Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Just crap

Get outta my dreams
Get into my car, Hey! You!
Get into My Car!

Used with permission from Billy Ocean, who lives in my basement.

Random Shiznit

My sister is notoriously bad with automobiles. My dad once bought a 1979 Mercury Monarch, dark blue, in pristine condition for her to drive. She ran it into concrete pillars twice, a brick wall once, hit 2 other cars and tried to jump a 3 foot wall, unsuccessfully. Funny thing about that car is it still ran after all that, and was even stolen, technically. I say technically because my dad tried to run into the house to get the keys for them but by the time he got outside they had already rolled it to the bottom of the hill and were trying to make a getaway, and I guess he did not want to embarrass them.

Every day I find out I am incompatible with children for more and more reasons. I have this inkling that they hate me as much if not more than I hate them, though I do not know why. This feeling was reinforced when this little asswipe moseyed on over and asked if my kids could come out to play. I had already told him no 3 times, on the 3 previous times that day he had come over, all within 15 minutes of each other. I was not rude enough the other 3 times apparently, having promised my wife I would not tell them to kill themselves and then slam the door in their face like I had been doing, and he took this as an invitation to wear me down until I allowed them to go outside (they didn't want to go, I tried telling him that) or I let him into my house (yeah right). So he knocks on the door, and I open it, and he starts this fucking baby talk shit, he's 7 by the way: "Ma ma ma ma I sure wish I could come in your house gaa gaa goo goo " and dancing around like a retarded lemur on crack. I simply close the door, not wanting to hurt his wittle feewings by telling him how much his very presence annoys me. I go back to sit down on the couch and finish watching the game, as my youngest was asleep on the couch and my other two were quietly playing a game for once in their lives. I then hear this loud crash and see that little bastard banging on the game room window, trying to get my kids attention.

Little fuckin' bastard, he woke my kid up. Now it's on. I let him continue banging on the door, giggling and calling my kids, who are ignoring him because I think he annoys them as much as he does me, or I hope he does, and I get a pitcher of ice water and sneak out the back door. I go around front, and see him jumping around, doing that damn baby talk, and dump the whole thing on his head, completely soaking him. I would feel bad but this little kid is the one who kicks my dog all the time, and like I said I hate kids, and who is outside with no coat on in the damn winter anyway?

He starts whining about how cold he is and starts running away, and once he feels he is a safe distance away calls me a nigger and runs into his house. While it sucks that he got the last word, it still felt good to make a little kid cry, I mean who doesn't love that?

JJ called me and asked me to get a bunch of magazines sent to him, I put down his name as Jonathan Knobgobler, so that should be good.

My sister did not tell my mother that she was going to get married, only telling me. She also gave my mom a wrong address to her house, only telling me and telling me not to tell anyone else because she does not want Smeagol knowing she lives closer to him. I informed her with his advanced raptorscent, he can tell where she is at any given time and so she is not free from his clawed grasp. I am wondering if I should tell my mom where she is, though. I mean mom is no longer a mystical retard, she's actually pretty cool, musical tastes aside (Evansblue? Ugh), and I think if my sister saw that she was "normal", as much as that word can apply to my mother (yes she still will flash anyone who she thinks wants to see, and sees no problem with grabbing a tit or two upon first meeting someone, or another appendage, though I have never heard any complaints on that end) she would be more inclined to let her into her life, which is all my mom wants. I told her it was because of Smeagol and that fistfight 13 or so years ago, and she told me to tell my sister she will not let Smeags know. How shitty of a person do you have to be when you can cause someone to completely alienate themselves from their entire family just at the prospect of having to speak to you?

I need to get JJ a good job so he can see how great working and receiving money legally are, I do not want him to end up like Smeags, huddling in dark corners with raw fish, overstaying your welcome at people's house before you even get there, copping a field on anything that is not fast enough to evade your claws, and generally being a damper on the entire society of which you are a part. The thing is he does not want to do fast food or menial labor. Does anyone have a high paying opportunity for a young man that does not drug test, does not care that he does not currently have a GED, that requires long sessions of video game play and allows a very casual dress code? If so can you send me the information so I can apply and then give JJ my job?

So those of you in the technical industry know that something that works 99.999% of the time will fail when you try to resolve an issue for someone important, right? I got a call from the chief judge, and it's funny: the same resolution I had used since I started here, the same resolution that I employ at lest twice a day, in essence completely fragged her roaming profile. WHat started out as an internet connectivity issue turned into me desperately trying to find out what processes controlled her Antivirus and recreating her entire Windows profile, and all that said it worked about 5 minutes after I hung up. Does this happen to anyone else? Is it because I was mean to Flanders?

Tomorrow, I want to get into the Lilian Ray Scam series. I think you will all like it because it is genuinely different from all of the other scams I do. It is this girl who is apparently looking for love, and also someone to work out the modalities of a consignment. She is working with a Reverend who apparently is very easily upset and does not want his photo taken at all. This one is still going on, even after I told them I knew they were scam artists.

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