post these crappy emails. *sigh *, do these scumbags never learn? Boy I hope not!
Re: OMG how can I help!
From: ARITA JACK (email@example.com)
Sent: Sat 11/03/07 11:23 AM
To: Semore Butts (firstname.lastname@example.org)
How are you? i guess fine. Im very sick and that why you dont hear from me.Please i need urgent monies to help my self im dieng.Please help me.
Man she was in a rush when she sent this out, this will simply not do.
RE: OMG how can I help!
From: Semore Butts (email@example.com)
Sent: Sat 11/03/07 8:05 PM
To: ARITA JACK (firstname.lastname@example.org)
I would love to help you, how do I get the monies to you? I could also bring you to America, you could be my concubine who does anal when I need it, cause I need it often, a man of my girth... I guess I could poke your chocolate starfish then make you a sandwich, what do you think about this deal? So in conclusion I can think of 2 ways to help you:
1. I could bring you to America, disguise you as a carney, teach you the macarena and therefore got you past our strict immigration laws, especially the "No Carney left Behind" law enacted by George Bush. Then you could eat hot black tube steak as long as you give up butt pleasures.
2. I could fly to your country and give you 2000 dollars cash, of course still in exchange for the aforementioned butt pleasures, with jisms in your hair as well.
If you had something else in mind, let me know I would be happy to donate this 2000 dollars to get you on your feet. Also, would it be possible to get a picture of you? A buddy of mine, Jeremy, got scammed once and I want to make sure my money is going to a good cause, not one of those smelly Nigerian Negroids I see on the Discovery Channel but a true African ebony queef.
Until we speak again,
Semore Butts, attorney at Law at Putit, Inyer & Butts LLC
Yeah yeah I know, sometimes I go too far. But ya know, some scammers roll with it, and that makes it worthwhile to mess with these scammers all the time, to get gems like Benson Hunter, Lilian Ray, and Margaret Kumasi.